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If you were this friend what would you be hoping I do?

18 replies

Soreteatowel · 29/02/2024 17:58

And is that the same as the right thing to do? WWYD?

I know her through a hobby and whilst we're not besties, I think we've become quite good hobby mates iyswim. We see each ither as part of the group most week, occasionally a night or day out just the two of us and when we go away with the group, a couple of times a year, usually share a room.

She's always been terrible at replying to messages, to me and others and it's best to make arrangements with her when you see her. She says this is becuase she gets so many out of hours work related messages she just ignores everything. I'm not sure that's entirely true because she does deal with work issues when we're out.

Anyway, the last few months I've had a feeling she's not OK. 3 weeks ago I hot an opportunity to ask her properly if she was OK and she said "not really" , but I couldn't probe further because we were with others. I messaged later that day to say, what's up, what can I do? She replied nearly a week later to say she'll pull herself together and that checking in is enough.

So I took her at her word and sent a message checking in at the start of this week. No reply.

She's a middle aged single woman, lives alone, no children, with a stressful job and not particularly happy in her personal life. I don't want to be another thing she needs to deal with or avoid, but I'm also quite worried.

So, she's probably wishing I'd go away? Is that the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Riverlee · 29/02/2024 18:01

Do you have her number? Could you ring her? Maybe make up a reason for ringing, a cover story, and then ask her how she is.

Soreteatowel · 29/02/2024 18:09

I could phone, but she won't answer, she never does and not just me

OP posts:
Apollo365 · 29/02/2024 18:12

I would send another msg and just say, I am worried about you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
If you are ok just give me a thumbs up, I will back off

AwBlessm · 29/02/2024 18:16

Apollo365 · 29/02/2024 18:12

I would send another msg and just say, I am worried about you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
If you are ok just give me a thumbs up, I will back off

This is good advice.

LakeTiticaca · 29/02/2024 18:20

Apollo365 · 29/02/2024 18:12

I would send another msg and just say, I am worried about you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
If you are ok just give me a thumbs up, I will back off

This ^^

yourlobster · 29/02/2024 18:27

Maybe call and leave a voicemail or send her a voice note on WhatsApp. I know people often hate these but I think hearing an actual voice might be nicer than a message.

Then respect her silence if she doesn't respond.

Invisimamma · 29/02/2024 18:32

It sounds like she's quite busy with work, but maybe suggest a meal, drink or a coffee after you hobby? Gives her a chance to open up a bit more away from others, if she wants to.

GinandGingerBeer · 29/02/2024 18:33

Difficult to gauge just how close you are but if it were a friend of mine I'd send her some flowers or a card saying 'thinking of you, get in touch when you're ready' then leave her be for now.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 01/03/2024 05:16

Apollo365 · 29/02/2024 18:12

I would send another msg and just say, I am worried about you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
If you are ok just give me a thumbs up, I will back off

This is exactly what I'd do

WandaWonder · 01/03/2024 05:30

AwBlessm · 29/02/2024 18:16

This is good advice.

good advice

EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel · 01/03/2024 05:47

yourlobster · 29/02/2024 18:27

Maybe call and leave a voicemail or send her a voice note on WhatsApp. I know people often hate these but I think hearing an actual voice might be nicer than a message.

Then respect her silence if she doesn't respond.

I’d go with a text because it’s far easier for her to just glance down at it & see the whole thing in one go.

If it’s a voicemail or voice note there’s the thing of having to be somewhere you can play it, then not knowing what you’re going to hear & having to listen to get it all. It’s much more of a decision.

I know that might sound a bit weird but it’s how I’d feel if I was very stressed anyway.

If she’s open to a call after that, then great.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2024 05:48

As you see her weekly at your hobby group try not to worry about her unless she doesn’t turn up. She knows you are concerned and are available if she wants to talk.

You’re very kind and it’s thoughtful of you to wonder what to do for the best.

She may feel she doesn’t know you well enough to talk about what is going on with her or maybe she is like me and thinks a problem shared can become a problem squared

BirthdayRainbow · 01/03/2024 07:48

Are you worried she might have harmed herself? If so you have to request a welfare check. I know I'll be rated for being over the top but you are clearly concerned, she's already said she's not okay and she could be in need.

Soreteatowel · 01/03/2024 07:55

BirthdayRainbow · 01/03/2024 07:48

Are you worried she might have harmed herself? If so you have to request a welfare check. I know I'll be rated for being over the top but you are clearly concerned, she's already said she's not okay and she could be in need.

No, I don't think that, I just think she's not OK

OP posts:
Mistyhill · 01/03/2024 08:02

Personally I would not intrude on her. I definitely would not send a message prying into how she is. Ask her when you see her but if messaging is unwelcome to her then I can’t see that a message enquiring about how she is will be successful.

ruthieness · 01/03/2024 08:06

it may work better if you Pretend that you need some help or company for something
even better if it’s true!

Advicediddlyice · 01/03/2024 08:17

Personally I’d maybe text saying you are worried about her and can she let you know she’s ok or if she needs anything. You can say if she just needs space that’s fine and that you just want a simple txt to know if she is ok.

It’s hard given she lives alone. If that wasn’t the case I probably walould leave it. Do you have any other mutual friends who might have had contact with her?

ThirdStorm · 01/03/2024 09:22

That's a toughy. Sometimes I need to be left alone and I don't like to feel like I'm being harassed. Equally knowing that somebody is thinking of me is lovely. I dislike messages that are "are you ok" but a "I saw this film and it had a funny scene, have you seen it" are soo much better. Good luck! I'm sure your friend appreciates your thoughts but stressful job, maybe some light depression it can be sometimes hard to process it all.

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