5yo daughter confused and doesn’t want to live with me

[AML1103]

Hi All,

so I have a 5 year old daughter and I am no longer with her dad. We split up when she was 3 just turning 4 and she is now almost 6. She is a very switched on 5 year old for her age and remembers almost everything about me being with her dad.

up until me and her dad broke up, she was a mummy’s girl through and through, I used to struggle to get her to even give her dad a cuddle at times. When her dad moved out, she struggled a lot. She would cry at night time saying she missed him and she wants him back home which broke my heart every night. Me and her dad are civil enough and never let her hear any negative conversations or even feel there is an atmosphere.

she’s now almost 6 and she has seen him regularly ever since he moved out. To be specific, she stays at his every Tuesday and Friday night and then every other weekend he will have her until the Monday where he drops her off at school. We have worked out that I have her about 55% of the time and he has her 45% of the time.

the problem I’m having is, when she is with me, she constantly cries about missing her dad and wants to go to his house. She tells me she loves me repeatedly and that I’m the best mum ever but also apologies about the fact that she wants to go there.

I have never shouted at her for feeling this way, I have only tried to be understanding and calm and explained that I love her and her dad loves her no matter what.

I know I’m a good mum, she is my absolute world and my number 1 priority. I am the parent that takes her to the doctors when she’s poorly, I take her on little getaways and days out doing anything she wants. I am the parent that lets all her friends from the street come in and play in her room for hours on end or lets her have sleepovers almost every weekend. I do everything to make her happy but it feels as though it’s not enough.

I do have a new partner and she has met him and gets on with him so well, but I do have a feeling her dad and his family are putting things into her head because she once said to me “daddy is sad when I leave him and you have (partner)” so I have a funny feeling she has said she wanted to come home once and her dad has said “nooo, daddy wants you here because I’m sad when you go and mummy is alright cause she has (partner)” and that’s stuck in her head. I did ask her what her dad says to her and she did tell me that he has told her he’s lonely and sad when she goes so I do think that’s playing a massive part along with the fact that she still sleeps in the same bed as her dad and doesn’t have a bed time at all, whereas at my house she sleeps in her own room and has a bedtime routine.

am I overthinking this or is it a problem? How do I handle it because I feel constant shame and guilt and I don’t quite know what to do.

i have spoken to her dad about it and he tells me I’m being stupid and letting a 5 year old manipulate me but he isn’t the one dealing with the constant crying. If I let her, she would move in with her dad tomorrow and she once said that to me and I burst into tears and she started panicking and hugging me really tight and retracting on everything she said.

I think she carries too much weight for a 5 year old. It’s not her job to worry about her parents or feel torn, she is too young and I have tried explaining this to her but she doesn’t get it. I want her to just enjoy life at both houses and be happy but right now, that’s not happening.

any advice would be so helpful! Thank you

She doesn't really want to live with her Dad. She's trying to understand her feelings about this - if her Dad is saying he's sad and lonely that's awful of him to try and make his DD feel responsible for his happiness.
In the face of his mildly coercive and inappropriate parenting (if that's the case) you need to be the sensible one here. Stand firm. She needs you both.
When she cries, comfort her and say Daddy is perfectly fine on his own. You both miss her when she's not there but it's important she sees you both. Tell her she's not responsible for cheering up her parents!
This tearful patch will pass. You both need to be mindful of not making her feel responsible for you.

Great post from @Beamur

I think it's important you make sure she doesn't feel like she has a choice. It's too much pressure to young to let her choose. 'I know you miss daddy but it's Wednesday today. Wednesday is a mummy day. You'll see daddy on Friday. Shall we read a book/play/unload the dishwasher.'
Her time with you is important.

Like @Beamur said, your DD is trying to make sense of her feelings etc and doesn’t necessarily want to live with her DF.

My parents separated when I was 6 and back in the early 80’s there was no such thing as recognising a child’s feelings in cases of divorce etc (I grew up in another country), but my school reports for that year and the following all say I cried a lot, often for no reason (nobody cared enough to ask why - how times change!). I vaguely remember this and this was my way of dealing with the situation. It’s normal to react like your DD is.

You could contact the Senco at her school and see if they run the ELSA programme - it stands for emotional literacy support - and see if they can offer your DD a course. My DS(9) is having his second course of 6-week sessions and they have been invaluable for him (for different reasons to your DD). Have a look at the Elsa-support.co.uk website.

I appreciate your responses. There has been times where I have caved in the past because my heart is breaking hearing her cry for her dad so I have called him and she has gone there. I don’t do it all the time but when it’s really bad, I just feel terrible making her stay with me when she doesn’t want to. I then end up crying all night because I feel like the worst mum in the world

She is clearly very torn and feels terrible guilt - that her dad says he is lonely and that you cry when she says she wants to live there. You both need to stop doing that.

She’s had a lot of change and must be in emotional turmoil, you need to reassure her that it’s not her job to make you or daddy happy. If she genuinely does want to live with her dad and is still repeating this down the line then I really think you need to consider her feelings and make a decision.

Edited to add - you’re not a terrible mum, it’s a horrible thing to have to navigate.

he has told her he’s lonely and sad when she goes so I do think that’s playing a massive part along with the fact that she still sleeps in the same bed as her dad and doesn’t have a bed time at all, whereas at my house she sleeps in her own room and has a bedtime routine.

Words fail me. There is so many shades of wrong in this......

I would avoid giving in or even presenting it as an option. The flip side of choice and control is responsibility and that can be crippling for a small child. Never ask her if she wants to go - that's too much for her to say no to - and if she comes up with it, just say "you'll be there tomorrow/Friday."

She is feeling like it is her fault that daddy is sad and she's not there, so doing the only thing she can think of to fix it.

Can you talk to your ex about what he is saying? He might be trying to say he loves her in a cack handed way, so instead he could just say that he can't wait to see her on Friday, have a lovely time with mummy etc. instead of how much he's going to miss her. It sounds as if he is the root of it, hopefully he'll want to stop her feeling like this.

This.

Children need boundaries and routine to feel safe and secure. Letting her go to dads will confuse her and mess with her head.
Have a word with dad about cheery goodbyes 'love you lots daddy will see you on x day and don't worry dad will be just fine' he needs to stop all this daddy will be sad without you bollocks - that's bordering on emotional abuse imo.

Children need the adults to show them the adults are in control and they have everything handled.
You are correct - small children don't need to hear about adult emotions or feel responsible.

My 5 year old was similar when my ex & I separated. I remember nights of continual ‘I miss daddy’. She even said she wanted to live with him! Age didn’t even stay overnight!

Fast forward 2 years & it’s totally different. She’s much more settled & happy.

I would just stay firm, keep repeating what you’re saying & living with Dad isn’t an option.

It’s hard not to give in when your child is crying but you need to put your own feelings aside and be the grown up. It’s not fair on your DD to give her the option of going to her dad when it is your day. It will be far easier for her to adjust to the new arrangements if she knows that she has no input on it and just has to do as directed by her parents.

It sound like you both guilt trip her with your emotions around the split. With dad saying he's lonely and you crying you are putting a huge amount onto her.

You both need to act like adults and manage your emotions and stop making them your daughters problem. She's only 5. She shouldn't know that either of you are sad because of where she is staying.

How amicable is your relationship with her dad OP? Would you feel able to say to him 'I'm really concerned about how DD is handling the transition between homes just now, she mentioned you saying you were sad when she isn't there and I'm wondering if we maybe need to be a bit more upbeat about the time she's away from us both, just to reassure her that no one needs to be sad?'

Make the point that it's both your jobs/responsibility to make coparenting as easy and gentle on DD as possible and that she needs both of you, whatever she thinks/says she wants at 5 years old. He's being very unfair putting his adult emotions on the shoulders of a little girl so I would be finding a way to point that out in whatever way you think he will be most receptive to.

She just needs to get used to it, it takes time. When she says she misses daddy why not get her a scrap book which she can take between houses to show each parent and she can draw what she does each day.

If you want her to have interaction with him on your time and vice versa I'm sure there is some sort of simple and cheap tablet she could take between houses that she could have in her room just to use as a video phone with your and her dad's numbers in it which she could use and he / you could read her a bedtime story over it etc. but when she uses it you need to be on the same page, its just like ringing grandma for a chat, if she wants to go to the other parents house she needs a light-hearted "oh I miss you too but it's a Mummy/Daddy day today and I will see you in 2 sleeps. I love you lots!"

Just because it happened a few years ago doesn't mean much, it takes time to process she's getting older, learning about family dynamics etc and things that didn't bother her previously do bother her now.

Do be careful introducing a new partner whilst she's feeling like this, take it very slowly.

My daughter never liked sleeping over so she always got dropped back at mine in the evening and picked up again the next morning. She really settled after that although it meant I never got an overnight break. She got a lot of chopping and changing she might benefit from longer at each house as by the time she's transitioned and settled she's back out the door again.

There is quite a lot of chop and change going on in her week. I think sit down with your ex explain that a proper routine needs to be created and stuck to and then stick to it. Have a visual timetable so she knows where she should be and when

how much does she see your partner

Thank you everyone. I have always been upbeat about her going to her to dads and very encouraging of her having a good time there because there was once a time, she never wanted to go and I tried to make everything sunshine and rainbows so she could see it was a good thing. Although I still am upbeat about it, it’s hard knowing that they are unlikely doing the same and the more I encourage her to have a good time there and the more they encourage her to miss them, the more control I’m losing over her. I wish I could just hear the things they are saying to her because I’m so convinced that things have been said and it’s stuck with her.

as for me crying, this was a build up of months and months of me smiling and being the “nurturing” parent when my heart is aching everytime she has projected the fact she doesn’t want to be with me. I actually couldn’t help it and just broke down, to a degree, I think it helped because I think she thought her words had no consequences up until that point and when she saw that it hurt me, she instantly stopped however it hasn’t made things better long term. I am still the calm parent that listens to her and comforts her when she feels sad about it and I never show her that it hurts me. I just explain that it’s time with mummy and she will see her dad in a few days etc. she doesn’t listen though and literally begs me, and when I say beg, she gets on her knees with her hands together and literally begs me to go to her dads whilst crying her eyes out. The tells me she will do anything for me if I let her and that she loves me but she loves her dad more because he does anything for her and he’s sad when she’s not there. its painful and really heart breaking.

Maybe you could arrange mediation where you could raise the cosleeping and inappropriate comments?
She needs to know she’s not responsible for her parents happiness and that the arrangements are firm and won’t change unless it’s for her benefit I.e. class party or planned holidays.

Agree with many PP’s. As hard as it is, you need to be breezy (at least in front of her) and this will pass.

That sounds really tough. I think you are doing the right thing - keep supporting her to have a good time at her Dad's but be firm about the begging and crying. Something along the lines of 'lets have no more of that, I hear you are worried that Dad is missing you, but he's a grown up and will be just fine until it's time for you to go back there. Now is time for you to be here'
Keep being breezy, acknowledge her feelings but make it clear that the division of time is not negotiable. Although as she gets older you might want to change it. I think she's feeling far too responsible for everyone else and that really needs nipping in the bud.

Is she super scared at night? Just wondering if she wants her dad because she doesn’t have to sleep alone? One of my DC is older (10) and going through a phase of wanting to sleep with us, and being quite emotional at bedtime. Has changed schools so likely related to change in routine.

@Howdidtheydothat Yes it does tend to be night time she starts. Or when she knows it’s getting close 🤦🏽‍♀️ it’s so random and she will just start crying out of no where and then start saying she misses him. If I tell her she can fall to sleep downstairs or I’ll lie with her longer than usual then she sometimes calms down. I know for a fact if I let her sleep in my bed, the whole thing would stop which is just crazy. I have stressed to her dad that he needs to put her in her own room and let her sleep on her own and as much as he is saying “I will once I’ve done her room” I know for a fact, he won’t. He still shares a bed sometimes with his mum and he is 36. Enough said 🤣

So why don’t you let her sleep in your bed?

Shes still so little and it would only be temporary while she’s feeling this way. Does your partner live with you/stay overnights?

It sounds like she actually just doesn't like sleeping alone and that's why she wants to go. Have you spoken to her about any real reasons? She wants to go? She calms down when you offer to stay with her at night. Could you maybe try to encourage the transition for her? Tell her how grown up she is being, decorate her room, make a big deal of her choosing her own bed spread, reading nook, lights etc and how nice it is having her own space. Dad is making one for you at his house too etc. Could she be afraid of the dark? We found a night light helped.

@DrunkenElephant Because she slept with me from when she was born right up until she was 3 and I made the decision to start transitioning her into her own room so that when I met someone new, she didn’t feel as though I was kicking her out so someone else could get in. She has slept perfectly fine in her own room for the last almost 3 years and doesn’t wake through the night at all. It’s just before bed time she gets worked up about missing her dad. I initially put it down to her just being tired because there is no other time of day she even mentions him.

we have a really nice bed time routine, she has a bath, she then gets “10 minutes” on her iPad, I then go in and read her a story and lie with her until she falls to sleep. This has never been an issue until recently where it’s no longer good enough and she mentions about her dad sleeping alone and being sad cause she’s not there.