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Original poster

Memorial plaque where someone isn't buried??

39 replies

Firefly993 · 23/02/2024 16:53

My sister died 20 years ago. I now live in a different country as do my parents.
I obviously can't visit the cemetery often but I was thinking of buying a small plaque with her name on it and putting it on a family members grave near to where we now live. We are the only family, so no one to consult.
I haven't mentioned this to my parents and I'm just wondering is this a strange thing for me to suggest?
I think it would be nice to have somewhere to visit on birthdays, anniversaries etc.

OP posts:
ReadingLight · 23/02/2024 16:57

Well you do see memorials to people who are buried elsewhere. I think the only issue is for the people who own the grave plot, or any other living relatives, and you would need to seek permission from the parish/whoever owns or runs the cemetery, as there are probably restrictions on what can be added to an existing grave.

Are you saying that the only living relatives of the person interred in that grave are you and your parents?

pickledandpuzzled · 23/02/2024 17:01

Why would that be the place for it? I don’t understand why you need a plaque and why you need a place which isn’t where she is or special to her.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, I just don’t understand.

Graveyrds have rules and you aren’t allowed a plaque if someone’s remains aren’t actually there- though if the plaque wording was really clear you may get away with it.

Could you light a candle on her special days when you might have visited, instead? Or go to a place she’d have loved and think of her there?

It does seems little odd to me, sorry, and the graveyard bit makes it potentially difficult.

Im sorry for your loss.

pickledandpuzzled · 23/02/2024 17:01

A memorial bench or plaque somewhere else is more typical. We have memorial benches in our churchyard that are greatly appreciated.

Cotswoldbee · 23/02/2024 17:02

Unless there are some ashes at that spot, it seems a little odd to feel the need to visit what is just a name on a plaque.
I can understand a bench being placed in a favourite spot as then you can sit there and see a view that they loved looking at but just a plaque in a spot that they (presumably) have no connection with, can't see it myself.

Ginandjuice57884 · 23/02/2024 17:03

If you have a garden you could have your own plaque made and plant a tree/rose/whatever. I did this for a friend - oversized plant pot and a nice rose.

VivaLaResistance · 23/02/2024 17:03

I think in this situation I'd perhaps look at getting a memorial bench somewhere nice that I'd like to go to sit and think about her, take flowers or what not to on anniversaries or birthdays etc.

Cemeteries have countless rules and procedures that could make what you've suggested quite complicated.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 23/02/2024 17:04

Get a bench, I love seeing all the dedications, such a lovely way to remember someone.

Original poster
Firefly993 · 23/02/2024 17:10

OK I'm glad I asked now!
I just wanted somewhere to go for my mum really as she can't get to where she is buried.
We don't have any family members other than ourselves to consult but maybe it is a bit weird. It is a grandad and uncle so she did know them and have a connection but maybe it is a bit strange and a bench would be a better idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Firefly993 · 23/02/2024 17:21

@Ginandjuice57884 that's actually a nice idea

OP posts:
VivaLaResistance · 23/02/2024 17:22

OP it isn't strange if it feels right to you - you and your family's grief is personal and not something anyone can judge you for. It's just that the logistics of it would likely prove very difficult.

So sorry for your loss x

Namechangedasouting987 · 23/02/2024 17:24

The bench is a great idea. In England you would not be allowed a plaque in a church of England grave yard if the remains weren't there. That's my job (I administer for three churches) and we have to turn such requests down...

jenny1209 · 23/02/2024 17:25

Of course you can have a memorial plaque without someone’s remains being at a cemetery, this thread is full of misinformation.
My grandparents lived, died and their ashes were scattered a 3 hour drive from where I live. My mum and I bought a memorial plaque at a local council run cemetery and we lay flowers there on significant dates. We just have to renew it every ten years - it costs a few hundred pounds each time I can’t remember how much.

LizFromMotherland · 23/02/2024 17:27

Benches are popular but in my local park, there's a tree planting programme and you can apply to sponsor the planting of a tree and have a small plaque at the base of it.

They look really beautiful actually.

Original poster
Firefly993 · 23/02/2024 17:45

@jenny1209 this is exactly what I was thinking of doing but putting a small plaque or something with her name on and having somewhere to visit. I'm not in the UK and as long as it isn't a fixed plaque and can be removed there aren't any restrictions

OP posts:
Original poster
Firefly993 · 23/02/2024 17:46

@LizFromMotherland that sounds lovely. I'm not in the UK but I'll see if there a similar thing here

OP posts:
splothersdog · 23/02/2024 17:48

There are several graves in our local graveyard that reference other family member who died over seas and buried else where. Particularly sons killed in the war who bodies were never found or were buried where they were killed

pickledandpuzzled · 23/02/2024 17:48

jenny1209 · 23/02/2024 17:25

Of course you can have a memorial plaque without someone’s remains being at a cemetery, this thread is full of misinformation.
My grandparents lived, died and their ashes were scattered a 3 hour drive from where I live. My mum and I bought a memorial plaque at a local council run cemetery and we lay flowers there on significant dates. We just have to renew it every ten years - it costs a few hundred pounds each time I can’t remember how much.

Edited

Not really misinformation- the law regarding church graveyards is very strict. Perhaps council run cemeteries are different- but OP isn’t in the uk so would have to see what is allowed in the ones near her.

Mementomorissons · 23/02/2024 17:49

My grandma had a bench in her garden for her husband with a plaque on it. it also meant that when she eventually had to move home, the bench could come with her.

It's a nice idea

MrsAvocet · 23/02/2024 17:53

My great uncle is mentioned on his father's gravestone and he's buried in a military graveyard overseas. There was no hope of any of his family ever being able to visit his actual grave and they wanted somewhere local to remember him. It's in a municipal graveyard not a Churchyard - don't know if that makes any difference. I don't think it's particularly unusual to want a physical memorial. My parents ashes were scattered and, as they wished, there is no memorial but I sometimes wish I had a place to visit.

BonzoGates · 23/02/2024 17:58

pickledandpuzzled · 23/02/2024 17:01

Why would that be the place for it? I don’t understand why you need a plaque and why you need a place which isn’t where she is or special to her.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, I just don’t understand.

Graveyrds have rules and you aren’t allowed a plaque if someone’s remains aren’t actually there- though if the plaque wording was really clear you may get away with it.

Could you light a candle on her special days when you might have visited, instead? Or go to a place she’d have loved and think of her there?

It does seems little odd to me, sorry, and the graveyard bit makes it potentially difficult.

Im sorry for your loss.

My grandfather is remembered on the grave of the rest of his family. He's actually buried elsewhere in the cemetery. Other brothers are buried abroad. I think the wording was 'Interred elsewhere'.

I can see exactly why OP wants to do it and think it's a lovely idea.

helpfulperson · 23/02/2024 18:01

I think it depends who the grave is for. If it's her parent’s or sibling then I think it's fine to add a plaque. If it's some distant relatives you never met then less so. But a bench is a nice idea. If it was in your garden you could take it if you move.

SgtJuneAckland · 23/02/2024 18:10

We have a really beautiful nature reserve/park locally that has memorial benches and I live by the sea and there are quite a few there. I think that's nice, you see people sitting looking out to sea and it could be that it's a special place to the deceased or it could be that it's just a calm quiet spot where those left behind go to think about the person, talk to them if they wish etc

mambojambodothetango · 23/02/2024 18:17

We planted a tree for my Ps and have a plaque to them there. You need to get permission from whoever owns the land.

MsJuniper · 23/02/2024 18:22

Some cemeteries have rose gardens where you can have a plaque in memoriam. We have one for my grandmother.

pickledandpuzzled · 23/02/2024 18:23

Interesting how different the rules are around cemeteries and graveyards, then.