Why is my dog such a twat

[Cruisem]

I have an 18 month old golden retriever x collie. Weve took him for his walk this morning and his decided it would be great fun to crawl around on the wet grass and mud and has just got absolutely filthy. Only way to clean him was a bath which is an absolute pain to do on my own with 3 children watching and getting in the way. Thankfully we have a downstairs bathroom but he still has to walk across the carpet to get there.

There must be an easier way. Any recommendations greatly appreciated ive now got a soaking bathroom and wet dog that now will take hours to dry his fur.

I once had a boxer that found a freshly dismembered hedgehog that unfortunately had gone through a ride on lawnmower. I saw my dog rolling around with gusto but wasn’t near enough to see exactly what he was rolling in. When I got nearer I saw……
We walked home with him wearing blood and bits of minced hedgehog. Yuck!

Oh God that’s rank @GenerousGardener! my dog likes a roll in a dead fish on the beach, I thought that was bad but minced hedgehog is too much 😂

I grew up with dogs who got plastered in mud every walk throughout most of the winter - they never had a bath or shower in a bathroom. If you have a dog hopefully you have some outdoor space. Have a garden hose installed if you don't already have one.

Wash him outside. Tie him up and hose him down. If you think he needs warm water - he doesn't, he's a dog, and half GR at that!

Towel him off as best you can and then confine him to kitchen or utility room - somewhere uncarpeted - until reasonably dry.

Why DO dogs roll around in stinky stuff??

This is absolutely genius!

Apparently it's so they don't smell of dog so much - makes it easier to sneak up on prey.

At least that was the theory I heard behind why they have that instinct. I suppose it's probably just a theory.

We're in the process of sorting an outside shower for our 2 spanners. A friend has done it, and they've just taken a spur off their kitchen tap to go through the wall to outside so you can use warm water. I'm sick to the back teeth of wet dogs, dirty floors and dirty walls. The elder bastard rolled in a dead rabbit carcass yesterday and had to have a full bath before i went to work. At 7.30am. And had the nerve to give me side eye while being washed. I was nearly sick, the smell was THAT bad.

We use Enjo for cleaning and the garage glove is perfect for wiping down stinky dogs. Removes the smell of dead things they roll in as well as just dirt.

I asked my dog this exact question two nights ago when he dove head first into the Bush he just just pooed in AS I WAS CLEANING IT UP! God speed, OP. They are worth the hassle but annoying at times 😆

Our lab will frolic in every pond swamp puddle etc but god forbid we try to get her in the bath

Hose down in the garden if she's really filthy (sprinkle setting not jet wash but you'd think she was being tortured). We have towels on her bed in boot of car so if we've driven somewhere the worst usually gets soaked up on the way home.

We have a lot of old towels for the dog...

Dog shower outside. Game changer

I've just bought a mud daddy and it's brilliant. He's only a small dog so just bought the 5 litre one for his feet, might even consider the larger one later.

My life has been CHANGED by an Equafleece and a mudbuster dog paw cleaner.
Equafleece - it's not waterproof, think they advertise it as water-resistant. But I have a spaniel (known disgusting mud gremlins) and I've seen her submerge herself and yet when I took the fleece off she was only a bit damp. But for me, the issue isn't the wet it's the mud so that's fine! The paw buster is a little bit fiddly (basically a cup with fronds you dip their feet into) if you have a wiggly dog, so if mine wasn't mostly okay standing still and dunking her feet I would have bought the 'paw buddy' tool.
Keep it all (along with a towel) in a box by the back door, have a washable but absorbent rug down (so not a hard plastic one, as you want it to soak a bit up really)
I do the paws first, then squeeze the excess water out of them with a towel, THEN I take the equafleece off.
Life changing, I'd pay every penny again for that equafleece - pricier outlay than other dog coats and I've had some silly comments off people but my house isn't trashed!

Your first sentence is the answer to the question in the thread title.

(Wheres the mandatory photo of clean twatdog?)

At least a dog is a manageable size. I used to have a large and hairy white horse, who had a penchant for rolling in the largest mud bath he cound find, until he was absolutely encrusted, inch-thick up to his eyelashes. This would usually happen during the day, so by the time I got to the yard after work, all the mud had dried solid and he looked like he was wearing a brown suit of armour.

Golden retriever x collie mix…Can you post photos?

Ohhh dear, @aitchteeaitch - does he get called TwatHorse?

We have CatBastard in our family - so called because of his habit of biting you of you aren’t stroking him enough/right or too much. And he sits by the front door until one of the staff lets him out, then dashed round the house, back in through the cat flap (which he won’t use to go out because why would he when he has staff) and goes to sit at the front door again, glaring at us until someone lets him out again.

I have a bog monster spaniel and his Equafleece has been an absolute gamechanger. Even after wallowing in a pond, I only have to clean his paws (and the tips of his ears!).

No, golden retrievers are even worse than labs! 😂 We have a lab and he loves running through every muddy puddle he can find but golden retrievers insist on lying in them! And at least labs are short haired so you can just rub the mud off with a towel.

Mud daddy? We had to get something for the last pup who was a retriever and also a mud rolling twat.