How would you approach this with your teens? Online blackmail and suicide

Koulibiak · 2024-02-26T22:30:54+00:00

I was very sad to read this news story today [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/feb/26/golden-boy-16-killed-himself-after-being-blackmailed-over-nude-photos https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2024/feb/26/golden-boy-16-killed-himself-after-being-blackmailed-over-nude-photos]] Partly it’s because we have friends at the school, live in the same area, and have kids the same age. DCs have had countless online safety talks from school and from us, so they know what not to do. But mistakes happen … I’d like to also tell them that nudes are not the end of the world ; that if they make a mistake, no matter how awful (excluding criminality), we will be there to support them and get them through it - that they don’t need to commit the unthinkable because of (perceived or actual) shame for them or us. That’s a hard conversation to have with teens. Has anyone got any advice? Thank you x

LatteFlatte · 26/02/2024 22:59

God it's all so horrific. I agree with you, and it applies to most things. Mistakes aren't the end of the world, we'll get through it together.

Original poster

Koulibiak · 26/02/2024 23:06

Thank you 💐

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FusionChefGeoff · 26/02/2024 23:12

A Fb friend of mine has a great catch all for her kids whcih I've pinched:

I'm here for you. Anytime, anywhere, no matter what.

nocoolnamesleft · 26/02/2024 23:13

What a terrible, dreadful waste of a life. His poor family.

DuesToTheDirt · 26/02/2024 23:15

I'd also talk about the normalisation of nude photographs. It's not normal, and they shouldn't do it. Doesn't matter if it's for a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, they shouldn't share nude photos with anyone. Once the photo is taken they can't control what happens to it.

Stopsnowing · 26/02/2024 23:25

Mmm. The trouble is teens don’t listen to advice. They think they can handle situations. I was once sent a phishing email threatening to share images and it frightened me even though I hadn’t shared any such images so god knows how awful that will have been for that poor boy.

Original poster

Koulibiak · 27/02/2024 00:16

FusionChefGeoff · 26/02/2024 23:12

A Fb friend of mine has a great catch all for her kids whcih I've pinched:

I'm here for you. Anytime, anywhere, no matter what.

Thank you, I like that and may pinch it too.

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Original poster

Koulibiak · 27/02/2024 00:17

DuesToTheDirt · 26/02/2024 23:15

I'd also talk about the normalisation of nude photographs. It's not normal, and they shouldn't do it. Doesn't matter if it's for a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, they shouldn't share nude photos with anyone. Once the photo is taken they can't control what happens to it.

They absolutely know that already. My concern is what happens if they do it anyway.

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Original poster

Koulibiak · 27/02/2024 00:19

Stopsnowing · 26/02/2024 23:25

Mmm. The trouble is teens don’t listen to advice. They think they can handle situations. I was once sent a phishing email threatening to share images and it frightened me even though I hadn’t shared any such images so god knows how awful that will have been for that poor boy.

I’ve had exactly the same! And also felt scared even though I’ve never sent a selfie in my life. I feel so sorry for this wonderful boy. What a cruel thing to do.

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Hoglet70 · 27/02/2024 08:30

This is such a heartbreaking story. I have tried to tell my DS that he can tell us anything and we are always here but you never know how someone will react.

User19798 · 27/02/2024 08:35

You teach your DC from birth that secrets are dangerous, that if anyone ever tells them something is to be kept secret, the best thing to do is tell us, and we will help without judgement and support them.

LondonLovie · 27/02/2024 08:39

There is such a strong movement now about giving kids a smart phone/ devise free childhood. It's time.

There are local WhatsApp groups dedicated to this now. It's easy to dismiss it as an individual, or feel isolated, but less so when part of a movement. I just don't think we can ignore the facts, that social media, smart phones and online access is harming us and our children. Depending on a child's age, it's just not enough to talk to them, have school sessions on it, young children need a break from the whole thing

smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

Original poster

Koulibiak · 28/02/2024 00:18

@LondonLovie this is fine for younger children, but I don’t know of any teenager that doesn’t have a phone.

I had the chat tonight with DCs, I think it made an impression because they know boys at the school and they had a slight “this could be me” moment. I think it went well and I hope the message has passed - that we will be there for them if they make this sort of mistake, that we will support without judgment, that blackmail is a crime and that anyone sending nudes of a child is a criminal. Needless to say it was like torture for DCs but I think they got the point.

RIP Dinal 💙

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LondonLovie · 28/02/2024 08:29

That's the problem! Everyone is acting like sheep. The whole point is when did it become normalised for 11, 13, 16 year old children to have mass exposure to blackmail, violent pornography, online bullying. We need to wake up, seriously. Open our eyes. It actually doesn't have to be normal or usual.

Lamelie · 28/02/2024 08:34

Hoglet70 · 27/02/2024 08:30

This is such a heartbreaking story. I have tried to tell my DS that he can tell us anything and we are always here but you never know how someone will react.

I explicitly told my then teenagers that they’re unblackmailable. That anything is recoverable from. Even more so now with AI.
Heartbreaking.

Time2Run · 28/02/2024 13:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

DuesToTheDirt · 28/02/2024 21:39

LondonLovie · 28/02/2024 08:29

That's the problem! Everyone is acting like sheep. The whole point is when did it become normalised for 11, 13, 16 year old children to have mass exposure to blackmail, violent pornography, online bullying. We need to wake up, seriously. Open our eyes. It actually doesn't have to be normal or usual.

I'd go further and say no one, not just teenagers, should have access to this stuff. I've no idea how you could make that happen, though.

CaptainMorgansMistress · 28/02/2024 21:45

I think it’s really important to talk overtly about suicide with teenagers (and adults too!) they need to know that suicidal feelings are nearly always temporary - that even though they feel like they’ll always feel like that, they won’t and actually feeling actively suicidal is a very short term feeling.
So it’s often about keeping them safe during that short term stage and I think that’s easier if they know rationally (if not emotionally) that it’s temporary. And that asking for help is the only thing they need to do, that someone else will then do the rest.

Dacadactyl · 28/02/2024 21:51

I'd just show them the article and say "the poor lad, such a shame he didn't go to his parents about what was happening. If you ever do something daft like that, you can come to me and we will sort it out. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that"

GuitarStingofE · 28/02/2024 21:53

Sadly we have experienced something of this nature as a family. At one point I was out shopping and Ds rang me in a panic as they were on a group Discord chat where one kid told another to do everyone a favour and top himself. Luckily everyone on the chat came down hard on that person saying totally unacceptable but the other kid disappeared off the chat and Ds and others were worried for his mental health. I had his Mum's phone number which they all knew and they begged Ds to ring me which he did. I then had to ring his Mum to tell her to check on him and that everyone was being really supportive if he went back on the chat and looked.

Ds also had an incident as an 18 year old and rang us to say he had fucked up and was being pressured, we are a move forward and deal with it rather than admonish his actions that led to this stupidity but we were able to advise him to go to the police, he was away at uni. It also allowed us to state to both children that we will sort it out, whatever mess they get into they can turn to us, no judgement, just resolve it. We were even googling solicitors.

We were pleased he could turn to us but it is awful as a parent.

Original poster

Koulibiak · 29/02/2024 00:20

Lamelie · 28/02/2024 08:34

I explicitly told my then teenagers that they’re unblackmailable. That anything is recoverable from. Even more so now with AI.
Heartbreaking.

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That’s a very strong point, thank you. I like that.

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Original poster

Koulibiak · 29/02/2024 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

I completely agree. It’s an awful tragedy.

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Original poster

Koulibiak · 29/02/2024 00:25

CaptainMorgansMistress · 28/02/2024 21:45

I think it’s really important to talk overtly about suicide with teenagers (and adults too!) they need to know that suicidal feelings are nearly always temporary - that even though they feel like they’ll always feel like that, they won’t and actually feeling actively suicidal is a very short term feeling.
So it’s often about keeping them safe during that short term stage and I think that’s easier if they know rationally (if not emotionally) that it’s temporary. And that asking for help is the only thing they need to do, that someone else will then do the rest.

Thank you, I agree with you and have already had this talk with DCs. I lost a friend to suicide so this is quite close to my heart (as with a lot of people I’m sure).

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Original poster

Koulibiak · 29/02/2024 00:27

GuitarStingofE · 28/02/2024 21:53

Sadly we have experienced something of this nature as a family. At one point I was out shopping and Ds rang me in a panic as they were on a group Discord chat where one kid told another to do everyone a favour and top himself. Luckily everyone on the chat came down hard on that person saying totally unacceptable but the other kid disappeared off the chat and Ds and others were worried for his mental health. I had his Mum's phone number which they all knew and they begged Ds to ring me which he did. I then had to ring his Mum to tell her to check on him and that everyone was being really supportive if he went back on the chat and looked.

Ds also had an incident as an 18 year old and rang us to say he had fucked up and was being pressured, we are a move forward and deal with it rather than admonish his actions that led to this stupidity but we were able to advise him to go to the police, he was away at uni. It also allowed us to state to both children that we will sort it out, whatever mess they get into they can turn to us, no judgement, just resolve it. We were even googling solicitors.

We were pleased he could turn to us but it is awful as a parent.

Thank you for sharing this, I’m sorry this happened but how lovely that your DC knew to turn to you in a time of need. 💐

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Meadowfinch · 29/02/2024 00:36

My ds knows my policy on this one.

That as his mum I love him without question, and I've seen all his bits from every angle anyway so a nude photo or two wouldn't phase me in the slightest.

That the response should always be to go straight to the police who will handle things discreetly, and the school if he wishes. That the perpetrator would be prosecuted for child porn and blackmail, and go to prison.

That we would deal with any fallout as he wanted at the time. That we would not involve his df unless he chose to.