Embarrassed that I am painfully lonely

[AllByMyself79]

So I’m in my mid 40s. No family in this country but have lived here 20 years. Single parent to young child. Living in a smallish town after years in London. I’m so unhappy here… think because of extreme loneliness. I work from home but not with any sort of team, so often the only adult interaction I have is very brief chat at the schoolgates.

Think people would see me as friendly and gregarious, but I’m not all that good at making the type of friends where you meet up and do things with. I feel I may be ND as this has been a lifelong thing really.

I do sometimes have a drink with a friend at weekends, but I’m mainly inside alone feeling low.

I have counselling as had a long, emotionally abusive relationship that with my child’s father. Unfortunately I still turn to him sometimes for support (bad idea which usually backfires) simply because I’m so painfully lost and lonely. I’m not depressed clinically, but environmentally/circumstantially, yes.

Hate when I come to the end of TV series like One Day as they offer such escape, that I feel worse afterwards as it highlights how alone I am.

Anyone else feel similar, have any ideas or can tell me it will somehow be a stage and will
pass?

Could you try some sort of organised activities? Art classes, silent book club, proper book club, WI, dance classes, going on meetup to find a group, joining a walking group? Salsa classes are especially social! If you want to have a bigger social group I do think you’ll have to put yourself out there more

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way though

That’s sounds really hard. I think once you recognise you’re lonely it’s also hard to shake off and you notice it more and more…I am also going to be bereft when I finish One Day btw!!
It’s tricky when you’re a single parent but do you think there are any opportunities for you to meet others with your DC? You don’t mention their age but they’re at school. Are there any clubs/groups you could join with DC and help out at locally? Scouts/Guides, local sports teams etc?
There are also plenty of online type social groups / support groups if you’re tied to home in the evenings when DC is in bed, it might feel a bit weird at first but it could just help you to keep a semblance of a social life until things get easier?
Human contact is so important to our health.
If you’re struggling for ideas maybe see if your GP surgery has a Social Prescribing service or a local signposting service at volunteer orgs in your area.

Could you look to get a job that's at least partly office based?
I'm also a single mum, I enjoy the interaction with colleagues at work.

Sorry to mention something else - but if you WFH is there any flexibility to take an extended lunch one day to get out for a local walk or exercise class to meet people? Or if it fits with your job WFH in a shared work type place or even a coffee shop so you’re around others (even if you’re not chatting constantly it might be nice to be around others and get to know some local faces in town)

I know it’s hard to socialise with a young child so could you look at online book clubs or online group excercise classes / painting classes ?

that would mean on the evening you have some adult company without the bother or expense of a sitter?

id also consider changing jobs if possible

@MindHowYouGoes thank you. Good ideas, they are all so far out of my comfort zone though I’d really struggle. I will take a look though x

@FSGirl thank you. Yes doing something social WITH DC might be easier for me… haven’t spotted anything like that but will keep my eyes peeled now. And online is a good idea as less confronting.

Yes when I do make connections, I feel so lifted and alive. Only to sink back down again as they are so few and far between.

(One Day - considering a rewatch! Don’t know if I could put myself through all those emotions again though!)

I'm early 40s and a lone parent and self-employed too.

I've always found it valuable to have a varied social network with people I've met in various places. I only have one good friend out of the school mums despite DD being in a class of 30 so it has been valuable to invest in friendships with people I've met at exercise classes, neighbours etc.

I don't actively socialise very often but generally if I'm feeling lonely I can usually find someone who is free within the next few days or whatever.

I make an effort to speak to another adult every day even just for a brief superficial conversation like with the chap who runs the post office or someone I cross paths with out for a walk, as it does help. Going days in a row without talking to another adult definitely makes me feel lonely.

Regarding working at home, when the project I'm working can be done just with my laptop I sometimes go to a local cafe that welcomes remote workers for a couple of hours. Just being surrounded by other people working alone is a nice feeling.

The smallish town might be part of the problem. I’ve never struggled with friendships in my life apart from six years when we lived in a village, having moved out of London. It was just a mismatch of person and environment.

Similar age single mum and dd is older now and happily boarding. I remember all too well the nights of being stuck at home from 3:40 after school pick-up. I used to try to organise things at mine for a small group of her friends..actually over did it for a few years decorating for Easter/Halloween/Christmas and her b.day party which wound up causing high yearly expectations, so suggest doing just 1 or something every other week. I found other single mums a great source of friendship as our kids could play while we set the world to rights. I hope you have found a few others? It's the best network you can have to understand the unique pressures and they may have local suggestions for clubs etc.

I'd recommend shared work spaces as previous posters. Once your child is old enough to be involved in sports or beavers / rainbows etc volunteer with them.. fun and great to meet adults

@DifferentAlgebra this. I moved to the UK to live in London, and this move was sort of foisted upon me. I have tried but I feel totally the wrong fit for this town. When I go back to London, I breathe a sigh of relief that I feel so comfortable again.

Well, can you move? Unfortunately, we were priced out of London by the time we could have returned, and decided to leave the UK altogether. I still love London and go back often, though. And friendships have been fine since, too.

Good suggestions. I moved towns 6 years ago and didn't know a soul. My child joined a local cycling club who did bike skills classes for the kids. I was just hanging round waiting to collect, so ended up volunteering as a parent helper as something to do as I'm not a fan of sitting still, was asked to do bike coaching level 1... Ended up getting to know a few folk that way. Not all became friends as not everyone is seeking that, but all became at least friendly faces, a community and a couple became friends as they also were open to that kind of connection.

Good luck! Loneliness is awful.
P.s I find I have a lot of ND friends btw (think I'm in or close to that zone myself), so maybe you just need the right person to connect with.

So much useful advice, thank you. I’m going to look at working in a cafe or there’s a workspace too.

Not too many other single mums here! I chat to a few and I’ve been the same age as THEIR mums quite often (even older than one’s!). I get on with everyone but don’t feel that rapport you get with friends, IYSWIM.

Children’s groups a good idea I’ll look into. Wish I had a different job, that changes everything.

Getting out of the house seems key. I’m literally Miss Havisham between 9.30 and 3

Whereabouts in the country are you Op?
And what is silent book club? O

Have you tried the app Frolo? It’s for single parents and offers a community of single parents who can post different events and activities.

It’s very informal, but a great way to meet people. Someone will
arrange a meet up and you can go to whatever you fancy. Some are play dates with kids- others are for adults only.

it can be a meet up at a local pub, or a walk, or some other activity.

theres also lots of online groups within it if it’s difficult to get out of the house.

most events are in London and in south east, but people post from all over the country

@spiritualawakening a seaside town on the skids in SE England

This is why WFH is wrong for so many people - Can you go and work from an office at all? you say you don't have a 'team' as such but even being in a shared space you may hit it off with someone.
My work is 2 days a month office the rest at home - suits me. We have several staff who do full time office though or at least 3 days out of 5 because they either live alone or with elderly retired parents and need the company/office environment. If you are in a busy place in the day it won't feel so bad - you may look forward to a bit of peace and quiet and develop opportunities to meet up outside of work.
My DS is a young adult and I'm very glad he he has to go to work (lab) every day and is not isolated behind a screen in his bedroom. I hope things get better for you

https://www.frolo.com/

here’s the link. There is a paid for and a free option. You don’t really need the paid for option unless you want to access certain features

Some good advice there. I'm not in a relatable position but recently I wanted to join a book club and there was nothing suitable so i started one myself. I sent a mail to our cul de sac, there is already a WhatsApp group and there are 4 of us now. We go to the local pub once a month and have a few drinks. There is talk about a night out in the city soon. If someone is stuck for childcare we go to their house. Volunteering for kids activities and parents association is a good way to put yourself into the community too.

Echoing previous suggestions for volunteering. The scouts and guides often advertise locally for people to join committees for things like fundraising and being a trustee ( helping with admin, accounts, sourcing new contracts like energy and builders) . Meetings can often be in the pub and more fun than you might think. Good luck.

I wonder if you can slightly adjust your attitude to other people as well. If you are gregarious then use this aspect of yourself to put yourself out there with other people but maybe drop the expectation that you will become friends. I am wondering if this might help you. You seem to recognise the lovely need for connection you have, and I wonder if lowering the drive for friendships and long term connections might just allow you to enjoy and get enough out of smaller day to day interactions that you might find by just getting out of the house more. Good luck OP, this situation sounds changeable and you can do it!