Funeral Etiquette

[Karadis]

I'm attending a funeral on Friday of a neighbour. We were in-passing friendly, but not friends. There is a food and drinks gathering at the house following the service.

What's the etiquette in terms of being invited to someone's home as opposed to a venue? Is it okay to turn up empty handed?

It's family flowers only, I've sent a card previously. I feel the answer is obvious - I'm not expected to bring anything along, but want to check here just in case!

You don’t need to give anything. They will appreciate you being there. The last thing mourning families want to do is sort through gifts or find vases for flowers. Also it’s upsetting when all the flowers die. They may have nominated a charity to donate to.

Tell them how pleased you were to have their loved one as a neighbour, what a lovely person they were.

I would have said take a card if you haven’t sent one already but you have, that’s all you need to do

Ok, brilliant, thanks for that.

When the old lady died next door I went to the funeral and made a sponge cake for sharing at the tea back at the house. It was not expected but was appreciated. I made the effort for Her.

A couple of years later the old man died. None if the neighbours told me he had died. Maybe people sussed I would not have gone. I had my reasons. Lecherous old scrot

I would still bring something. Box of teabags/bag of sugar even. It can be used later if not needed immediately. It's a nice token gesture.- and simpler than cooking something if you don't know them overly well.
Vases are handy.. people get loads of flowers and often don't have the vases. I remember when my mum died there were pint glasses everywhere with flowers in!

Thanks, I appreciate it. To be honest, the family are fairly young and are well-resourced. We live down the road and see they have deliveries of food and so on almost every day (as in bakers, fishmonger, tea merchants etc).

Maybe a box of nice chocolates? There's a handmade chocolate place nearby, handily!

What normally happens is that during the ceremony the celebrant will say that the family would like to invite you all to wherever; or it is on the order of service. You do not need to take anything.

I’m Irish, so appreciate funeral etiquette here differs somewhat especially due to the number of people attending (usually large extended community) but a tray of sandwiches never goes astray or a plate of buns/ baked goods. Some people will take things some won’t. Nothings ever expected. It’s quite ok to attend and not bring anything.

It is not essential nor expected to bring anything.
On occasion I have brought something but remember to not cause any more work. Take plate home with you.
Bring sandwiches on a plate or in a container that you don't mind losing.
In your case I would not take anything.
If they are close neighbours I might make a casserole for them the next week.

Yes, maybe taking something over after the event makes sense. Thanks everyone.

It's fine to turn up empty handed to the wake but I would ring the funeral director and ask if they are collecting charity donations, in lieu of flowers, from other mourners.

No, in my experience, there is no expectation to take anything.

@fortifiedwithtea what was the point of the second paragraph in your post. You answered the OPs q in the first.
No need to mention your letchy neighbour unless you are hoping to share further details

There is often a collection in church for charity so it's an idea to pop a few coins in your pocket

If it's someone I didn't know very well (someone from same street etc) to pay respects then I would usually go to the funeral but not the wake. I think the wake is for friends and family to catch up and share memories, especially if it's something small in someone's house.

If I had invited you under these circumstances I would not expect you to bring anything. It’s not a party. I would however be absolutely delighted that you’d come to the funeral and had gone on to the celebration of my relative’s life. Truly this means so much. 🙏🏻

Irish here. Honestly I tend to bring either a few dish towels and some packs of teaspoons. I have helped in some many kitchen in houses after funerals and these were the things that we were often short of.

I received an invitation from the family to both the funeral and wake - bit surprised, but I think most people on our small road will be there.

Thanks all for the advice, and sharing your wisdom and thoughts on this - it's much appreciated.

Ireland here and yep we do things a wee bit different

The Wake is the two nights between death and buriel and if its an open house, ie, anyone can pop in to pay respects, then friends, family and neighbours are there on the doorstep with trays of sandwiches and tray bakes, the spare tea service and milk, tea bags, coffee and sugar

We also take up cooked meals for the family as they wont have time to cook because of the steady stream of visitors

Tea after the service is open to anyone and no one is expected to bring anything with them. Funerals are big here so after the service tea is usually in the church hall or nearest function room/hotel

Your neighbours family will be glad to see you. Its important for families to know their loved one was thought about in life and people want to pay respects

NI here. Bit different to England I always feel. Mentioned further upthread but I always bring a small box of teabags, bag of sugar and maybe a fruit loaf or pack of buns with a long date and just leave them in the kitchen.

Not expected to bring anything. These days it would be usual for family flowers only but donations to X charity via the funeral director in the deceased memory - usually a cause they supported or were supported by, or related to their cause of death. If there isn't anything like that arranged, maybe you could ask if there was a particular charity you could make a donation to in his memory if you want to do something.

I know it's a sad subject, but I'm actually really enjoying reading all of the different replies.

Funnily enough, the standout memory for me of my granny's funeral when I was 10 was the fact that a neighbour brought teabags and a bag of sugar along to the gathering afterwards! She'd put them on the hall table and my dad thought she'd just popped in on her way back from the shop, so as she was leaving he was chasing her down the stairs shouting "Mary! Mary! You've left your messages!"

Personally OP I wouldn't bring anything in your situation. When my mum died, so many people brought or sent me flowers, which was really kind of course. I love flowers (and I have loads of vases!) but honestly it was the cards that I really appreciated most. I also loved talking to people who knew her as a friend or work colleague, it was really nice hearing stories about her that I hadn't heard before.