Really don't know what to do about this male friend

[Purplefrock]

He seems a good and decent man, always been straight with me, reliable, kind etc.

Except, he says he wants to be single, loves me as a friend, thinks we'll be friends for life (that's weird in itself?) and then behaves like we're a couple in everything except sexually.

He texts me nearly everyday, if we're out with friends he takes opportunities to point out how close we are "ooh look at us, like an old married couple", he seems to genuinely care about what's going on in my life and respect my advice about what's going on in his, twlls me quite intimate detials about his life, childhood etc.

He's very careful not to touch me, even when a touch might be appropriate with friends, eg we were chatting about our adult DC, one of mine is having a tough time and I was a bit tearful, any of my other friends would have squeezed my hand or shoulder, but maybe he's just not a tactile person

Anyway, I don't know if the don't want a relationship thing is exactly that. He's not long out of a relationship, or whether he just means with me.

Either way it's doing my head in and I'm way too invested. But I do like him a lot....

Is he being genuine, maybe struggling the same way I am as to what'appropriate what he wants, or messing me about waiting for a better opportunity?

I probably need to step away, but he is proving to be a very good friend, if nothing else. You don't find a proper connection with someone everyday.

Could he be gay? My friend had a very similar (eerily similar, in fact) make friend, and he turned out to be gay.

I know you say he is behaving like you’re a couple but the examples you have given (texting often, telling you parts of his life and childhood) sound to me like normal friend things to do. I think if he’s told you he just wants to be friends and he’s not flirting with you and there’s nothing sexual then he probably does just want to be friends. I’m sorry if you’re wanting more to happen with him but he sounds like a great friend that you would be lucky to have around 😊

Interesting. He has told me that women have told him before they wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. "Haha I'm just in touch with my feminine side", which he is. I have other male friends I feel that way about, but I don't see it in him.

He's gay.

This. Had almost the exact scenario myself. He is now with a man.

I was going to say gay too.

thinks we'll be friends for life (that's weird in itself?)

Perhaps herein lies the answer... he doesn't want to jeopardise the friendship.

Was thinking gay (or less likely, asexual) too. Has he had girlfriends in the time you've known him?

He's gay.

He's fairly recently out of a long marriage, drifted apart is the story, has lots of female friends. Isn't a blokes bloke, doesn't like football etc but male friends too. I don't know, I'd be surprised.

He's told me how sex (with women I think!) was very important to him when he was younger, but not so much now.

I was just about to ask same question

He sends me photos of himself quite often too, either old ones fishing for compliments becuase he's lost a lot of weight or current ones of what he's up to that day.

He's lovely, but there's something off. Life might be easier for me if I assume he is gay, but I really don't think it's that. He seems to like/respect women a lot more than the gay men I know do.

has lots of female friends. Isn't a blokes bloke, doesn't like football etc but male friends too. I don't know, I'd be surprised

middle-aged men I’ve known who fit this description were not gay, they had a thing for getting closer & closer to women, comments in line with ‘look at us’ etc then being ‘shocked’ at a move by said women

see also women who do this

it’s a little power play imo of ‘aren’t I irresistible, everyone wants me, but I just want to be friends’ <dailymail sadface>

the above of course is perfect to relay to new targets because it immediately sets the person as desirable, their last mark as desperate, and elicits sympathy and an intimacy of shared troubles with the new mark

Perhaps time to start brushing off the ‘look at us, old married couple’ comments with ‘old friendly divorced’ or ‘Bert & Ernie’

That’ll move it out of ‘partner relationship’ to ‘friendly relationship’

If that their goal too, happy days, but if it is a power play thing they’ll likely up the ‘partner’ behaviours to snare you back in

Frankly I could not be arsed having a ‘friend’ I had to second guess motives for, no matter what conversational skills they had

If I want to practice mind-reading a hot and cold attention queen I have a cat for that.

He wants the emotional support a wife gives him, without having to give anything back.

I agree that's probably what he's looking for (possibly subconsciously), he got some medical results yesterday and I was the first one he told, but he does the same for me, so I'm not sure he gives nothing back.

If he likes women and you get on like a house on fire, the only reason he’d have for not hitting on you would be that he doesn’t fancy you physically.

I had a similar friendship years ago. Great guy, loads of stuff in common, we hung out together and texted, talked about our lives and everything, we were very close and I liked him a lot. But I just didn’t fancy him, he was not a good looking guy. Unknown to me, he had a crush on me. So basically OP’s situation but in reverse.

He made the same accusations OP has made against her friend. That I was messing him about, stringing him along, when clearly we were just close friends and he was reading too much into it. In the end he stomped off because I wouldn’t be his girlfriend and I never saw him again. Which made me feel like he was never my real friend, he was just hanging around hoping to date me, and when he realised that would never happen he ditched me.

Have you tried touching him? At an appropriate time a tap on the shoulder, 'look at that' sort of thing, see how he reacts. He may like you but is scared he will frighten you off and lose the friendship if it becomes more physical, positively avoiding touching you seems like he doesn't dare because of where it might lead. Of course maybe he does just like you as a friend.

It sounds like you like him too much. Could you take a step back and just enjoy his company?

I'm pretty much asexual nowadays which friends from long ago don't believe as I used to be such a little pussycat.

He may have switched off a bit. Make sure you're not at any emotional risk by feeling too attached to him.

This is a terrible drip feed but just after he split from his wife, we did have a drunken snog. Whether that proves he fancied me or that anyone would do in that moment, I don't know. He's been very nice about bit since, but says he's not going tonrush into another relationship, want time for himself, which is sensible. It just doesn't really tally with how he's behaving!

I suspect he could be on the spectrum, I do touch him sometimes, he doesn't recoil, but he doesn't reciprocate, although he will give me a hug in celebration of good news.

I avoid touching people so as not to give them the wrong idea. Not because I “don’t dare because of where it might lead”. The exact opposite - I want to be very clear that it’s NOT leading there. Especially now OP has said they had a drunken snog - he’s probably avoiding any touching at all because he wants to be very clear that’s not on the cards.

Gay or not, he's just not that into you as they used to say. What happened to friendship? Sex is not compulsory.

Honestly, OP, surely the simplest explanation is likely to be the true one — he likes you but isn’t attracted to you, and after the impulse drunken snog, he’s being very clear about not wanting a relationship? I don’t think that from what you say it needs to be anything more, like him being gay or ND.

With any friendship balance / reciprocity is important IMO. If you’re interested in more and it’s not reciprocated and you’re giving more than you’re OK with or is reciprocated suggest significantly reducing your input to the relationship with him.

I agree completely, but this man is investing a lot in a friendship. He's in touch numerous times everyday. I do reply to him, but I rarely make the first contact.