Lovely man but his background is a bit unusual

[Lightnose]

I'm wondering if there are red flags I'm missing. He seems great, kind, reliable, funny, decent middle of the road job, generous within his means, not flash, but not shy at buying a drink iyswim. We have some shared interests and have been spending a bit of time together, not really dating exactly, but I think I might be falling for him.

Everything I know and see of him personally is lovely, we seem to share views (slightly bleeding heart lefty 🤣) on all the important issues, but can have a good debate without falling out when we don't agree, he does some charity work in the same sector to where I do my volunteering...all a bit too good to be true when you hear about his background.

His mother was a child when he was born, raised him with an alcoholic father and seems to have done a fantastic job, but he has a slightly younger brother who has never worked, in and out of prison and homeless when out. Theyre NC. He himself married very young, a woman who was married when they met and who is older than his mother. They split a while ago after a marriage of 20+ years, apparently because they want different things from life, although I'm well aware there could be another version of that story.

Anyway he seems thoroughly good and decent and all the other stuff happened to him, is not really about him, but would such a complex life raise concerns?

I don't know if he's had therapy. I suspect not, that the work he's doen on himself has been through his own endeavours.

Sounds nice enough. Just take it slow.

Of course not, but it does very much affect the kind of person you become.

I fail to see how his past is complex. He is not his brother, and people from the very best, most loving, most "normal" families possible can have siblings/relatives who have made really, really bad choices.

I don't see why his marriage is an issue at all.

I think people whose background isn't complex are the outliers. Outwardly my family looks normal but it's very much not.

He sounds good, enjoy that.

I wouldn't call this a complex background particularly. If you're older surely everyone comes with baggage at this point? I don't feel this is much more than a typical person might come with at your stage in life.

It would be a real shame to write someone off for not having a Disney childhood.

Some of the meanest people I know had a charmed upbringing and some of the kindest grew up in very much less than ideal circumstances.

Also - not everyone needs therapy, however complex or traumatic their past is. Some people are capable of making sense of their experiences in their own minds without needing professional support.

Very much agreed. Therapy isn't for everyone.

I agree. Some posters make it sound as if only through therapy could someone like him become a stable and reasonable person.
I’m sure the right therapy (and therapist) can be very helpful, but I also know people where therapy didn’t make any difference or even made things worse. It’s not a magic solution to everything.

People who can remain married for 20ish years are usually stable, I’m not seeing any major red flags from what I’m reading in your posts,
If you are worried just remain friends for another while and take it slow

I'm not seeing red flags. And I'm very suspicious of men. Maybe think about transactional analysis (if you want to really go deep) to have an awareness of roles you are playing in the relationship.