8yo doesn't really have friends

[Pludoniyum]

My 8yo DS (Y3) is a kind, gentle, quiet and sensitive boy. He gets on well enough with other children but can't seem to really make strong friendships and quite often other children are mean to him e.g. today in the playground when he went up to a small group of boys he usually plays with they said "you can't play with us, go away" and so he went and sat alone and read his book. He used to be friendly with some of the girls but they now won't play with him because he's a boy. He just always seems to be on the fringes of the group and it has always been like that right from his preschool days. He doesn't hold a room or command a group like some kids do, he doesn't like boisterous or loud games and if other kids are horrible to him he won't say anything back.

He does extra curricular groups - beavers, forest school etc and although he enjoys them it's exactly the same story there. 1:1 play dates don't seem to make a difference either.

His teachers are of the view that if he is doing well academically and is not disruptive he's perfectly fine. I don't take this view because he's spoken to me about feeling sad and left out.

It breaks my heart to see. What more can I do? There just seems to be something about him that means he's always on the edge of a group and never properly included.

God, this stuff is so hard OP. Your DS sounds lovely and it might just be that he hasn't found 'his people' yet. That doesn't make it any easier right now though. I bought this book for DD when she was that age. We didn't end up using it in the end, but it looked really useful. I used the one about anger in the same series with DS and it helped.

You're a Star

Have you talked to his teacher? Has he had play dates in your house? What are his class like/ or the parents in that class? Does he have any interests where he could start clubs? (Sorry about all the questions)

My son was like this and after a chat with his teacher she sat him at a different group and he clicked with two of them and it really helped but there’s also the horrible thought that he may not be in a nice class/might be just talking to the kids that aren’t so nice- my eldest was in the loveliest class and a boy who had been bullied moved to their school. He moved to the class ahead of my son and my son said it was such a pity as that class was full of mean idiots. We always said if only he’d been in my son’s class (a standout lovely class). Best of luck op, it’s so hard

Yes, she basically said he seems fine and happy at school which is an attitude I've repeatedly encountered - I know my son and I know when he's happy and when he's not. Quiet and non disruptive does not automatically equate to fine. When I've specifically said, such and such told DS he couldn't play with them, she's said DS needs to learn to be more assertive.

His class are fine, a mix really of the usual sort of kids and parents. He's just always on the fringes and I honestly can't work out why.

it’s good at least he’s not in a horrible’ class. Re read your op again and see he does beavers and has some play dates. I’m torn between saying it might just happen and maybe it’s just something you have to wait for and knowing how it feels when they say it. I’d assume he won’t approach the boys again/ try again? Sorry op, no help but, gut says to try the teacher again/ride it out/try another play date but they’re not that helpful. All you can do really is make sure he’s happy/has fun at home at the moment and hopefully it will come (hopefully someone else has more ideas x)

My son is 7 and this struck a chord for me as I'm worried he's going through something similar.

I'm instigating as many play dates as I can. Every time he mentions a name I say, 'ooh shall we invite them for a play date / park meet?' It means we do this over the weekend.

It's been really one-sided so far (as in no reciprocation) but it's early days and everyone asked has met up. I find DS is better on his own than in a group. There's a lot of 'naughty' (his word!) boys at his school and he doesn't like being around them. I can see how he interacts then with other kids.

Agree with PP about finding 'his tribe'. It will come

He's not very good at instigating play in a group, so it takes a lot for him to go up and ask, and then when he's told "you can't play with us" it knocks his confidence.

He seems happy enough at home and has a big family who all adore him.

Can you invite a friend over for tea? This might help him to build relationships. Id have a word with school re the incident in the playground as that is not being kind at all by the other children x

I do this already and they always go well but it doesn't seem to make a difference to school - there's a big group mentality there.

I spoke to the teacher about the playground incident and she said she would talk to the whole class about being kind to each other.

@yellowgecko i would dearly love to reciprocate play dates but I’m struggling to manage work and parenting and can’t cope with much else right now. I’m so grateful to anyone asking DS for a playdate and express my gratitude- me not reciprocating is nothing to do with them and I’m hoping to reciprocate in the summer.

Ds is 9 and has always been on the outskirts of the class social groups and still is mostly in year 4, complete opposite to his siblings. He’s quiet, sensitive and very introverted. It used to bother him a lot, but less so now. He tried all the rugby, football etc but it wasn’t him and he was very much left out but liked if that makes sense. Teacher always describes him as liked by everyone, but never picked. We have tried to stick with doing things he likes, Cubs & recently he’s started athletics & a field event which he enjoys, it does wonders for his self confidence. There was a kid in his class he got on well with but never saw out of school, we invited him round for a few afternoons and they’ve had fun and good friends now. So if you can try a few play dates I would, or even an hour at the park somewhere. Made all the difference. The dynamics have really changed in year 4 for us, he’ll find his tribe it definitely takes some kids longer.

Do any of the local children play outside in the summer? My DS didn't get included when the local children were playing out. I took a box of lego out to our front grass and told him to just play with it by himself and soon enough, all the local boys came and asked him if they could play with it too. (Not much help in this weather, but may be worth trying when the weather perks up.)