How to be more assertive?

[ShiningforLeeBertie]

Ever since I can remember, Ive been a people pleaser, even to the detriment to myself and my own happiness. It just seems impossible for me to be able to say my own needs and wants if it comes to the detriment to someone else.

For example, I was in a relationship for several years, I wasnt happy yet I was unable to walk away as I knew the other person would be upset.

The situation I am in now, is I appear to have fallen into a FWB situation. I was chatting to a couple of people OLD, had a date with someone who said right from the very beginning they werent really looking for anything serious, but we got on really well as friends, we had the greatest night ever. We have seen each other a few more times and although we wont get together, we have had amazing sex. The other person could not be any more different, we had a week off speaking but now talking together and I know they are looking for their forever person, which I am too.

So why on earth am I so weak that I cant say to FWB I need/am looking for more so I cant continue to do this?? Well I know why, cos I hate letting people down and not telling them what I want to hear, but why can't I say those words? Ive had it loads in the past where someone has said they dont want to see me anymore, yet I cant seem to do the same?

Any advice?

@ShiningforLeeBertie the exact same. Would love to be one of those people who just say, I'm sorry, I can't. But I'm not. Would love to be more assertive without being abrupt or unfeeling.🤗🤗

I was raised to be a people pleaser and continued to be one all the way into adulthood until about 15 years ago when I stopped.

I now have good boundaries and never do anything I don't want to do, or spend time with people I don't wish too. HOWEVER, its shocking the amount of people who actually hate me and bully me for having boundaries. From my sister to my mother to colleagues and flatmates - they get so unbelievably vicious and spiteful, to this day, if I don't give them what they want. Almost as though they geniunely think I exist for their benefit.

I wish I could find a happy medium in being assertive but I think being assertive, having boundaries and being liked really don't go together.

Say 'no' more often and if you are asked a question, don't be afraid to say 'i don't know.' Indeed, be polite

Some people can't take not for an answer, jsyt like one of my magers years ago. She came up o Friday to the group of desk I was sat at and asked me to come in on Saturday for urgent work. I said, "sorry, I can't." That shouls have been the end of it. However, she then asked, "what are you doning on Saturday." I said, "I'm goig to New Zealand." She walked awy and the others sniggered and one burst out lol.