What shall my surname be when I get married?

[NameChangeHereandThere]

I currently still have exH's surname, same as the kids. I am due to get married in the summer but the kids don't want me to change. STBDH doesn't really mind and has offered to change his name to match mine and the kids but I think his parents would be funny about it as he is an only child. We do a lot of travelling though, so want to match the kids so I don't get any issues with passports etc.

So,

Do I stay Ms Jones and match the kids but not STBH?
Or Ms Jones-Smith and match both?
Or Ms Smith and but match the kids at all?

Would you think it was weird if I went Jones-Smith when I'm not married to Jones anymore? I'm a teacher too so I will hear whatever I choose approx a million times a day, so I need to be happy with it.

I'm so confused 😂

I was asked by the border guard entering Canada, dd was 17! They are super hot on it

It is not his name, it is op‘s name.

I have different names to the kids and different passports! Never had any issues.

I’d change it to my new DH’s name. I’d find it so bizarre to still use my ex’s name while married to someone else. But that’s just my personal opinion on it and I know a lot of other ladies don’t see it that way.

I travelled through a major UK airport last week. This was on large posters around the airport:

Exactly. People can decide it's not important but of course it's one of a few factors.

I think either keep your current name, or double barrel.
which do you prefer the sound of?

Do you like your 'maiden' name? Could you all go back to that? Or make something up? Kids would need to be involved in the decision too I think.

I’d take up your fiancé on his offer to take your name.

I’ve never been stopped in 20 years of travelling solo with my kids having a different name.

two of my friends have been stopped in the last year, even with the same surname as their kids.

one of them very nearly missed her flight because she didn’t have a letter of consent from her husband/kids dad.

they don’t only stop those with different names, and they don’t stop because you have a different name.

just because you got stopped once doesn’t mean those with different names only/always get stopped.

so I wouldn’t factor that into it at all.

I would say you and your DH to be both go Jones Smith

She probably can't change the DCs name without their father's consent so it may not be an option.

As you have been perfectly happy with your name, and your DC would like you to still have the same name, I can't think of a reason to change it. if it's that important to you and your newDH to have the same name, then take him up n the offer of him changing his - after all, women have been doing it for centuries, it shouldn't be that big a deal that he does it now.

That is such a helpful comment. Thank you.

the bigger deal here is you’re asking him to change his name to his wife’s ex husband’s name.

not sure I’d do that. Easier to just all keep your names. Especially as the paperwork for a name change is a nightmare!

Good point. Up until 16, both parents need to sign.

Thanks all. I think Im going to go with Jones-Smith and the kids stay as Jones. Fiancé doesn't care but will probably go Jones-Smith too

I would have him take your name. Easier all round. I wouldn't do double barrelled as it looks a bit broken family nowadays.

Broken family! Harsh 🤣

When we married nearly 30 years ago my husband took my surname. I remember my sister in law making a comment about it at church but my husband’s mother wasn’t bothered. It was very unusual the time but not so much now.

DS has 28 children in his class (final year of primary). 19 of those use both parents’ surnames. I don’t know the marital circumstances of everyone, obviously, but of the eight kids in his immediate friendship group, the parents of seven are married and living together with their children. I’d be surprised if all of the other 11 were the offspring of parents who were no longer together.

I think it’s primarily because women are not using their husbands’ names, so the children get both.

@kitsuneghost Please stop using the term "broken home" as I'm sure you can appreciate why families with separated/divorced parents (myself included) find this offensive. My home was far more "broken" when I was living with, and and married to, a coercive controller. Now my home is warm and happy and I am proud to say I stood up and left.
Also, my husband, myself and my daughter are all db'd, and I'm very happily married. We both took each other's names upon marriage as don't agree with misogyny.

Shut up please

I would never ever have kept exh surname. I used my maiden name after separation before I even got my divorce. Then after several years I remarried after and took new husband's surname. Throughout my name being different to DC it didn't matter I took their birth certificates on holiday as well as their passports to prove I was their mother.

I would never have changed my surname in the first place! Added on to maybe, but not changed. My husband, daughter and myself are all db'd.