Everyone asking ‘when are you back to work?’ when you’re on maternity leave

[Mabelzx]

Maybe it’s partly because I hate my job and don’t ever want to go back… but I noticed it on my first maternity leave too. Within the first minute of bumping into anyone I know for the first time with the baby they will instantly ask when I’m going back to work. I then have to provide some vague answer, while having palpitations at the thought of it. Why are they asking? These people have never taken any interest in my work at literally any other time but suddenly when you’re off after having a baby it seems they must know when you’ll be back at your desk 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s really only a question. Clearly work is bringing up some difficult feeling for you which I hope you are getting support for, and can address.

I didn't particularly like being asked this either.

I didn't mind "are you planning to go back to work?" as it meant people weren't just assuming and asking when.

I found that a simple "Don't know yet- just enjoying the stage I'm in! Decision time will get here soon enough!" 😊

They don’t care - it’s just something to say.

Oh I hated being asked that question.I had it 5 months before I left the workplace,and for months after I had the baby.Its a special time you want to spend with your baby,not being reminded or having a time limit on your mind.I actually had no intention to go back to work,but i suppose a vague answer was better than 'I'm not coming back at all actually,I'm just making sure I get my maternity pay first'😂😂

People still ask me that now and my daughter is 2.5 😆. You can't possibly have a identity or anything to talk about unless you have got work to discuss!

Agree it’s just small talk, it’s upsetting to you because you hate your job and don’t want to go back.

Wait until you’re not going back, the comments you get about that! Years ago we chose for me to be a SAHM for a number of reasons and try telling people you aren’t going back (I think a lot of the comments stem from guilt from other Mothers who would have liked not to go back but couldn’t but being nasty to someone who is …)
“oh I would be SO bored in the house all day”
” and here’s you went to uni and everything”
“must be great to able to afford not to work”

Most comments came from women whose family were providing childcare for them, few close friends in particular, which kind of irked as they knew that wasn’t an option for us.

OP - if you’re feeling like that is there anyway to drop a day or two or have a year or two off? We cut our outgoings back to allow me to be at home?

You know that disagreeing with you doesn't make a troll don't you?

People make conversation, you can't expect them to know you are so sensitive to every day chit chit, people who are offended by small talk should carry a warning sign so the rest of us can avoid

I think the people asking mean no more by it than they do by commenting on the weather. It’s small talk as others have said.

I've noticed the same after being widowed. A real insistence on needing to know when im returning to work plus a few smug comments about the generosity of full pay for sick leave.
Meanwhile my two daughters who are still at uni have needed so much support to just manage to remain on their courses and life has been pretty chaotic.

I'm currently on mat leave and I hate this question too. It feels like people are jealous of the time you are having off with your baby and it's like they are wishing it away. It is such a precious time and a new Mum should be able to enjoy it without feeling a sort of guilt that they are being paid (badly!) for having 9 months "off"

Rural rules, that is awful. Where is the empathy & compassion? I'm so sorry for your loss.

I really think we should all live in our housesm get off the internet and never speak to another living person in case something offends someone

asking when someone goes back to work is triggering, god forbid someone asks what brand of nappy you use

Whoops, I definitely ask this! Small talk and an effort to talk about the mum as an individual, rather than just baby-or birth-focussed things.

I didn't mind people asking me and most people I know are fairly career-focussed.

I also ask dads how long they've got off.

I think maybe just brush it off and change the subject: I don't think any harm is meant.

I did got back for a year but found it really stressful so became a sahp. People constantly asked me when I was planning to go back to work, did I miss work? Was I bored? It was like they couldn't just let me enjoy the break.

I'd have one stock answer prepared, eg "Jan 25' then change the subject. It doesn't matter if you change your mind or alter the date, you don't owe anyone a explanation

No one knows what your job is, that's why people say it.

Are you going back to work? Yes, then say xx month. No? Then say God no its awful there.

People will ask bland questions which for 99.99% of people are ok.

They will ask if starting a family is next at a wedding as that's the traditional thing to do. (Or used to be)

Someone with an engagement ring, whens the wedding..

5th year students- what A levels are you doing

Someone in a shpping centre - what are you buying?

It's not rude, It's small talk

But work is part of who you are.

If you don't work, that's part of who you are

Where you live is part of who you are.

How you dress is part of who you are

You do start to wonder how many times you’ve asked mundane question to suggest you are interested in someone else’s life and they have walked away outraged.😂

I was just thinking the same thing - "how was your holiday?" Need to stop all that dangerous talk

It's natural to ask about people's future plans as 'showing an interest' small talk.

It starts young... 'what A levels will you do? Are you going to go to uni?
Then, if engaged 'when's the wedding?'. Then there's 'got any holiday plans?'

So yes, the natural what's in your future question when you have a baby is 'Are you/when are you going back to work?'

I've found that when people ask small talk questions they don't really care about the answer. Most people think I work part time and I went back to work after a year. I'm a sahm but people assume I work so I let them continue thinking that.

I think the amount of upset you feel at being asked this is telling you that you really need to think about changing jobs as soon as you can.

They don't care about your work, they are just being friendly and asking how much leave you have to enjoy your new baby, and (for those who have been through it) how you are going to manage childcare etc.

I understand how you feel about it - when DS was tiny I didn't want to even think about the difficulties of finding a good nursery and balancing everything, it was easier just to stay in a nice baby bubble and I was quite resentful of people bursting it by talking about going back to the work routine. And I like my job, so I can imagine it is much worse when you don't.

Good point.

“Where do you live?” - might be ‘triggering’ to someone who has been homeless or is about to lose their home.

“how are you?” - might be ‘triggering’ to someone who is feeling very low.

It is endless and ridiculous.

it’s just chit chat, people don’t mean any harm!!

Just small talk, and though sometimes small talk is awkward, remember that in small talk people dont actually care they are just going through the motion so be equally shallow in your response and reaction. I dont recommend lying out and out though because people might remember and lying is embarrassing.
you could reply:

Hah! Don't remind me! Toi soon! Te is flying by so quickly, I can believe its nearly Easter and then change subject about idk, oooh must get easter eggs or are you going away for easter?
Still a fee weeks/months left
Soon!
In a while yet!
In the summer/autumn/whatever

Breezy vague answer and swift deflection or subject change

Or answer: my mat leave ends on X and if you felt like it you could say mt mat leave officially ends on but my exact return details havent been finalised, still need to iron out a few details with my boss