I know he's not interested,

[Lightnose]

but why not and why does he show the level of interest that he does?

He's a man I know in person (not a dating app) and have a couple of interests in common with. Occasionally, not often, maybe once a month or so, I'll see or do something that makes me think of him, relating to one of the interests and send a short chatty message about it.

He always replies quickly, like instantly and we'll chat back and forwards for a while, a bit of banter, some mild flirting. He definitely leaves his replies open for more chat, I'm not forcing it. Then that's that until I weaken and send another one several weeks later.

Once in a while I'll see him at an event and it's all perfectly friendly and fun, but again it will usually be me who says the first hello.

I know I need to stop, but if he's not bothered, why engage at all?

He’s not interested in dating you

I know that, I said that 🤣

I never find it baffling that a friendly man is certain he doesn't want to date me! So I admire your confidence! I guess he is a charismatic type who exudes personality, and you feel it's for you. But it's who he is.

Charismatic, he is not. He's generally known for being difficult 🤣 I find him challenging.

Challenging in a good way, interesting.

Just because he doesn’t want to date you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you at all. My guess is he likes you well enough to enjoy a bit of banter and mild flirtation. It is good for his ego. A nice woman obviously likes him and pays him attention and flirts a bit with him from time to time. There is no reason for him not to engage with that.

It sounds as though you would like to date him. If that’s true I’d stop with the messaging as it will bring you no joy at all.

Ah! OK! So, to sum up, he's a difficult man who chats about your shared interest when you reach out first.

There's not much to analyse here.

I suppose you coukd go down in flames and suggest one date. Could you visualise going on a second date with him? You could reveal that you're open to a date! But if he says yes, don't make anymore efforts. Not so much as an emoji. Promise us :😀

I had a male friend who found it baffling that I didn't want to date him even though we had nice chats and got on pretty well. We are not friends any more.

That's the thing, we're not really friends, if we were that would be different.

To coin a phrase, ‘he’s just not that in to you’.

He likes you but doesn’t fancy you. Sorry OP.

He's playing hard to get and probably enjoys the attention. Leave him and see what happens

@Lightnose
Or he may fancy you desperately and not know how to do anything about it? You know what most men are like. If you show up naked carrying beer, they'll think "if I play my cards right, I could be in here".

I ought to know, I am one. It took months of my now wife keep inviting me places before I eventually worked it out 🤦‍♂️

Why bother working so hard though? It's a waste of time and effort. If he wanted to shag you he would most definitely make it obvious to you. Find someone who is interested in you and leave this one alone.

Having a pleasant chat roughly once a month is hardly hard work 🤣 I don't have any strong feelings one way or the other about where it goes, I'm just curious about what he might be thinking.

If a man wants you in 'that way', he will let you know. But...they always love a chase!

My advice would be to back off, don't message (tempting as it is!) See if he messages you at all or misses your chats.

The writing will be on the wall in big capital letters.

If you hear nothing - there is zero romantic interest. If he starts seeking you out - there's a possibility he wants more.

Stop being the only one to initiate contact.

He likes you as a friend (not BFF but someone he enjoys chatting with/messaging with on occasion)? Just judge him on his actions, enjoy your occasional chats/messages but if you're looking for a romantic relationship then pursue that elsewhere e.g. dating apps.

Can you just do what I do? I'm in frequent contact with a bloke and really enjoy it although it won't go anywhere.

But it does make me beam a bit when I have a message from him. If he ever meets his 'quine' (he's Scottish) I'd be really pleased for him.

And yet you're giving it so much headspace you've started a thread on MN. Do you think he gives you this much headspace?

You've said yourself, it's friendly and fun.

He just doesn't fancy you that much.