Does your child listen to your good advice?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Mine does not, and I'm wondering whether I should persevere or ease off.

He is 9 and has never been a great listener, but now he is actively rejecting any feedback that isn't telling him everything he does is perfect. I'm not talking anything big here, just things like trying to finish one drawing even if it isn't perfect, rather than starting again 20 times then giving up. Or trying to keep his arms at 90° when running, or stepping on the pedal when starting his bike, or making more time for friends who are consistently friendly than those who are unreliable, or even to change the cartridge in his Nintendo by pressing down, not by fishing it out. Personally I don't even care about most of these things but I know why his friend can now run faster - it is because he has worked on his style and corrected his arms, and if my son is willing to learn he can do likewise instead of complaining about the ground being muddy. Likewise he gets frustrated about drawing if it is not perfect - as an adult I know that there is a lot to be learned by not being perfect and pushing through anyway, but maybe I should just make sympathetic noises and let him work it out for himself? (Or just rage quit, which is my concern).

In many ways it would be easier to shut up and leave him to it, which I think is the route my parents took. But I remember that my friends parents were more pushy about making their children sit down and listen to their advice, which I was glad to avoid at the time, but looking back I think some of that advice was useful in the long run.

What are other people doing? And is it working?

If my child is about to stick a fork in a toaster sure I will say something if they don't run as fast as their friend no

And 'good advice however it is worded is code for 'why won't they do what I demand'

They're adults now so it's different but when they were children and teens no, they rarely listened to my advice.
They did what they were told to do (please put your shoes on / stop playing with your food / stop trying to stick your thumb up the cat's bum/ etc) but that's different from advice, which they've always been free to accept or not 🤷

And 'good advice however it is worded is code for 'why won't they do what I demand'

See I don't think that is true. I have benefitted greatly from good advice, and even where I think it through and decide not to accept someone's advice, I am not bothered that they offered it.

If I am doing something wrong, tell me! Don't sit there smugly watching me doing it wrong when you can see a better way.

Meant to also say that advice that children are forced to accept is not advice, it's an instruction.

Advice comes with choice. If the child doesn't have choice, the parent shouldn't pretend they do.

IMO it's important for children to work small things out like the things you mention for themselves.

Unfortunately parenting and institutions like schools are almost always reward and punishment based, which does not build a growth mindset.

Not sure if it will help but i offer them advice by showing them pros and cons of everything for example if you do it this way this may happen.... explain negatives then it may feel like a informed choice

I'd say my DD does take my advice but I choose when to offer it and how I phrase it. I wouldn't say anything about an unfinished drawing per se but might ask her what she thinks is lacking and why she's not happy with it and then chat with her about how she could do it differently and then let her get on with it.
Kids learn by doing and will often take time to learn. As long as it's not dangerous I would let them learn and encourage when it goes well and guide them in thinking about what isn't working.

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When you give him the advice how are you putting it?
Kids can be really sensitive to anything they perceive as criticism.

So instead of saying you can't do x unless you do y, can you word it differently?

I have four teenagers. They only listen to my advice if someone else says it, then it's a brilliant idea.

He probably feels he can’t do anything right because you’re always nagging him about things that don’t matter.

He is 9 years old. May e stop helicopter parenting and let him figure things out for himself. Micromanaging him shouldn't be your hobby.

My daughter (12) does like to learn things the hard way so unless she is in imminent danger, l let her

I am not allowed to say anything about sport at all. My older one will listen to me about social and academic things. My smaller one will listen to me about absolutely nothing 🤣

I was about to say similar, but mine’s only 8!

OP I feel your pain. The only thing I can say is that when the event you warned about comes to pass because they didn’t listen and felt they knew best, the learning is all the more profound. Pity they had to suffer to get there, but that’s the choice they make. Perhaps over time they’ll realise it’s judicious to listen to those with more knowledge and experience!

They are learning independence. They have to be allowed to make their own mistakes, within reason.

My ds sometimes listens to me - but re: sport he listens to his PE teacher. Re: tech, to his friends, or Google. Now I only offer suggestions. And generally only if he asks.

They listen to it, but whether they act on it is a whole other thread...

Not sure if it will help but i offer them advice by showing them pros and cons of everything for example if you do it this way this may happen.... explain negatives then it may feel like a informed choice

For this though you would need the child to engage with you and listen - there is not a snowball's chance of my son wanting to discuss it. And most of these things don't need a discussion really, just "look, if you step on the pedal you won't wobble, which is good in traffic" etc.

This is reflective of all the parents I know in real life! Hence why I have to come on Mumsnet to ask all the people who are more successful than real life people .

I had parents where nothing I did was good enough. An A - why did I only get 85% and not 90%. Mother has an Art degree and constantly criticised or as she put it - positively critiqued my Art work - my father who is no athlete himself laughed at my caring attitude and attempts to learn new sports. It made me a nervous wreck and at 40 unable to do anything as I constantly question myself. I have 3 degrees and viewed myself as stupid. Crazy huh? Even when they said nothing, I knew what they were thinking. It made me ill.

I praise and leave it there. My daughter is a great horse rider and she recently asked me to video her and examine the video - and offer her advice - I did. She’s currently sitting next door doing her EPQ and she will ask me to review it - but I use the phrase ‘ Can you help me understand this bit’ or ‘can you help me understand what this means I’m not sure’ when upset I ask them to help me to understand how they feel and we communicate. Mine are both highly confident but able to take advice but I don’t offer. Younger child likes to draw and is colour blind but was given a confidence boost when I took them to see a Van Gough exhibition. The great artists didn’t produce masterpieces in one go - they tried, they failed, they went back years later and reworked things and didn’t necessarily follow other artists or a set format - they experimented, art is expression.
He is 9, his friends don’t run faster because of elbows, they run faster because they are taller, fitter, had more sleep that day etc - it is not the olympics and at 9 nothing is a competition, it is all learning. At 50 I’m still learning, learning to undo decades of harm from my own childhood! Be a supporter not a criticiser. You don’t need to say everything he does is perfect - no one is but praise the effort not the result.

I’m a single parent and don’t have the best budget but my children are bright independent thinkers with their own challenges and they are flying. Your son is 9. Like my 9/10 year old I don’t blow smoke up them but compassion and empathy go miles further then ‘telling them and they listen’ !!!

I would settle for listening tbh, at least they know another point of view exists.

Mine prefers the advice of her abusive father's many handmaidens. I'm just her clueless mum.

Try and find things to praise your kid for, not generic stuff but specific things you notice. If he starts to associate you mainly with praise, he’ll listen to you more and you can occasionally drop in your own suggestions for improvement. Make it 90% praise to 10% advice

Pick your battles OP. From 9-25 yrs you are hitting a long run of them not listening to you. Unless it’s actually dangerous let him learn through ‘failure’.

None of the examples you’ve given are things I’d even think about let alone comment on.

My advice to you is stop micromanaging