Mum going behind my back with my DC

[SugarMitts]

I will preface this by saying I have a complicated relationship with my Mother and she displays lots and lots of narcissistic traits, I have taken a huge step back from our rather enmeshed relationship for my own mental health and it has been difficult

I have 4 DC, two in high school, two in primary
My mum has always considered herself the 3rd parent of my older 2 (not the younger ones o don’t know why) and has time and time again disprespected boundaries with them; buying them things I said I was going to for Xmas & birthdays, setting them up on social media behind my back when I had said no, badmouthing my parenting to them etc

The latest issue is this - the older 2 are of an age where I want them to have some responsibility to get around and I want them to walk themselves to and from school, get the tram when they’re out with friends etc, but my Mum just keeps showing up at the time they’re going anywhere and taking them
She parks outside school every afternoon to take them home when I’ve asked her time and time again not to
She has also recently started arranging things with them and not through me
They will literally just appear dressed and ready to go out and say ‘Gran is on her way we’re going to x place bye!’ And no communication through me whatsoever

They are high school age but still children and I do not think she would be bypassing me to make plans with my children themselves and not me

I don’t know if I’m letting my history with her cloud my feelings on this issue though so looking for some impartial opinions?

it’s baffling that you allow any contact with her given she displays lots and lots of narcissistic traits,

how frequently does she get together with the children and you? Do you use her for childcare? What are the relations between your children and DM like?

, setting them up on social media behind my back when I had said no, badmouthing my parenting to them etc

this woman wouldn’t have an access to my children

You need to be much more clear with your children regarding what your parameters and their grandmother

My realisation that she is bad for my mental health and that she is possibly a narcissist have only came in the last few months, before then she was involved in every aspect of my life, very very enmeshed. we used to see her most days, the children would stay over at least once a month, and she would take them all away on holiday once per year.

I always brought up each issue as they arose but of course she is never ever wrong. She is very hard to deal with.
However she’s always been good (if a little uneven/unfair) to my DC, I don’t have a reason to stop contact altogether (the DC wouldn’t accept this anyway) but there is just absolutely zero respect there to me as their mother - never has been.

I totally agree. This is awful, awful behaviour. Who the fuck does she think she is?

don’t have a reason to stop contact altogether (

hell yes you do from what you describe but i understand your dc seem close to her

so nothing you can do about her other than you not engaging with her (but i suspect this won’t ever happen)

but you need to parent up with you teens and be clear they are to walk home and they are not run arrangements by you before agreeing to them with your mother

Yikes she sounds dreadful. I'd definitely go NC. DC need to have some respect for you although can realise they've been manipulated. She's enjoying this sick bitch.

I told the DC they were to walk home from school and tell her they didn’t want a lift if she asked and with all the tact of rhinos their words to her were “Mum says we’re not allowed to get in your car anymore” 🙄 oh the drama that ensued!

I just don’t know how to get her to stop, and I can’t be at school every day to pick them up myself to stop it because I’m at primary school at that time
I have in fact got someone to do primary pick up for me and gone to high school once or twice if it’s raining or to pick them up and take them for a cake or something as a treat and they’re already sat in her car when I get there
Then they think she’s the best thing ever because she would never let them walk home in the rain like their mean Mum

I can’t put it all on the kids to stop it because I know first hand the awful gaslighting, manipulative, guilt tripping that they will be subjected to because of it, it’s not fair to put it on them
My oldest is really starting to talk like her now and I’m seeing lots of the same behaviours in him, it is making me sick that I didn’t realise this sooner

I can’t put it all on the kids to stop it because I know first hand the awful gaslighting, manipulative, guilt tripping that they will be subjected to because of it, it’s not fair to put it on them
My oldest is really starting to talk like her now and I’m seeing lots of the same behaviours in him, it is making me sick that I didn’t realise this sooner

this is disturbing and will not improve

Yes very disturbing. I'd be moving far far away. She'd get to them online though.

Moving is really not an option

Does anyone have any practical advice? Maybe someone who has been through similar?

You are describing my mil. I don't know what to do about it.

I know. I'd have nipped this in the bud a while ago. Probably too late now dcs are older?

The fact that you are allowing her to do harm to your children (putting them on SM, not letting them learn independence, disrespect their mother) because you won’t put your foot down with her, suggests to me that you have a long, long road ahead of you. And, given the older two are already teens, unless you make a big effort, it may be too late.

My MIL would do exactly this if I let her. It’s all about her, not the children (forget me). Nobody uses my children, for any purpose, and that includes her. She has ranted, bitched to my DH, bitched to her other DC - I don’t care. They’re my DC, my responsibility. She had her time with her DC and fucked up 2/3 of them. Hell will freeze over before I allow her to do the same to mine.

I have no doubt she is horrible, and putting them on social media without your consent sounds really worrying (unless you are being weirdly controlling around SM and they are actually 16 and 18 or something - but taking your OP at face value it sounds awful).

However - is her picking them up from school actually a terrible thing? Yes it's good for kids to learn independence, but that should happen naturally and organically - so they learn to make their way home in situations when they need to - rather than actively preventing them from getting lifts with a family member in order to force independence, IYSWIM.

Try to see it from the kids' perspective. If I had a grandparent I loved who was happy to collect me from school, but my mom said, no, you have to walk, even when it's raining, in order to learn independence, I would feel ill treated and resentful - most people would.

The social media stuff is a hill worth dying on. The lifts from school I think really aren't. I would pick your battles here, and then the kids are more likely to respect you, if it is very clear that when you say "no" to things with granny, you have an iron clad reason why......