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Original poster

Can't shake this horrible morbid thought...

20 replies

Cel77 · 22/02/2024 21:43

I'm 46 and seemingly in pretty good health ( but could lose a few pounds, have better nights sleep - if my kids let me, etc...).
For the last few months, my mind has been fixated on a very morbid thought. I fear the day I'll die and I'll have to leave my children behind. I'm especially afraid of leaving my son, who is autistic and needs a lot of reassurance and support to manage in his everyday life. He's only 8 now but I can't bear the thought of ever leaving him without his mum. It feels so awful that I've even thought he might not survive my death and go into a spiral of endless despair.
I'm not so worried about my daughter, who is younger (4) as I feel she'll have a support network that my son probably won't be able to have (due to his difficulties with social situations, I can't see how he'll manage a long term relationship but I might be wrong). Of course, I feel very sad she won't have her mum either but I feel she will cope better.

I still have my mum but our relationship is very complicated and I'm dreading losing her as there's so much to say to repair everything. It is beyond repair in fact and I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life living with regrets and needing her.

Death is too much on my mind. I'm terrified of it for the reasons above. I wished I had had my children 10 years earlier (I could have as I was with their dad already. We just felt not ready for a long time).

Anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Lumiodes · 22/02/2024 21:45

I’m a similar age. Starting to worry about my parents dying because they’re getting old. I think that’s what’s driving my fear of dying and leaving my own kids. I’ve realised once my parents die I’ll be at the top of the ladder and I’m next to be pushed off.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 22/02/2024 21:48

I got cancer a few years back, and had to face the fact I could potentially be leaving my kids (single mum, no family).

I got really down about it, but when I got better (albeit going through another scare currently) I just did what I could to try and put whatever I could in place, life insurance all sorted, sorted my will out, looked at who could take my kids, where to put the life insurance to best support them etc.

My dd is also autistic and I've taken the last few years to make her world a bit bigger so she has people other than me as well.

I'm not saying it's going to take all your fears away, but if you've done all you can and everything is in place then that's all you can realistically do.

StarDolphins · 22/02/2024 21:49

I’m 49 & feel the same sometimes, the thought of leaving my DD without her mummy is unthinkable. She has her dad but he can’t meet her emotional needs through life like I can & she only sees him but nice a week. I have no family at all. I have really lovely friends but they won’t be able to have her.

I think any one of us could die at any time so the best thing we can do is try & live our lives & stay reasonably healthy.

I think your fear of leaving your son vulnerable is highlighting it for you. Does his dad live with you? Or if not, does he see him?

WhereIsMyPhone · 22/02/2024 22:05

I have just recently been thinking the same. Lots of morbid, unbearable thoughts and what ifs. My eldest is 9 and autistic and goes into an anxious frenzy knowing I will be pottering about downstairs -and not by his side- every single bedtime. He panics whenever I’m not around. His attachment to me is extreme and I often think about how he would (or wouldn’t) cope without me. I often fear if he would end up dying because of it as he is so scared to communicate with others and is very much a solitary person 😞. His younger brother isn’t autistic and I often feel he will feel responsible for his big brother when I’m no longer here.

It is horrendous to think about it and makes me feel physically sick.. yet here I often am, worrying about him. About them both. And my god, don’t get me started on health anxiety too, whether it’s the kids, me, my partner etc.. I’m always on edge with catastrophic scenarios and illnesses. I’m scared to die, and scared others will die.

It is exhausting..sometimes it’s worse than other times, and I do have periods where I am not so focused on it. It is so hard, OP. I do relate to you and your feelings. Big hugs to you.. I have never felt understood regarding this so reading your post makes me feel less alone in this. 💕

Saladpops · 22/02/2024 22:09

Yes I feel like this. Often think horrible thoughts like what it would be like for my children being told I had died. And the pain they would carry for the rest of their lives. I kind of wonder how some people don't think like this! DH never has thoughts like that and thinks I'm weird/over-dramatic.

Original poster
Cel77 · 22/02/2024 22:13

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 22/02/2024 21:48

I got cancer a few years back, and had to face the fact I could potentially be leaving my kids (single mum, no family).

I got really down about it, but when I got better (albeit going through another scare currently) I just did what I could to try and put whatever I could in place, life insurance all sorted, sorted my will out, looked at who could take my kids, where to put the life insurance to best support them etc.

My dd is also autistic and I've taken the last few years to make her world a bit bigger so she has people other than me as well.

I'm not saying it's going to take all your fears away, but if you've done all you can and everything is in place then that's all you can realistically do.

I'm sorry to hear that you had cancer.
Having a child with additional needs is definitely an added worry for me.
We're trying as much as we can (well I do, my husband doesn't really take many initiatives in regards to this) to set him up for success at his level. We're trying different clubs and things, he has therapy, a tutor, we try playdates and other social activities.

I sort of know his little sister will look after him, which is a comfort, but at the same time I want her to live her life without the burden of looking after him.

I wished I had had one more child too so there would have been more than one sibling around to be there for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cel77 · 22/02/2024 22:20

WhereIsMyPhone · 22/02/2024 22:05

I have just recently been thinking the same. Lots of morbid, unbearable thoughts and what ifs. My eldest is 9 and autistic and goes into an anxious frenzy knowing I will be pottering about downstairs -and not by his side- every single bedtime. He panics whenever I’m not around. His attachment to me is extreme and I often think about how he would (or wouldn’t) cope without me. I often fear if he would end up dying because of it as he is so scared to communicate with others and is very much a solitary person 😞. His younger brother isn’t autistic and I often feel he will feel responsible for his big brother when I’m no longer here.

It is horrendous to think about it and makes me feel physically sick.. yet here I often am, worrying about him. About them both. And my god, don’t get me started on health anxiety too, whether it’s the kids, me, my partner etc.. I’m always on edge with catastrophic scenarios and illnesses. I’m scared to die, and scared others will die.

It is exhausting..sometimes it’s worse than other times, and I do have periods where I am not so focused on it. It is so hard, OP. I do relate to you and your feelings. Big hugs to you.. I have never felt understood regarding this so reading your post makes me feel less alone in this. 💕

It's such a relief to hear about how other people (mums mostly I suspect)can feel the same.

I'm currently sitting in my son's bedroom like every evening as his very high anxiety prevents him from falling asleep. Tonight, he was very hot (no idea why as it's cold in the house- only 17 degrees, and he's only wearing a pyjama top and underpants ).

He's worried about death too, says he doesn't want us to grow old, keep on asking questions around death and how old people can live to. He's even asked to watch a video about someone dying!

I hope we can manage to help him with his anxiety but I'm anxious too, trying really hard to handle it but I am super sensitive to his so we might feed each other's. I'm not sure. I don't need that guilt on top of everything else.

Thanks for your post. I also get the "this is ridiculous. That's why you can't sleep if you think like this. Stop thinking like that" from my partner. I don't dare talking about it with anyone else as it sounds so intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cel77 · 22/02/2024 22:22

Saladpops · 22/02/2024 22:09

Yes I feel like this. Often think horrible thoughts like what it would be like for my children being told I had died. And the pain they would carry for the rest of their lives. I kind of wonder how some people don't think like this! DH never has thoughts like that and thinks I'm weird/over-dramatic.

Yes, that's exactly how my husband reacts if I tell him. Men definitely don't seem as affected.

OP posts:
HellPMe · 22/02/2024 22:28

This is me. I have regular claustrophobic type panics about the thought of dying and leaving my DD who is only 5, an only child and I’m older than you are. The thought both of me slipping away from her and how she’d cope without me (her father is an abusive a-hole, 10 years older than me and I’ve no family in this country - so all in all, it would be a disaster for her).

No answers. Other than a focus on creating really lovely memories now - as tricky as that can be some days. I am mindful of enjoying IT ALL - although DD upset recently has made me worry again.

It doesn’t help when it feels like time is speeding by!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 22/02/2024 22:36

Don’t you just think that this is your sub conscious telling you to sort out everything in case of your death. So life insurance, a support network for your son, who looks after you kids in the event of them being orphaned, what happens to your son when he becomes an adult?

I am a widow and I always had thoughts that my husband would die way way before he even got ill. if I was on a long drive my mind would rush through scenarios of him dying, I’d be driving with tears coming down my face. Perhaps this was something prepping me for the inevitable. I’d already ran through my head how I’d deal with certain situations and always had remained financially independent as all to aware I could end up alone.

WhereIsMyPhone · 22/02/2024 22:40

Cel77 · 22/02/2024 22:20

It's such a relief to hear about how other people (mums mostly I suspect)can feel the same.

I'm currently sitting in my son's bedroom like every evening as his very high anxiety prevents him from falling asleep. Tonight, he was very hot (no idea why as it's cold in the house- only 17 degrees, and he's only wearing a pyjama top and underpants ).

He's worried about death too, says he doesn't want us to grow old, keep on asking questions around death and how old people can live to. He's even asked to watch a video about someone dying!

I hope we can manage to help him with his anxiety but I'm anxious too, trying really hard to handle it but I am super sensitive to his so we might feed each other's. I'm not sure. I don't need that guilt on top of everything else.

Thanks for your post. I also get the "this is ridiculous. That's why you can't sleep if you think like this. Stop thinking like that" from my partner. I don't dare talking about it with anyone else as it sounds so intense.

Show quote history

Your sweet boy sounds just like my son. Please, look into EFT tapping (emotional freedom technique) tapping .. It has been very very helpful for my son at bedtime with his anxiety… and it is something you could do for him ( whilst telling him it is going to help him feel better) he could do some nice deep breathing as he lays there while you tap his different pressure points offering lots of reassurance. This has been really successful for my son! I hadn’t heard of it at first but was desperate and it really worked for him.

Hope this link works https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping. Please do look into this 💕

you sound so much like me. 🤗 and i hope this offers you both some relief.

What Is EFT Tapping? 5-Step Technique for Anxiety Relief

EFT tapping is an acupressure technique used to relieve stress and anxiety. But does it actually work? Here’s what the research says.

https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping

Original poster
Cel77 · 22/02/2024 22:43

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 22/02/2024 22:36

Don’t you just think that this is your sub conscious telling you to sort out everything in case of your death. So life insurance, a support network for your son, who looks after you kids in the event of them being orphaned, what happens to your son when he becomes an adult?

I am a widow and I always had thoughts that my husband would die way way before he even got ill. if I was on a long drive my mind would rush through scenarios of him dying, I’d be driving with tears coming down my face. Perhaps this was something prepping me for the inevitable. I’d already ran through my head how I’d deal with certain situations and always had remained financially independent as all to aware I could end up alone.

I'm sort of overly prepared, which is a direct consequence of my worries. I've got life insurance and critical illness cover, a will, bank accounts for the kids, our son has an EHCP which will help him receive the education he needs until he's 25. I was thinking about opening a pension for him too.

That doesn't allievate my fears though.

OP posts:
WildBear · 22/02/2024 22:51

A friend of mine died at the end of last year very suddenly. They were in hospital for 3 weeks as they weren't feeling well and we're told there was nothing they could do (stage 4 cancer). They never made it home. They were 50 and had a 9 year old son.

A friend of a friend died this month, she was mid 30's and also had cancer. She's left behind a 6 year old boy.

All you can do is hope that death doesn't visit your door when our babies are still young and need us. My friend was a beautiful soul and I've heard the same spoken of my friends friend. Death doesn't discriminate. Just have to take life a day at a time and make the most of it.

Godifeelsolow · 22/02/2024 22:53

I feel very similar, I’m 46 too, my Dd is 6 in summer, I didn’t used to think like this until the last couple of years. I’m wondering if it’s peri related or just normal when you have children? I have to push the thought away, otherwise it completely takes over. I so wish I’d been able to have her earlier

RogueFemale · 22/02/2024 22:53

Cel77 · 22/02/2024 21:43

I'm 46 and seemingly in pretty good health ( but could lose a few pounds, have better nights sleep - if my kids let me, etc...).
For the last few months, my mind has been fixated on a very morbid thought. I fear the day I'll die and I'll have to leave my children behind. I'm especially afraid of leaving my son, who is autistic and needs a lot of reassurance and support to manage in his everyday life. He's only 8 now but I can't bear the thought of ever leaving him without his mum. It feels so awful that I've even thought he might not survive my death and go into a spiral of endless despair.
I'm not so worried about my daughter, who is younger (4) as I feel she'll have a support network that my son probably won't be able to have (due to his difficulties with social situations, I can't see how he'll manage a long term relationship but I might be wrong). Of course, I feel very sad she won't have her mum either but I feel she will cope better.

I still have my mum but our relationship is very complicated and I'm dreading losing her as there's so much to say to repair everything. It is beyond repair in fact and I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life living with regrets and needing her.

Death is too much on my mind. I'm terrified of it for the reasons above. I wished I had had my children 10 years earlier (I could have as I was with their dad already. We just felt not ready for a long time).

Anyone in a similar situation?

I'm older than you, and don't have children, but I do have a cat and he is my sorta baby. I worry a lot about dying and not being here to care for him. So I think I share some of your feelings. But, I think it has to be quite normal (at least for us more anxious people) to have these fears for our precious loved ones?

But I wouldn't be too worried about how you'll feel when your mother dies. It can be a great release when parents die (was for me).

pommepom · 22/02/2024 23:16

Since I turned 50 I've been overthinking every twinge. Not sure if it's menopausal anxiety, aches and pains from aging. I've also got NDD who is totally dependent and am terrified when I think of leaving her alone in the world with no voice.

Original poster
Cel77 · 23/02/2024 07:35

WhereIsMyPhone · 22/02/2024 22:40

Your sweet boy sounds just like my son. Please, look into EFT tapping (emotional freedom technique) tapping .. It has been very very helpful for my son at bedtime with his anxiety… and it is something you could do for him ( whilst telling him it is going to help him feel better) he could do some nice deep breathing as he lays there while you tap his different pressure points offering lots of reassurance. This has been really successful for my son! I hadn’t heard of it at first but was desperate and it really worked for him.

Hope this link works https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping. Please do look into this 💕

you sound so much like me. 🤗 and i hope this offers you both some relief.

Show quote history

I will definitely research EFT. We've tried acupuncture but only once. However, I'm aware of acupressure points. Thanks for the advice.
It's also so interesting to find out about people with the same mindset. It's not very nice to live with thoughts like this but I think being kind to ourselves is the best we can do for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cel77 · 23/02/2024 07:37

Godifeelsolow · 22/02/2024 22:53

I feel very similar, I’m 46 too, my Dd is 6 in summer, I didn’t used to think like this until the last couple of years. I’m wondering if it’s peri related or just normal when you have children? I have to push the thought away, otherwise it completely takes over. I so wish I’d been able to have her earlier

You're just like me it seems. Maybe the perimenopause is to blame in part as anxiety increases when hormones start crashing down and playing up even more than before.
I also agree with you that it's impossibly to enjoy life thinking like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cel77 · 23/02/2024 07:41

pommepom · 22/02/2024 23:16

Since I turned 50 I've been overthinking every twinge. Not sure if it's menopausal anxiety, aches and pains from aging. I've also got NDD who is totally dependent and am terrified when I think of leaving her alone in the world with no voice.

I worry about every little ache too. I don't sleep well because of my son's own issues with sleep, and my own ones! I worry about not sleeping, and everything else. It's endless.
It is terrifying to think about leaving your children who can't make themselves heard. Making a plan for supporting them is good but where do you start? Good luck to you.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 23/02/2024 07:49

Bear in mind that, as distressing as these thoughts are, they are not truths or omens or indicators of the future. They are ‘just’ thoughts - random ideas that flick across your mind that have no power. The human imagination is a wonderful thing but it can sometimes take you through a pretend future of doom and despair, in full technicolour, when all you’re actually doing is sitting at the kitchen table.

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