How would you manage this behaviour (3yo)?

[Treehouse853]

3.7 year old. Was asking for snacks and was told could not have a particular snack (unhealthy), offered alternatives. Child had a meltdown about it, grabbed an Alexa which was near to them and threw it on floor, and then pushed over a side table which had a pile of books on it.

Child has been unwell - not seriously but not feeling themself.

I'm interested to know how you'd handle this scenario, particularly if you believe you are fair, calm and authoritative (NOT old school authoritarian or too wishy washy either).

Stern telling off just after it happened

Then move on

I would have told the child "We don't throw things", said it was naughty. Then - moved the Alexa out of the child's reach, put the books on a shelf or bookcase.

Perhaps the kid was tired too?

If my son (3) behaves like that (especially after a prior warning) he is taken to his (boring) bedroom and left to cool down for three minutes in a time out sort of fashion. When the three minutes are up he (usually) says sorry and we talk about why what he did was naughty (throwing one of my glass coasters for example... 🙄).

Is the behaviour out of character. If so I would make them clear up the mess. See what the real problem is and work together to fix it.

If it was a continuation of other destructive behaviour I'd make them clean up the mess and look into behaviour management strategies.

I'd also look at my own behaviour, had I left it too long before offering a snack, giving medication etc or something else that precursored the outburst.

Remove them from the situation to stop them causing any more damage/injuring themself, and then stay with them until they calm down (while holding the boundary regarding the snack). They won't be able to take anything in while they are emotionally dysregulated like that. Once they are calm talk about the situation, including how they felt, how they behaved and why we don't throw things, and then try to come up with ideas of how they could better channel their emotions when they feel overwhelmed like that in the future. I would get them to help me tidy up the mess, and remove the Alexa from their reach until you can be confident they wont damage it again.

Anything that got thrown here or used for hitting went up on a tall cupboard until the next day as I couldn't trust her to act safely with it - usually it was her stuff though! Accompanied by some stern words. Seemed to be fair and reasonably effective as it didn't happen often. We'd also have a hug and a chat about why it happened a bit later when she was calm.

So he’s had a pretty big temper tantrum, thrown a fairly expensive a fragile object and then pushed over some furniture.
Because he didn’t get the snack he wanted.
I’d be livid.
A very firm and telling off, probably some time out. He’d have to clean up his mess and there would be no nice snacks for a while.
I don’t know what he’s normally like but that is quite extreme behaviour in my book and I’d be wanting it made very clear that I wasn’t accepting it.
School would potentially exclude a child such behaviour.

Stern “no, you mustn’t throw things”, and move to a safe space away from distractions until calm and insist on an apology. I’d also say “it makes me cross and sad when you throw things” as we’re working on emotions at the moment. Definitely no nice snack!

Long time since I had small DC but in our Nursery the child would be given ‘thinking time’, usually in a quiet space with the large timer (it’s 3 minutes but we use it so the child can see that time is passing and they won’t sit there for ever). If they are very angry or upset we do our dragon breathing techniques. Then we talk about it and try to find out why the incident happened and what the child or other children could do next time. If another child was hurt then the child says sorry.

@Smartiepants79 3 year olds don't go to school.

He will be going in September.
A preschool would not be massively impressed with this either.

@Smartiepants79 I wasn't looking for judgements about the behaviour. Just asking what others do.

Surprised many people still using timeouts as I thought authoritative parenting had debunked naughty step etc

Big difference between naughty step which is seen as a punishment and a time out ie time away from the situation to recover and reset emotions.

I would expect them to tidy it up and probably have to wait for a snack of my choosing. Id expect them to listen to me tell them why I am disappointed in their behaviour and be able to show that they are sorry if they have understood. If they refuse all of this then they miss out on something.

I'd remove them from the situation, but stay with them, until they had calmed down. Then we'd talk about what happened and why it wasn't ok. Then they'd need to go and put the table back, pick the books up and put Alexa back. Then we'd move on.

I'd then think about how I handled the lead up to this situation and whether it could have been handled differently to avoid the meltdown.

If the child’s unwell and this isn’t usual behaviour, I’d probably give them a cuddle and wait until they’re calm again before talking about why we don’t throw things.

A preschool will recognise that the child was probably at their limit and acted out of frustration.

The thrown item would be removed, the child would be made safe and then once they'd calmed down we'd talk about what had happened, how it wasn't ok behaviour and what we could do next time to make sure that didn't happen.

Which is what I'd do at home too. A small child who has lost their shit isn't receptive to following instructions. They're learning to regulate their emotions. They just need clear boundaries and a firm grasp on what is ok, and what isn't and a hug once they've chilled out a bit.

It depends how unwell and how disrupted their routine has been. But generally, remove the thrown thing until tomorrow, remove child from chaos/thing that caused tantrum, have a cuddle and some deep breaths and then when they're feeling better, talk about big feelings and that we don't throw and push things over. Boring but still popular snack instead of whatever they wanted (breadstick or similar).

I don't tend to punish - which is usually removal of things they like - until they've had a warning and done it again. Don't do time outs, do remind them that they know how to behave.

Behavior that's so extreme and out of character, I would remove both of us from the situation, maybe take child upstairs, wait till he's calmed down, go and get him a glass of milk to take the edge off any hunger, have a short chat and maybe a nap if it's a suitable time. It's a whole other scenario from just being a bit naughty, like snatching or something.