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Original poster

Who is in the wrong

15 replies

superplumb · 19/02/2024 07:27

So we've always been skint. Things are slightly better now because I don't spend on much. We have 2 children both under 10, both with asd and youngest also adhd. Been together 20 odd years, married for 10.
I push myself to get promoted so as a family we have more money. I don't like my new role and was happier before but I knew we needed the money.
Husband is a low earner..28k and having to work an extra day a week as overtime so 6 days a week. It's physically demanding. He's knackered and grumpy because he's tired. This affects me and the kids 1) his mood amd 2) he's not here to do stuff at the weekend as a family.

He has the option of a completely new job for 2x the money. Lots of training involved but financially would be a massive improvement plus it would mean I don't have to keep looking at promotion doing a role I don't like either. I should point our I've just spent a year revising for an exam to get promoted..again for the money as a family.

Yesterday we had a barney. He started going on about how he isn't happy, isn't feeling the new job ( if he gets it) is happy in his role etc and said his heart isn't in it. He was going on about failing the training then we'd be fucked. I told him I hate my role but I suck it up for the family. He goes on about how I spent money on my 40th etc, ( ring) I pointed out that I bring in a lot more than him a month so what I spend is technically my extra anyway. We are now not talking because I'm so mad

I hate the way he puts his happiness before the families needs. He's happy for me to be miserable though. His argument is he didn't make me get promoted..true, but we'd be fucked if I didn't.

He has spent a lot on his birthday this week and he is going away woth a friend in summer to watch the football. He'll spend a fortune on this. I can't go because we have noone to look after my boys. I just feel let down and I really wish we hadn't got married. Currently I lm not bothered about spending time with him, can't be arsed to have sex with him because i just feel resentment towards him that financially its shit. I can't remember the last holiday we had. He won't take kids out to dinner because of their asd they are a bit of a nightmare so we just come home watch TV etc. It's no life.

Am I being selfish or is he? I just want us to have a better life. Noone really loves their job do they? I work come home to family. I could also leave for a job I'd prefer and take a 20k paycut too ..but again I don't have that option.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 07:31

You need to take some time to think about this relationship, as you’ve got two kids that you may have to support longer than you’d expect.
Think about how much you earn, how much pension you have, and how he’d be wanting 50% if you split. The sooner you make the break, if you ever do, the less you need to hand over.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2024 07:36

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 07:31

I have thought about this and just ending it now. It's all so big and complicated and I'm not sure I have the head space to sort out the house finances etc.

OP posts:

Gingernaut · 19/02/2024 07:40

So he's perpetually whining about his current job, being a Debbie Downer at home, he's barely involved with his family as a result, he's applied for another, different job for a lot more money and now he's whining about that job even though he may not get it?

He needs to have a word with himself.

YADNBU

2dogsandabudgie · 19/02/2024 07:46

Are you entitled to DLA for your children? Maybe it's more about lack of confidence with your husband. He knows that he can do the job he's already doing whereas he's worried that he will fail the training so I can see it from his point of view.

I don't think you will get anywhere getting angry with him. What would happen if he did fail the training, is that a possibility? Would he be out of a job completely?

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2024 08:10

2dogsandabudgie · 19/02/2024 07:46

I don't think you will get anywhere getting angry with him. What would happen if he did fail the training, is that a possibility? Would he be out of a job completely?

We do get a small amount of dla for my youngest. Oldest doesn't really need it so we won't apply for them.
Most don't fail the training ( I know a trainer). He's just looking for an excuse not to do it.
I'm now not bothered about him doing it because i won't be blamed for either him being unhappy there or failing it and him having to go back to his old job on differnet terms ( as he's worked in his old job for so long he has the old contract, new employees have worse conditions)

I'm just fed up and I'm getting really resentful. Not sure I can get over it. I feel myself getting so jealous over others who have ambitious husbands who want to do more for their families, do things, go out more, all costs money.

OP posts:

2chocolateoranges · 19/02/2024 08:16

I wouldn’t expect anyone to work a job they didn’t like or enjoy.

dh has worked in the same job since leaving school over 30 years ago, he has so much potential to get a better paid job but he loves his job and it’s steady money. I wouldn’t push him to change jobs because of the money.

if he wants a new job he has to do it himself and not be forced,/pushed into it.

id look at ways to cut our outgoings , budget better.

what I did was went back to college retrained and got myself a better paid job and I do genuinely love my job.

MarnieMarnie · 19/02/2024 08:17

I think you would be better off separating. He sounds like a millstone around your neck, doesn't bring much money in despite working long hours, doesn't do anything to help in the house, lacks any kind of drive or gumption. It is a huge thing to divorce, so you need to break it down into small things that you can cope with. Good luck, he sounds awful and you'll be so much happier without him.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2024 08:25

2chocolateoranges · 19/02/2024 08:16

I wouldn’t expect anyone to work a job they didn’t like or enjoy.

if he wants a new job he has to do it himself and not be forced,/pushed into it.

id look at ways to cut our outgoings , budget better.

what I did was went back to college retrained and got myself a better paid job and I do genuinely love my job.

I earn well. We do budget but I'm sick of going without but he won't consider another job.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 19/02/2024 08:26

I think it was unkind to tell him the extra money was your money because you earned it.

There is also a lot to be said for being happy in your job (I like mine) and with two neurodivergent children (which I also have, so I can relate) things outside of work are probably tough enough as it is. I can understand him not wanting home and work life being difficult. I wouldn’t take my children out for a meal as they would hate it, so I can’t find any issue with him not doing so either.

All that said, you sound unhappy in general. Are you sure you are yourself staying married? You have a right to want to bring in as much money as possible but it doesn’t sound like what you two want match.

TheSnowyOwl · 19/02/2024 08:26

I think it was unkind to tell him the extra money was your money because you earned it.

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 08:26

So you’re budgeting and going without while he’s spending on his birthday, and a holiday with his mate.

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2024 08:30

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 08:26

So you’re budgeting and going without while he’s spending on his birthday, and a holiday with his mate.

Pretty much. We were overdrawn for so long so I worry. When I mentioned Jim going away he just mentioned me buying a ring for my 40th.

OP posts:

bottomsup12 · 19/02/2024 08:33

Surely we mostly all dislike our jobs and would rather be doing something more enjoyable? Tell him to suck it up.

What would he do if you decided to go off and get a worse job and leave the family even more skint because you "enjoyed" it more.

What a selfish twat

Original poster

superplumb · 19/02/2024 08:44

bottomsup12 · 19/02/2024 08:33

Surely we mostly all dislike our jobs and would rather be doing something more enjoyable? Tell him to suck it up.

What would he do if you decided to go off and get a worse job and leave the family even more skint because you "enjoyed" it more.

What a selfish twat

Exactly and I could. Easily fins a better job amd drop 20k but I can't because we'd be fucked

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/02/2024 18:30

It's up to him what job he does and how much he earns - that has to be his decision.

What you do have a say in however is how you split the family finances so that he's not able to spend beyond his means leaving the family short. Have separate finances and split your contribution to household bills fairly and then you're each left with spending money based on your income - and I'm normally a "you're married, it's a joint pot" kind of woman.

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