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Original poster

Mothers Day for recently bereaved husband

18 replies

BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 10:05

My husband lost his mum quite recently and unsurprisingly it's hit him hard. I was wondering how to approach Mother's Day this year.

We have kids of our own so we will probably do something nice together but I really want to just get him something or a gesture to acknowledge it's his first Mother's Day without her.

I've had a look on Etsy etc and there are some nice things but it's just not our style - quotes, poems and angel wings etc..

The only thing I can think is a nice photo of the two of them but it just seems a bit... basic.

There probably isn't anything as it will be shit either way but has anyone done something similar that was appreciated by the other person? Don't want to make the day even harder with the wrong thing!!

OP posts:
TeaGlouriousTea · 23/02/2024 10:08

Do you know if she had a favourite plant or flower? Maybe you could put some on her resting place together or he could go alone. Really that would need to be led by him.

I think a photo of them together would actually be really lovely and not at all basic.

user14929261 · 23/02/2024 10:09

Maybe see what he wants beforehand or ask a sibling if he has one? Something well-intentioned could be upsetting without you realising. I went for the head in the sand approach for Father's day as I found it easier. Other people might want to really recognise it.

billyt · 23/02/2024 10:33

It's bloody difficult to know what's best.

I lost my wife last month, and I know my girls are dreading Mother's day. They always wanted to make it really special for her. Even though my eldest girl has her own children they both thought the world of their mum.

I'm coming from the other side of the OP to know how to help them, sorry

@BillieMomJeans Can you gently ask him what he would like? Whether it's a memory or a visit to a special place. or if he'd rather not mark it at all?

Good luck.

JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 23/02/2024 10:36

I think that unfortunately this is one that is too variable based on the person. It might be that he will find helping your DC celebrate mothers day with you really difficult. It might be that he won't.

I think acknowledging the challenge is probably the best approach - gently raise it in the next few days and ask him if there's anything you can do to make it easier?

Incidentally, it might not even be an issue. Weirdly, I have never had any problems with mothers day after my mother's death. But her birthday? Hits me like a sledgehammer every year. My sister, on the other hand, finds mothers day hard and for my brother it's the day she died.

Original poster
BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 11:26

Thanks guys, and sorry to hear about your losses, as nice as birthdays / mothers / Father's Day are when you have the people there it's just so hard when they aren't.

I think I'll have go with the general consensus and test the water, it's too hard to just guess!

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 23/02/2024 11:42

Definitely ask him. I just wanted DH as close as possible all day so I could bawl in his arms whenever I needed to.

mindutopia · 23/02/2024 11:43

I would just ask him if he would like to do anything special for his mum on Mother's Day. I'm not sure that a 'gift' is a right thing - as it sort of becomes a memento of the grief rather than the person, in a way.

Me personally, I lost my dad (though many years ago now), but my mum (to estrangement/mental health issues) more recently, and I definitely would not in any way have wanted someone to make a big deal of it on Father's/Mother's Day. I think just someone acknowledging on the day that it can be tricky or asking how I was doing would have been nice. I think that's the thing about grief - in the immediate aftermath, people check in with you, but after so many weeks have gone by, people stop asking how you're doing or talking about the person. It would just be nice to have it acknowledged or to feel like someone else saw that it could be a tough day for me.

LightSwerve · 23/02/2024 11:44

Definitely ask him, but also it really is the thought that counts - just caring about him will matter the most, getting a gift seems unnecessary.

Heather37231 · 23/02/2024 11:49

Did he used to do anything for it with her? Was she really into it?

I’ve lost both my parents and, hard hearted as it sounds, I see it as quite a silver lining that I don’t have to bother thinking about choosing cards and gifts on that day because “tradition” demands it.

My husband and I also mutually agreed to ignore Valentine’s Day too.

You may be worrying about nothing. It’s days like her birthday or when something annual that she loved comes round and she’s not here for it (Wimbledon or Pancake Day or the new series of Strictly type thing) that you need to watch out for.

Original poster
BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 11:54

We would sometimes take her for lunch but yeah it wasn't like they made a huge deal out of it really so maybe I'm overthinking!

And yeah a gift might be OTT, I just didn't want him to think she was forgotten.

I'll definitely try and have a chat with him; we haven't got any plans so maybe we just leave it that way and see how he feels on the day.

It's a good point about other not so obvious "days", I need to keep an eye out for that..

OP posts:
Heather37231 · 23/02/2024 12:10

You sound quite sensitive so probably would not do this but one thing you definitely should avoid is involving your DH in any way with any Mothers’ Day logistics about your own mother- no “what shall I get her? Do you like this card? Should we take her out for lunch?”

I don’t mind helping my DH with his parents’ Christmas presents but I draw the line completely at getting involved in what he does with/for them for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I like, even love them both, but that would be a step too far. He knows this, to be fair, and doesn’t ask.

Original poster
BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 12:24

Oh gosh @Heather37231 can you imagine... great point but no I definitely won't be doing that. If anything I'm going the other way and not even saying if I'm texting my mum / have spoken to her on the phone which I know can't last but it's just so tricky....

OP posts:
tomago · 23/02/2024 12:25

Ask him. Don't just randomly surprise him. It isn't a joyous happy occasion for surprises for him

ohpumpkinseeds · 23/02/2024 12:47

Seeing as you don't know how your DH will feel until you get to that moment, why don't you do something for his Mum rather than him if you see what I mean? For example, I've ordered a wooden gift tag (normal label shaped not a cutesy heart as that's not my style!) with my mum's name stamped on. I'm going to attach it with a ribbon to a big bunch of tulips in a vase on my dining table for Mother's Day weekend. Just so my mum is part of it every year. You could do that and just quietly mention to your DH when the flowers are out on the table "I've done this for your Mum so that she can always be a part of our mother day celebrations"?

Or there are quite a lot of charities out there where you can buy a new mum a support care package thing, for example in war torn countries a package to support mum and baby in delivery etc. You could do one of those, and give to your DH and say we could do this every year so a new mum is supported in memory of your Mum?

Wizardo · 23/02/2024 12:49

Yes definitely ask. Also - if you have kids who need help to buy you a card or gift, maybe let him know it can be a free pass this year if he doesn’t feel he can organise something for you on your kids’ behalf.

When my parents died, I couldn’t walk into the aisle with birthday cards and Mothers/Fathers day cards, I would dissolve in tears. It was several years before I could buy the Mothers Day Card for my dh to give MIL.

I can’t remember what I did with my mum on her last Mother’s Day, the memory is lost (my mum died unexpectedly). If you can remember what your dh did, it might be nice to talk about it and help preserve that memory for him. I love talking about my mum, even if it makes me cry. I love knowing people haven’t forgotten she existed, and edited her out of their minds altogether.

Original poster
BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 13:03

The tag on the flowers is a lovely idea! Also yes free pass on the kids getting me stuff I hasn't even thought of... such a great point.

Lol obviously @tomago I know it's not a happy occasion that's kind of the point of the thread.

OP posts:
Heather37231 · 23/02/2024 13:30

When my parents died, I couldn’t walk into the aisle with birthday cards and Mothers/Fathers day cards, I would dissolve in tears. It was several years before I could buy the Mothers Day Card for my dh to give MIL.

@Wizardo sorry for your loss. Why would he ever expect you to buy the card for him?

Original poster
BillieMomJeans · 23/02/2024 13:38

Yes @Wizardo sorry for your losses - the unexpected death of your mum must have been awful for you x

OP posts:
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