I just want to die.

[Backtolife45]

I’m really struggling and don’t know how to get out of it. I’m 29, and every area of my life right now is hell.

Firstly, I was in a relationship that ended in December. I recently miscarried my first child at 10 weeks and my ex keeps coming back/dropping whenever he’s interested and it’s a cycle I’m trying to break. I guess I have low confidence and that’s why.

I have a professional job in marketing and I earn 35,000 a year- but with bills, credit cards (supporting myself through uni) car finance etc- and with saving £100.00 a month, I only have 250.00 left over for bills, food, socialising and petrol. I currently live in a tiny houseshare with no living room- and I WFH 4 days a week so I’m in this one room most days- all day- 9ft by 9ft. I feel like I’m in prison but I recently crunched numbers and if I moved into a flat by myself and had to pay bills I’d be in the minus.

I have a group of friends but I’ve started distancing myself from them and they have from me. They’re all going through really good times at the moment, one has bought her first house through family money, another has just got married and is going on a Caribbean cruise, and I’ve noticed although I express my excitement for them because I haven’t got much to talk about they don’t really include me in things anymore.

Im also struggling with my weight. I have PCOS and Insulin Resistance and have been trying to diet but haven’t even lost a pound. I was even drinking 3 slim fast shakes a day and only lost 2 pound in 4 weeks on 800 calories a day.

I also just started in October a new job which I thought would be great but it’s horrid. Nothing mentioned at interview (budgets) was true. It’s a lot different than played out and the manager isn’t fussed and is rude. Everyone complains about her unprofessionalism but nobody is willing to say anything and I’m frightened to in case everyone else cowers and denies it.

So here I am, Sunday blues- dreading tomorrow and wondering if there’s any point. I never thought my life would be like this at almost 30.

Sorry I don’t have any immediate advice..I just happened to see the post has just been put up, I came on to ask if anyone has advice on something else leaving me incredibly low.
but I guess first thing block your ex as that will be taking up headspace, sending you a hand hold x

Sorry you having a rough time OP.

The positive I see is that all of these things a changeable and so.....this will pass, things will get easier, but possibly not without some action.

Have you spoke to you GP about how low your mood is? With the PCOS, it can also impact your mood. Would you consider medication?

Financial strain is an absolute drain. Sounds like you are working a lot between your job and university, is there anything you can do with your finances? Sounds like you already budget well if your saving, when is your course likely to end and how much better off will you be when it does?

Is there an option for you not to work from home? Can you work the odd day in a public libary? Or in your work place? Separating work from home can massively improve your self care/down time/ability to relax and switch off.

I am sorry to hear what you're going through but hang in there. I think a first step might be looking for another (and better) new job, the loyalty to employers/stickability factor isn't so important now I think. Also a better house share?

Hang in there.

You sound in a bit of a rut but I promise it will get better. You are SO young. It is the norm at your age to still feel a bit lost, a bit uncomfortable in your skin, and like everyone else has their shit together. I promise you ten years down the line people will start getting divorced etc and you’ll realise there was no rush to settle down.

Can you go back to your GP to ask for some help with the pcos/weight stuff ? Maybe even some meds or a referral for some therapy for the way you’re feeling too? it’s amazing the friends I’ve had who were horribly depressed and they found meds really helped.

Then, I know how hard wfh is, especially when stuck in a tiny room. Any way you could get out for a swim or a run over lunch break? Or even just a long walk to get some day light? Maybe listen to a chatty funny podcast or a story on audible
for company as you go? It makes such a difference to me when I break up my working day like this.

Life is too short for toxic jobs, at your age I thought I had to stay in crappy places for 1-2 years or it would reflect on me. I realised later that this is foolish. I would say get out of there ! It’s perfectly fine to tell recruiter the job wasn’t what they’d promised, budgets etc (you don’t need to comment negatively about the people), it makes you look like you know your value rather than flakey. You have a career with lots of possibilities so you will find something else.

Please hang in there. How you are feeling is so normal and it will get better,

Ask your GP to put you in metformin for your PCOS, that should help you lose weight.

Little steps to a bigger picture xx

Also as suggested, definitely block your ex.

Hello,

I just wanted to say that if you really are feeling like ending your life please do all you can to reach out to a human being who will listen to you, hear your pain. For example, the Samaritans. As people on Mumsnet may not be able to listen as much as you need, or they may even reply negatively which could set you back even further.

There are a lot of areas of your life where you are suffering great difficulty. Relationships, friendship, loss (a great loss), health, work, money.

I really hope that things turn a corner in at the very least one of these areas soon, such that you feel better able to value your life and carry on. In the meantime it would be impossible for any of us to sort out all the problematic areas of our life in one sitting so please go gently on yourself.

Could there also be a hormonal element given the recent loss that is really destabilising your mood, might be worth seeing a doctor, if you feel you could do that.

Sending you hugs OP. It sounds as if you are having a tough time and you are feeling stuck in a rut. But you are only 29 and still have so much time in front of you to achieve everything you want. And maybe that's what you need to do is take a step back and work out what you want. You do sound depressed and isolated. It can be hard to congratulate others on success when you are struggling. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I've experienced miscarriages and one of the most difficult times for me was I had to congratulate a friend of mine on her pregnancy the day after my loss. She wasn't aware I was miscarrying at the time.

I do think if you don't want to get back with your ex you need to go cold turkey. I know this is hard but it is really the only way. Do you have any family and friends you can speak to about how you feel? You might want to consider looking up mental health services. I suffered from post natal anxiety after my second baby and I did a CBT course which I found useful. I still suffer from anxiety at times but I feel more empowered to help myself when things get bad. There are plenty of charity run organisations that will listen to you if that's what you need. I hope life gets easier and better for you soon.

Hello Op, it sounds like you are having a rough time right now, and are understandably feeling low. If you were reading this from a friend, what would your advice be? Sometimes taking an outsiders view can help us plan to help ourselves too.

Sorry also didn’t intend not to acknowledge the miscarriage - please don’t under estimate the impact this can have too; I felt so very down after losing a baby at 10 weeks. I think not just the sadness, which was so significant it surprised me, but also the hormonal slump which was a real shock.

It’s ok to mourn this loss and what could have been; and j understand why it might make it hard to fully close the door on your ex. But the cliche is a cliche for a reason, it will get easier over time. Now I look at my 2 children and im glad for the losses I had before because it was always supposed to be the exact two kids I ended up with, if that makes sense. I should say I didn’t have children until I was much, much older than you.

at 29 I was also still renting, had zero savings, was one pay check to the next and so lost about my career and social life etc. can’t say over a decade later I have all the answers either, but definitely wish I’d realised how much freedom I had to change course in my 20s.

Hi OP sorry that sounds really hard! I think lots of people would feel the same after a pregnancy loss and relationship loss.

The one thing I would say is try and connect with your friends. Be honest about how you’re feeling. Good friends will be supportive. Don’t withdraw from them - that’s the worst thing you could do. Being down lies to you and makes you think no one likes you. That doesn’t sound true to me.

Please reach out to someone in your life. Mum? Sibling? Friend?

Firstly you don't want to die. What's happened is, you've become overwhelmed by everything all at once.
My best advice would be to write a list of all the things in your life making you unhappy. Basically everything you've written in your post.
Start with simplest to resolve - which is to get rid of your on/off boyfriend who you know in your heart will never make you happy and he's just using you. Dont allow it. End it. Forever. You will feel empowered!
Next, the job situation is resolvable. Endure it whilst looking fo another job. There are other jobs out there - but you need to be proactive. You WILL find another job, just like you found the one you currently have -. Only better.
Maybe try and find a job that isn't fully wfh. Sometimes just going into a work place, socialising, can do wonders for your mental health, you might meet new friends too.
Next- your living situation isn't ideal. But, another option is once you have a new job, look for a 2 bed place where you can advertise for a professional female to share - or throw out on social media if any other professional females are looking for someone to share a flat or house with. You might be surprised!
I'm really sorry about your miscarriage- that can't have been an easy thing to deal with and it sounds like everything is getting on top of you.
The best way forward would be to tackle one thing at a time.
Box each thing off individually so you don't get overwhelmed by trying to tackle everything all at once.
Take control back.
(Esp regarding loser bf)
Lots of us have been through dark times. I lost my DH at 29. I thought my world had imploded. We were living overseas for his job, so I came bk to the UK with no home, husband or job. It seemed like all my friends lives were fabulous and mine had fallen apart.
It's possible to come back from dark times - by being proactive and dealing with one thing at a time.
In 5 years - your life can and will look very different.
If we don't make changes, life stands still.
You've put yourself through Uni which is amazing- so you know you have this in you.
Envision how you'd like your life to look in 5 years - and aim to make it happen. It will give you a focus.
You're always welcome to PM me if you need a friend/chat 😊

I’m really sorry for your loss 💐
Youve had an awful lot to cope with, I can imagine how you feel swamped.
Change one thing at a time and congratulate yourself each time you do.
Block ex, he’s sapping your energy.
Please talk with your GP, re medication someone upthread mentioned.
You could ask about talking therapy too.
Is there a job you’ve always wanted to do? Work on a cruise ship, work and live in a different country?

Oh OP, It seems like everything has come at once for you hasn't it?

Well done for reaching out on here. Please do think about reaching out in real life too. A family member? A friend? Or the Samaritans, who are there 24/7

I am so sorry for your recent loss. Don't expect yourself to move forward from that loss too quickly. Look after yourself.

Are there any options to go back to your old job? It sounds like this one is not a keeper?

Alternatively, hang on in for a few more weeks, then start to job hunt again, perhaps looking to move to a cheaper area too for a new start and a nicer room.

Spring is coming, the time of new starts. You are in the toughest season now, and many of us have been through times like this when everything seems so bleak. Talking to another person - for me it was my GP, who was fab - made such a difference to me. Please do keep reaching out.

Thinking of you.