Feel as though I can no longer tolerate my stress levels - how do you cope with life and stress?

[Flowersinthewateringcan]

I’ve been under quite a bit of stress over the last 6/7 years. I suppose normal adult stresses but as I am a natural worrier and anxious person I feel that I am not coping well at all.

I’ll list what I’ve been going through these last few years. Can you tell me if my response to this is normal or am I slowly going insane? And what can I do/what do you do to cope with life stresses?

2017-2021 - DS (12 when it started) had terrible school anxiety, refused to go to school on a regular basis. Every morning he would have a meltdown. It was a horrible and very stressful time, every.single.morning. His school were not help they just pressurised me all the time and offered empty promises of help which never came to fruition. Eventually, I had to get him private counselling which I really could t afford. This all exacerbated my already existing IBS and my guts have never recovered from it tbh, I still have daily gut issues even though DS now 18 is doing much better.

2020 - MIL passed away in a hospice. She had horrible painful death from a rare intestinal cancer. On the morning she passed, I was left with her body for 2 hours whilst my FIL and DH had to go sort out paperwork etc. I don’t know why but I still find it hard to get over sitting with her body, it was both a beautiful yet terrifying experience for me (I have had health anxiety and issues with existential fears since early childhood).

2018 - my own DM (I am very close to my parents and they live near to me) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, this is an ongoing battle for her/us. Dad doesn’t cope and is very depressed despite myself and dsis seeing them regularly. I pop in 5 days a week, do all their paperwork, oversee everything they need doing, take mum to her day centre, arranged mum’s carer who comes in the mornings and anything else that needs attending to.

2022 - my beloved little 10 year old dog finally lost his struggle with cancer. I was (still am) bereft, I adored having him in my life. We now have a rescue, we adore him but due to his past he is such, such hard work (despite constant/expensive help with behaviourists). Love him to bits but the cold hard reality is he has just adds to my stress levels but we could never rehome him, he’s been through too much.

I also have a DD15 who struggles with school, she is on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment (as am I). As her mum I try to help her navigate the world but it’s a draining age!

In December, after decades of gynaecologist and gut issues I was finally (20 years later!) diagnosed with endometriosis- now sitting on a year long wait to see someone (trying to get over the anger from that one which isn’t helping me). I am 51 so also in perimenopause and experiencing all the crap that throws which is not fun but currently can not take HRT due to the endometriosis.

I’m not pulling a ‘woe is me’ post, I have just added all the above to give an idea of what has triggered some of my current issues. I know we all go through many stresses in all of our lives, I know I am far from unique but can not fathom how some people seem to thrive on stress and others (like myself) just feel like crumbling.

I feel constantly below par. I am exhausted even after 8 hours sleep (don’t think my sleep is good quality though as I dream very heavily), awful upper and lower gut issues (had endless tests, all ok), ache and hurt all over, no energy, very depressed and constantly anxious. I just want to sleep tbh, no conversations with anyone, no going anywhere - just sleep, sleep, sleep. My job involves looking after someone else too and tbh I don’t want to be looking after anyone else right now even if I’m being paid to do so (Btw, I do my job well, no one I work for knows how I feel or what my experiences are in my personal life).

I try to eat well, only drink water, walk the dog for over a hour a day, listen to the Calm app every day. I’ve had endless CBT and counselling over the years but still struggle. All my stress comes out physically which then triggers my health anxiety 🙄

So can I ask you, what do you all do to balance out the anxiety/stress responses from all the shit life throws your way? How do you cope and enjoy life?

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I have CPTSD after a similar set of events, (lost both parents close together quite horrific) to the point I had to stop working for over a year.

Do you do any exercise other than walking the dog? After counselling, anti depressants failed to work I started going to the gym, cut any processed food out, starting taking shedloads of vitamins (also menopausal) and I am like a new women.

it sounds like you are giving so much of yourself to everyone else, in my experience it’s only possible to do that for so long.

I had to get a different job where I wasn't looking after other people. I also got a hobby which has a little community around it so that takes my mind off things. Do you do anything for yourself ?

Rescue Remedy spray is quite good.

Maybe have your thyroid checked? Beware though, the NHS doesn't recognise the problem easily. Read up on it a bit if you think it sounds possible. There's reportedly overlap with ADHD and IBS, underactive thyroid can cause you to feel exhausted even with sleep and MH issues such as anxiety can be a symptom also. Hope you get some relief.

You can have endo on your bowels which can cause at least some gut issues.

I have endo and have HRT so not sure why they have said you can't have it?

Sounds like if some of your physical issues could be better you would be in a much better place.

I find regular exercise helps keep the gut issues not too bad. I can't say I necessarily enjoy it but it does help.

I also found peri came along with massive anxiety and a lack of coping with stress.

I'm now on anti anxiety meds which have made a massive difference.

I also do open water swimming and while it's not really the season to start it doesn't half help with hot flushes.

I don’t think I do cope tbh.

Try a weighted blanket when you sleep. I felt refreshed for the first time in my life when I tried it.

If you can get some hard cardio that might help.

Don't underestimate the amount of shit that you've been through.

Could you take some time off work with a note from your GP?
I'm not suprised you feel wrung out.

Be careful not to be taken advantage of.

Thank you everyone.

almostthere75 Some time off would be lovely right now but I am a self-employed PA for a disabled person. Sadly, I can not afford to take time off atm as their own parents (their main carer) are poorly so they need me to help as much as possible.

RoadToPlants I feel your pain.

Octavia64 Absolutely. I feel the physical problems are the main issues which are weighing me down right now, if I can somehow balance them then maybe, mentally/emotionally, I could cope better all round.
I do need to try antidepressants (just scared any potential side effects will add to my issues). But I just can not see how I will emotionally and mentally cope watching my mum succumb to dementia and all the shit this awful disease will throw our way. I do need some kind of ‘back-up’.
My gynaecologist has told me the oestrogen side of the HRT will most probably exacerbate the growth of the endometriosis (am on a waiting list for a laparoscopy to remove the endo). I did ask on a support group I follow and many of the ladies said it made them worse but you are ok on it? That’s encouraging as I really would like to try it. Mum has the dementia but also heart disease and osteoporosis so I am keen to protect myself against these diseases as much as I possibly can.

Do you find a way to have fun, OP?

Hobbies, sport, drinks with friends? Opportunities for laughter?

I am not sure the emphasis on sleep and calm will do enough to make you happy or to distract you from the things you’re worried or anxious about. It doesn’t create any good experiences to balance out the bad.

Sounds like you are ground down from years of taking on the burdens of others, and being a mother. Perhaps you have lost yourself with so many people to care for.

Maybe a long term solution is to start prioritising yourself and really, really work on that. It's not easy I know, but there are lots of books, podcasts and YouTube videos. Put on your own oxygen mask first or you can't help others.

Check out The Academy of Ideas on YouTube, or even Jordan Peters on is excellent on things like this. In 12 Rules for life, there is a chapter on putting yourself first.

You have a lot on your plate, so apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

ComfyBoobs I really have no desire for fun tbh. I feel absolutely knackered and miserable. I went to bed at 8pm last night, not only because I was shattered but I can’t be arsed to talk to anyone anymore. I do recognise that I am depressed but don’t really know how to dig myself out of the hole I’ve created.

Thanks for that Drivinginmycar I will look at those tonight. I have had enough of looking out for/after everyone else. I feel I’ve done my bit but it just keeps coming my way and I can’t say no. Definitely need to work on that and a bit of self care I suppose but I just want to sleep all the time and block everything out.