Appointing Childs Guardians - how did you decide

[throwawaytuesday]

DH & I are older parents. We have 5 year old twins. We're sorting out our wills and appointing guardians to our children should anything happen to us.

I'm in a quandary though, I'm almost certainly overthinking things but I'd appreciate some perspective and how you decided.

My DB & SIL are the natural choice. They currently have teenagers, are very financially secure, I like how they've brought up my DNieces but they are quite strict. They live close by but we don't always see them that much due to our lives being so busy, but we are close and regularly speak to each other.

The other option is my SIL (DH sister), she has 2 children, youngest is very close in age to my DT's. She lives 2 hours away so not ideal, I don't always agree with her parenting style, or lack of boundaries with regards to behaviour or food choices. But despite that she absolutely adores our DT's and I know they would be very much loved. She is a single parent but has a very good job.

My head is saying my DB, they're local, keeps our DT's in the area that they know amongst all their friends etc.

How did you go about choosing, I don't like to think about bad things happening but I also want to be assured that if the worst should happen then our wishes would be actioned.

In our case we really only had one realistic option so the angst didn't really arise. While I do get how you're feeling, I think you are overthinking it somewhat, it's really highly unlikely to ever happen but if it did I think your brother is the obvious choice. In the wake of a terrible tragedy it's about what's best for the children, which would definitely be to be able to be as settled as possible and stay in same schools etc. sorry to be blunt but it's not some kind of sick competition as to who loves them more or who's the best parent with care of your children as the "prize", it's what would be best in that highly specific and very unlikely set of circumstances. I'm sure your SIL would fully understand that.

I think rather than worrying too much about who the children live with your energies would be better spent really making sure the financials and other practicalities are sorted e.g. pensions, life insurance, critical care cover, powers of attorney, letters of wishes about e.g. funerals or what you would wish to happen should you lose capacity in an accident. Even if the guardians have good jobs you wouldn't want them left out of pocket by having to care for your kids and you'd want the children to have everything they need including therapies, education costs covered etc so 100% sort that out. Particularly if there would be a substantial amount of money to leave in trust for the children you could look at making your SIL a trustee, it can be helpful to have someone outside the children's immediate residence as a neutral party looking out for their welfare and helping make decisions on what the trust should and shouldn't pay for. Only do this though if you're sure your SIL would work well with your brother and in the interests of the children rather than being a barrier...

Well, are you sure both would say yes if you asked them? I think there's also the issue of who realistically has room in their life for an extra child/pair of children.

I think the decision would be concluded based on fairly extensive discussion with anyone you’re considering about how they’d raise your DC, alongside their own if still young whilst treating them equally, and how they’d make important decisions on behalf of your child.

Loving your DC doesn’t necessarily mean they’d make good guardians, and nor does it mean they’d want the role. I’m fairly fond of DN but there’s no way I’d agree to be her guardian if asked.

It's also interesting that when you appoint guardians they don't have to be the ones that your children live with, they are the ones that make the decision who they live with when you are gone.

I would have a chat with both people about it, your choice may change over time as well as the ones with older children may not want to take on more children in 10 years time etc. You could even do joint guardians and then let them sort it out between them based on he circumstances at the time.

My DH is an only as was his dad. He had 3 much younger cousins that he has lost regular contact with since the GPs died. I have one sibling. Bro and sis in law didn’t have kids yet when we asked. We don’t totally agree on parenting but we have largely similar values. They may move away from the area and there is nothing we can do about that. It’s such an unlikely event that me and DH would be killed without our DC so not worth losing sleep over.

with regards to my DB yes I am, we've had the conversation as I'm the appointed guardian to their children

Exactly. And how them raising your DC would be funded. We appointed one of my sisters (childfree and living alone) and one of DH's sisters (large family of adult children) as guardians, though DS would initially live with my parents, and we had to make various financial arrangements to subsidise his upbringing.

We didn't really have to decide, it was a choice of BIL or PIL. We asked BIL, they don't have DC and are obviously younger and more active, on the understanding that PIL would help out. And we made them promise to keep the DC away from my side of the family. All are happy, including the DC. They know if something happens to us BIL &SIL will look after them, although only BIL is named in the will as he's the blood relative. I wonder if we should change that though and name both of them.

From your post, sounds to me like your DB is the best choice. Not sure having a child close to their age would be a help, your DB would be able to devote more time to them. Staying local and being able to keep up with school/clubs would be a point in their favour too.

Our wills state that the decision will be made by DH’s family as to who amongst them would be best placed to raise them. Things change over time; PIL would have been the natural choice a decade ago, but now they are getting older. At one time, SIL would have been a good choice; not so much so now she is wrestling with mental health issues. BIL or my own DB wouldn’t have been a great choice a few years ago; now I think either would be pretty good.

Basically, things change and it’s good to build in some flexibility, so you’re not revisiting your will constantly for something that is unlikely to ever be actioned.

Having written all the above about family, I’m actually coming round to the idea that a child free friend of mine would in reality be a better guardian than any of our family. She’s more of an auntie to them in her actions than anyone else, and I know she’d be devoted.