If you and your partner bickered after having a baby, what helped you get back on track?

[origamifriends]

DH and I have a wonderful 7 month DD. In some ways we've never been happier, and yet I'm also finding we're starting to bicker for the first time in 15 odd years. Anything I can do to nip things in the bud or is it just one of those things that will settle in time?

From my side I think it's primarily tiredness/not feeling myself. DD is EBF and I currently share a room with her to make night wakings easier. At the moment she might get a two hour stretch in at some point in the night and the rest is waking up crying unless she is held every 10-45 mins. She also needs close contact in the day or else she cries, so I'm just a bit frazzled. That probably rubs off onto DH in that I'm not the most fun to be around.

It will sound silly but what got to me tonight is DH going to bed without even saying goodnight. At 11pm he just turned off the TV and went upstairs, leaving me on the sofa with contact napping DD. No offer to help transfer her to her cot upstairs or at least occupy her so I could brush my teeth or get into pyjamas without her crying. Might not bother me so much but he knows I've felt grim all day - sore throat, chills, prickly skin, banging headache.

I bet all these frustrations are only too familiar for others. Tell me it gets better?!

I didn't bicker with dp (because I kept my anger inside and didn't talk for months) but I did still have all the feelings you do as it was me who did everything as well. I was pretty crabbit the first 19mo till ds slept through so on days like this just used to throw in a wee 'sorry, I've been crabby today I'm tired. Love you' and it'd mostly be met with an ok, occasionally a half arsed smile

It's lack of sleep (for you), negligence and thoughtfulness on his part, you're probably running on zero and how passive is it to just turn the tele off at the end of the night while you're still there - that sounds like he was looking for the argument

He needs to realise the privilege it is to be given every evening to himself without a baby attached to him 24/7 and without a broken sleep. How wonderful it must be to be able to have to worry about only yourself

I think it's time you sit him down and ask what his problem is because yeah, you might be a bit ratty just now but he has lots of benefits you don't so why is he being like this?

Wow, your seven month old is waking every two hours? Have they ever taken bottle so you can have a break? That is not sustainable, no wonder you are so crabby.

There is a sleep regression between 7-9months that is pretty brutal. Our eldest woke every hour - not for feeding but just as part of the regression. We ended up doing the pick up put down sleep training technique. But ultimately, it really was just a case of being acutely conscious that we weren't deliberately being ratty or thoughtless to each other - we were both just running on absolute zero. As soon as we cracked the sleep, things got much better. I also went back to work when DD was 10.5months and found this also helped as i felt less trapped / pressure of being the one at home all day.

He's an inconsiderate arsehole! Actually, that's not inconsiderate, that's intentionally being an arsehole. He needs to have some manners, respect and start doing his bit. Don't wait for him to offer either, demand that he steps up and does his job as a husband and father. Don't give him too much grace OP.

We split the nights for the first 3 months. He’s do the 8pm-midnight shift and then I’d do midnight-morning. So if baby woke up during our ‘shift’ we’d be the one waking up with him.

We sleep trained at 3 months because the sleep deprivation was affecting everyone. But we still took turns overnight and he’d also help during the day so I could shower or have a cuppa without someone touching me.

Honestly I don’t think your DH knows how good he has it. I never really understood couples sleeping separately and only having one parent manage the baby overnight. It’s a recipe for resentment to me.

Sleep is what makes all the difference.

Yes he was wrong and inconsiderate, but I 'm guessing he is tired too so not thinking straight (not an excuse just an explanation)

It will get better, but talking about it and discussing how to get through this together is the only way forward.

Sleep is the main solution.

Have you tried co-sleeping - that little sleep isn’t sustainable - 7 months!

Time, sleep and asking grandma to baby sit over night once in a while

My eldest sounds similar. It was tough for our relationship as we were tired but we tried to keep talking, we did have raised voices at times but that was when we were frustrated and is part of our characters as fiery people sometimes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I did all night waking😴 like you as she was EBF but my DH did support ie he would make me a drink, give me a break at weekends etc…we did sleep training at 9 months as I couldn’t cope with being woken every two hours anymore. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

try to talk to him about how you are feeling so resentment doesn’t build. It’s 10 years on now and we have a good (though not perfect!!) relationship which has normal ups and downs. Communication , respect, attentiveness and fair share of labour are really important. Maybe consider switching to mixed feeding so he can help more?? If you don’t want to, then he could/should take on other roles eg cook dinner, do more cleaning etc…try and work out what works for you as a couple. He might be feeling pushed out as my DH said he felt a bit like that.

All the best, op. Parenthood is amazing but can be so hard at times too… x

It doesn’t get better unless they (the men in these relationships) get better, and actually pull their weight. Mine didn’t get better until he looked after the dc when i was ill, got up at night with a baby, cooked and cleaned. How could you not just resent the hell out of them all day and all night all the time otherwise?

Thank you all, really appreciate it. Yes, it sounds like sleep is the game changer here. Last night was particularly bad - wake ups after I posted at 1am were 2, half 3, 4, half 5 and 5.45, and now been sleeping on me since then. Wondering if she's perhaps teething as she's absolutely screaming her head off at every wake-up. I have maybe had 1.5 to 2 hours of broken sleep.

To answer some questions - we've tried the main "gentle" sleep training methods (shush-pat, pick up put down, gradual retreat) but they just pissed DD off 😅 They rely on patting/stroking being able to soothe your baby but she just gets worked up as she doesn't understand why she isn't being picked up.

Tried co-sleeping.earlier this week as I could feel myself falling asleep holding her and thought it would be safer to do it making sure we're following the guidelines. She and I slept better, but I'm nervous as she was born a few weeks early and absolutely tiny, and the Lullaby Trust say that's a complete no for co-sleeping.

Some of you have mentioned shifts. If DH doesn't have an early start at work he often lets me sleep whilst for a couple of hours whilst he tries to put DD down or holds her. He is bad on a lack of sleep, though. That's not me making excuses for him; just an observation. He's always needed a lot more sleep than me.

I'm sensing we might just have to ride it out. And maybe I have to just try not to take anything to heart at this time (e.g. situations like last night) and tell myself it's temporary.

It will sound silly but what got to me tonight is DH going to bed without even saying goodnight. At 11pm he just turned off the TV and went upstairs, leaving me on the sofa with contact napping DD. No offer to help transfer her to her cot upstairs or at least occupy her so I could brush my teeth or get into pyjamas without her crying. Might not bother me so much but he knows I've felt grim all day - sore throat, chills, prickly skin, banging headache.

Not surprised you're fed up - he sounds like a selfish dick

We did shifts too. And never slept separately, I think it’s a recipe for disaster and feeling apart. You really need to change something. Are you going back to work? Is baby weaning?

We each got time to ourselves and sleep. Dh would have time to himself all day at work, so as soon as he came in the door and showered, baby went to him for the rest of the evening except for feeds. I would do something non-baby. So often it would just be cooking or cleaning, because that's all we have time for most days, but it would mean I didn't have a baby attached to me.

Yours is 7 months old now, but especially when younger, I'd just go to bed and sleep. Dh would be with baby, except for feeds, until midnight-1am if necessary, so I got a long stretch of sleep without having to do any settling. I'd literally hand them back after a feed until the next time. Or he'd get up with them in the morning, so I got an extra hour or two of sleep before he went to work.

And starting to get breaks, going for a run or a walk or a swim, while he had the baby. Even if it was just circling around in the pushchair for a bit.

We also started to have one night a week when we actually spent time together - dinner together without a baby, watching tv or a film, or talking. But since it meant staying up later and I was the one doing the night wakings, then he would get up in the morning and I'd get a lie in to make up the sleep, so no one missed out on sleep because of it.