Grief and crushing guilt

[Wardroder]

My wonderful dad passed away last week. I adored him and he loved me. He helped me through so much stuff in recent years.

before he died, there was something he was paying out of his bank on a monthly basis on my behalf. Not a huge sum- about £30 a month. I’d forgotten to set up the transfer to reimburse him. He knew and had told me to just sort it when I could. Life/work etc got in the way and I forgot.

I’m beating myself up with guilt. I feel like I let him down and took advantage of him. I miss him so desperately x

Sorry for your loss.

He didn't remind you because he was happy to pay it for you. £30 a month to a much loved daughter is really not going to have caused him any hardship.

So sorry OP. It sounds like you were close. That will have been all that he thought of. Don't hurt yourself even more. Sending a hug x

Exactly this. He didn't mind at all.
Take care of yourself x

Please don't feel bad about the money. When I die if either of my kids owe me any money I would hate them to feel guilty about it. You have enough on your shoulders right now, please be kind to yourself

This sort of grief or remorse is about feeling some kind of control in a situation where you now have no control. I did it a bit with my Dad who died last October - won't say what the issue is - but there will always be something. There is always something hanging over, something not done, and that becomes the 'issue'. By blaming yourself a bit for something, you can feel in control a bit.

You and he had talked about it and he knew you would sort it out when you could. You weren't trying to take advantage of him or wriggle out of it. Grief is a very difficult thing and guilt is something that most people feel at some point when they lose a loved one. Please don't beat yourself up about it OP. Sending you hugs.

Don't feel bad about it . My dear late father used to send me 20 or sometimes 30 pounds a week when I was a struggling single mother years ago. He never wanted it back and that money was an absolute lifeline for me and my children. I have also helped my children out over the years and never wanted it back. I did it for love, just like your Dad OP xx

That's really interesting to hear and incredibly helpful. I'm also blaming myself for two small things and carrying guilt because of it.

It's helped me makes sense of my feelings. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss @Wardroder.

Guilt is normal. I lost my mam almost four months ago now. I felt guilty about not going to the hospital with her while I was by her hospital bed. I felt guilty about being busy on her birthday the week before she passed away. When I was clearing her flat I felt guilty about not helping her keep it clean while it would have made a difference to her.

I still feel guilty about things now. I think it's a side effect of thinking (thinking, not knowing) you could have done more but not being able to go back and set things straight. One thing to remember is that it's early days and you have to be kind to yourself.

I read a thread the other day on here where someone suggested surrounding yourself with people who will be a comfort and who share their love. It makes a big difference.

Your Dad would absolutely not want you to feel any kind of guilt over this, I'm sure if he was happy enough to set it up he would've been happy enough to pay it!
I think really this post speaks volumes about the kind of daughter you were to him, I'm sure a lot more people would have a lot more to feel guilty for. So be proud of that and kinder to yourself.
Grief is all consuming, and I am so sorry that you are feeling these emotions at the moment, in time they will ease and you will learn to live this new normal. My thoughts genuinely are with you right now.

What a kind response. Spot on

You are fixating on the guilt as a way of processing your grief. You know, really, that it wasn't important.

Grief is a funny thing OP. It can pop up in all sorts of ways, when we are least expecting it. Be kind to yourself. Your dad would want that.