Is this “helping” or financial abuse?

[Yogatoga1]

I have an older friend who has had some health issues in the last years and is not so mobile.

her son is helping her out quite a bit, taking her shopping, to her medical appointments etc.

which seems lovely, until I asked her the other day about us going to get coffee sometime, and she replied she’s have to ask son.

I was a bit confused, but left it as I thought she may be worried about conflicting appt’s or something.

anyway turns out her son has her bank cards. He does all her banking, has put statements online, so she has no idea even what her income is. He takes her out and buys everything for her, but does tell her what she can and can’t buy and what she can “afford” and can’t. I had noticed a drop in her lifestyle, but again attributed it to getting older, pension not going as far etc.

she has no cash and no access to money unless he takes her to the bank or buys it for her. She wants a Gardener but can’t arrange it and he’s said she can’t afford it. He sorts all her paperwork and she just signs it when he asks.

i dunno. I’m just getting red flags. On one hand she seems to be going along with it as if it’s normal, on the other it’s completely taken away her independence.

if it is FA what do I do? Social services?

It's financial abuse. Speak to social services

It’s abuse unless she doesn’t have capacity to manage her affairs.

He is probably robbing her blind.

There are plenty of knowledgeable posters who will know the best way to help her, unfortunately I don’t.

This is absolutely text book financial abuse. She has a right to control and spend her own money.

Speak to these people for advice - https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/

Here you go OP - "An abuser may tell you what you can and can't spend your money on. They might ask to see receipts from the weekly food shop or give you an allowance. You might have to justify every single purchase. An abuser might take control of your things - from your phone to your car. Or they may have insisted that all assets, such as savings or the house, are put in their name. While demanding this from you, they might keep their own finances very secret."

I would take her out to coffee, via her bank so she can go in by herself (taking ID) s ee them and explain the situation, get new cards issued and statements sent.

How can people tell you over the internet whether this is financial abuse or not?

Perhaps she DOESN'T have the money she thinks she has? Perhaps she really can't afford a gardener? Perhaps she's willingly handed over the reins to her son, and is relieved to be free of all this. Perhaps she can't be trusted with her own money. If all she has to do is ask, why not? Perhaps if he doesn't look after her money for her, she'd have none left and he'd be left to pay for her care because he couldn't bear to see her waiting for local authority care?

From what you've put in your post, he could just as well be financially abusive as a doting, caring and loving son who is looking after his mother's physical and financial wellbeing, doesn't deny his mother anything and has taken the burden of thinking about money off her as well as buying her whatever she wants and taking her to/from medical appointments.

Don't jump to conclusions. Speak to her. Ask her what she thinks.

DH knows someone whose son did much the same. He has robbed her of every penny she has.

I think this is good advice. I'm assuming your friend is capable of dealing with her own finances?

Without POA her DS has no legal right to take her bank cards or restrict her access to her bank account. Get her on her own and find out Op. The fact he's put her bank statements online where she can't see them sounds dodgy

Well yes. This is why I dithered.

however I don’t think it’s right that she can’t nip to the shop on her own, or out for a coffee with a friend, as she has no means to pay.

she can’t get an Uber or book a taxi anywhere.

she literally only goes out when he comes to pick her up.

she used to have a carer that came in twice a week and did general tidying, made her tea, had a chat etc set up by social services. I know she paid for that so her income/savings must be above whatever SS cut off is. He’s cancelled that.

i am going to speak to her daughter. She lives a bit further away and is much younger so has school aged kids. I know she’s asked her mum to move in with her as they have space but she’s now so dependent on son for everything I think she’s scared to.

thanks everyone.