Advice on how to deal with this TW: accusations of child sexual abuse

[NameChangeCliche]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I don’t know where to even begin with this and I apologise for the length in advance.

I’m looking for some advice on how we deal with my granny going forward. She’s 96 and lives in a nursing home because she couldn’t cope taking care of herself any more, but health wise she’s in very good nick for a woman of 96 and not expected to die imminently (or more imminently than any other 96 year old). Her mental health has always been an issue; she was diagnosed with bipolar in her 40s and had problems with barbiturates and other drugs before this. She also has a more recent diagnosis of BPD. She’s not schizophrenic but was suspected of being for some years.

My grandfather died 20 years ago, when I was around 25 and my mum (his daughter) was around 50. My mum has two siblings, an older brother and younger sister. She is married to my dad and they’ve had a long and happy marriage which produced me (middle child) and my older and younger sisters. I’m married and have two teenage daughters.

My granny is very sexually “open” is the only way I can put it. Her and my grandfather were nudists for a while in the 70s and 80s and did lots of nudist holidays and stuff. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s relevant. Even now in her 90s she talks about sex more than is normal in polite conversation and often brings things round to sex. It’s a bit of a family joke that she can make anything you start talking about somehow about sex.

When I was about 10 in the mid eighties my grandparents split up for a while. They ended up getting back together and a big part of their getting back together was that they had a lot of very intense therapy, including sex therapy. They were very open about this with their adult children (I didn’t find out about this til later, obviously). They had a quite dysfunctional sexual relationship, largely because of my granny’s until then undiagnosed vulvodynia).

My granny had a poor relationship with her own father who was very domineering and had a bad temper, but no history of sexual abuse or anything (this is relevant. Also we believe this is true as much as we can believe anything as my mum has outright asked my granny if she was sexually abused at the time of hers and my grandfathers sex therapy/vulvodynia diagnosis. She said she wasn’t and never experienced any sexual abuse or sexual violence).

My mum and her brother have been clearing the house that my granny and grandad lived in to sell it to fund my granny’s care as her savings have run out. In the house they have found literally scores of diaries and notebooks where my granny has been collecting “evidence” of supposed sexual abuse within the family. This includes times and dates of things she’s “observed” that “prove” various men in the family have been sexually abusing the children, some girls and some boys. It starts in the mid 1950s with “evidence” of my grandad sexually abusing my mum and aunt, all innocent things like tickling, having baths with the kids. But under the “evidence” she writes, in very graphic language, what she thinks the men’s intentions behind these innocent things are. These diaries start again in the 70s when me and my siblings were born and follow the same pattern of innocent things being listed as evidence of sexual abuse, this time by both my grandfather and my dad (her son in law) and then graphic language underneath saying what she feels the men’s sexual intentions are towards the kids. There are similar lists and times and dates with the explicit stuff underneath involving my cousins and their dads. She then starts these diaries up again in the 00s with my kids, my sisters kids and their dads.

None of these men were or are sexually abusive; none of us were sexually abused. It’s all in her head. It’s some of the sickest stuff I’ve ever read in my life and it’s freaked us all out hugely. It’s also made us all angry because if she thought all of this was true enough to write it all down, why did she never do anything to protect these kids that she thought were in such danger?

As well as this there’s some other stuff where she writes about erotic fantasies and dreams she has had, involving friends, workmates and acquaintances, but also her sons in law and brothers in law.

My mum and uncle never want to speak to her again, in fact none of us do really. We are all horrified and freaked out. But we have no idea what to do- she’s a frail old lady in a care home who can’t just be abandoned, can she? Who do we turn to for help with any of this? I think that my mum and uncle (at least) need to talk to a professional going forward about how they deal with both what they’ve read and how to deal with my granny going forward.

Has anyone got any advice? We are all flailing and hugely upset and disgusted by what we’ve found.

It's a shame that everyone read all of it- it would have been better, if on discovering the first page, you then asked her what to do with it, unless she lacks capacity. It is massively intrusive to read it all and note down what she wrote.

It sounds like she was and is mentally ill, and also obsessive.

The fantasy stuff should have remained private.

I agree your mum and uncle probably need to seek help as in therapy.

She's 96, she isn't going to live so much longer, I think it's for each person to decide if they can see this as part of her illness or just wish to go no contact, which they would have every right to do.

Wow, how awful! Clearly not meant to be read but horrifying all the same. I would be tempted to burn the books and limit contact to a minimum moving forward. I don’t blame those accused for wanting nothing to do with her, mental issues or not.

In order to move forward, I think you need to view these writings through the lens of a seriously mentally unwell person.

I would just bin/burn them and try to forgive her personally.

Why did you read a living person's private diaries?

And this is why it's taboo to read people's diaries.

Thanks to everyone who's replied- I'll try and address some individual things below.

I think this is likely what we will do, as well as at least my mum and uncle getting some therapy to help them navigate it.

It looked innocuous and I think once they started they believed they'd find stuff that explained it, if you know what I mean. They were waiting for the explanation, eg that she herself had been abused.

At your own admittance she has mh issues.... If you are certain it isn't true burn the books and forget about them.

That's no excuse. You brought this on yourselves and have no right to punish her for your transgressions.

Not to drip feed and sorry if this counts as such, but my granny is a tricky character who's had fallings out with people left right and centre throughout her life and has form for playing members of the family off against one another and being very verbally abusive herself. She's gone through long periods of having feuds with people and not talking to loads of people including her siblings and friends.

She admitted a few years ago when she went into care that she had written mean things about some people in the family and asked my uncle to destroy a series of diaries, which he did without reading. So therefore they weren't expecting to find this stuff. It was amongst a load of old paperwork about a new boiler that was fitted about a decade ago and I think my mum and uncle feel that this was purposefully left for them to find. My granny has no signs of dementia or forgetfulness or anything, she's sharp as a tack and knew where everything was in that house, in fact she was talking them through various paperwork and what to shred etc. So it feels a bit like a hurtful trap.

Writing down these intrusive thoughts she was having was probably a way of her coping. It seems like it was a very effective one.

The thoughts are not her fault. She never acted on any of them which clearly took some great self-disciple. I’d burn the books and stop judging on her

@freezefade would you really not have looked?

I agree with a previous poster that it was a massive intrusion to continue to read this once realised it was someone’s private diary. I think the diary needs to be disposed of and forgotten about. As hard as that might be, your granny sounds like she’s mentally unwell and to abandon her now as her children read her very personal diary is wrong. Limit contact maybe but she’s a frail elderly lady who didn’t write those thing down (as shocking as they are, and they are) for them to be read by her family. I feel very strongly about intrusion of people’s personal thoughts in this way.

Also we believe this is true as much as we can believe anything as my mum has outright asked my granny if she was sexually abused at the time of hers and my grandfathers sex therapy/vulvodynia diagnosis. She said she wasn’t and never experienced any sexual abuse or sexual violence).

That coupled with the diagnosis of bpd would make me think she was probably lying/in denial. I was doing safeguarding training recently and it occurred to me half way through how much I struggle to admit to being abused as a child. On an academic level, I know my childhood ticks multiple boxes, emotional, sexual etc but actually saying it is so hard. I can't imagine ever telling my children about it. I haven't told my husband half of it or the various psychiatrists and psychologists I've ended up in front of.

Your dripfeed would fit in with her diagnosis of bpd...the causes of which could be genetic but could easily be childhood trauma based instead.

She's old, dying, obviously damaged by something and perhaps reframing it through that lens rather than making it about people who clearly have a lot less issues would help?

Frankly it sounds like she is one of those (I have met others) who like to write down their sexual fantasies.

Burn the lot and never mention it is my advice. If there was any truth in any of it, don't you suppose you would have had some inkling of it by now?

Also, it's no excuse to say they started reading and then read on to see if she was abused! That was her private information, and she said to your mum she wasn't abused and you don't have the right to then read on!

It may be she's in denial, mentally ill, put the information there to 'contain' it, was delusional (which she may have been if schizophrenia was on the table), all kinds of things.

She may have forgotten about these, she may have another way of seeing what she wrote, she probably didn't think you would all read all of them!

I have not written on this topic but I have written some stuff when feeling mentally very unwell, I must remember to destroy it as it in no way reflects anything I've ever thought since.

She's an extremely elderly and mentally ill woman. She may well have been abused as a child, even though you are all dismissing that entirely. None of you would have any clue if that's the case or not, regardless of what she may or may not have chosen to tell you or remembered consciously.

You had no right to read her private diaries and it's shocking that you are now judging her private fears/intrusive thoughts so harshly that you are considering cutting her out and abandoning her in her final months or years.

I would suggest that you all get rid of the diaries, try your best to pretend that you haven't read the contents and continue to support her as you normally would.

Hypersexuality is a common symptoms of bipolar disorder and includes the person having intense fantasies that seem out of control.

So I think it is harsh to judge her on this if it is simply a very unfortunate part of her illness...

For all you know she could also have experienced sexual trauma as a child herself and this is why her writing are fixated on this type of scenario.

I really don't see the rational in cutting off a mentally ill woman in her mid 90s simply because of this. She is no threat to anyone...

Bipolar disorder is such a complex and tricky condition and it affects people behaviour in many, many ways.

You will never know what happened or did not happen in her childhood and I would just focus on where she is at today. It is likely she won't be around for very long and it would be a shame to have all her family cutting her off for a condition that is so hard to deal with and control.

Maybe they were written as it was a fear of hers while she was really suffering with her mental health. It’s not like she went to the police or anything. I’d treat it like a work of fiction and try and forget about it

I would hazard a guess that your Grandmother was sexually abused as a child and that she was observing innocent stuff through the eyes of a person who has been abused and was worried which was why she wrote it down. I have done some work with women who have been abused and that includes as children, I was also sexually abused as a child. It fits down to her MH issues as well. Something triggers serious MH issues usually. Her vulva issues could be linked to being abused as a child as can be being very sexually open or survivors of abuse can go the other way and be very scared of having sex.

She may have denied it op but I know for a fact my sister was sexually abused because I very unfortunately witnessed this and she has always vehemently denied it happened. I also have bipolar which developed later in life as I was squashing all that misery down. I have had extensive therapy and am in a very loving safe partnership now which has helped me hugely.

Your Grandmother has been haunted all her life by the sounds of it. Poor woman.

She has clearly been mentally unwell for a very long time. What you found was horrifying for you to read particularly because it referenced you and other family members. You know it to be untrue as regards yourself so I think you need to put it behind you and treat her as you would have done had you not found and read these diaries. It is not necessarily a subject matter you'd want to immerse yourself in but trying to learn and understand a bit more about her condition will help lessen the impact of what you read.

Tbh I think she was likely to have been sexually abused. The notes seem like intrusive thoughts, I think it may be a type of OCD. The fact that she never said anything means she probably knows he recorded observations weren’t reflective of reality. She may have just been working through her own shit there.

I would withold judgement here if she is otherwise a kind and loving person. People are complicated, you don’t know why she wrote it or what she actually believed about it. I understand for the people that those diaries accuse of sexual abuse will be extremely angry and devastated (who wouldn’t be) but these weren’t to be shared and I don’t think they actually have anything to do with their subjects.

Bottom line is your grans behaviour/attitude towards sex is a bit of an outlier as are these diaries. Theres clearly something thats gone a bit wrong there, it’s not “normal” and she’s not “normal”. I would try to have a bit of empathy about it. There’s something bugging her and it’s made sex a really big thing for her.

She admitted a few years ago when she went into care that she had written mean things about some people in the family and asked my uncle to destroy a series of diaries, which he did without reading. So therefore they weren't expecting to find this stuff.

Your uncle should have quickly realised "oops, mum must have wanted me to destroy these ones as well".

I agree with @freezefade on this, it is astonishing and deplorable that you all read the diaries, gossiped and speculated about them, and are now scheming to punish her in some way for them.

how to deal with my granny going forward.

How to deal with her? You treat her exactly as you did before, while desperately hoping you never reveal what a flagrant breach of her trust you all made.

They had a quite dysfunctional sexual relationship, largely because of my granny’s until then undiagnosed vulvodynia

I mean, wtf op, does your granny not deserve any privacy? How/why do you, her granddaughter know about her vulvodynia?

Just why? How can you all be so outrageously nosy...what a family.