Why can't hospitals just be honest when you call about someone on their ward? Why tell you everything is fine when it's not?

[LivinLaVidaLoki]

DB died last year. He was admitted to hospital and died just over 24 hours later. He lived in a nursing home and I am his next of kin. I also live a little under 200 miles away.

Once I had been notified that he was in hospital I kept constant contact with the hospital to check on his condition so I could prepare to travel down immediately if needed.

When I called I was told he was responding well to oxygen and had been given some antibiotics and his symptoms were improving and he was stabilising. There would be further tests that evening and they would know more in the morning so I made plans to travel down the following morning and he died in the night. The death was unexpected.
There is to be an inquest.
We've now been sent all the medical reports and it transpires that actually he was extremely ill on admission and while responding to oxygen he wasn't getting better and the prognosis wasn't good at all (sorry trying not to give too many details).
So, why did no one say this to me the multiple times I called?
Why did he die alone in a hospital when he didn't need to?

I also have a friend who's mum suffered a catastrophic brain injury and was put on an end of life pathway. Friends dad would call the hospital and be told regularly that she had "had a good day" and so on, which made it extremely difficult for him to comprehend the seriousness of the situation and friend and her husband and brother had to meet with the hospital several times about this and each time the consultant agreed that it wasn't appropriate yet it continued.

Why does this happen? I am absolutely beyond devastated that I couldn't be with my brother when he needed me.

I have no answers, but experienced the same with my mum for 6 weeks in ICU.

I've wondered this as well.

Everytime I phoned about an elderly aunt I was told she was "comfortable" and had "had a good night".

I've experience of this too - luckily not to the extent of a loved one dying when I was told they were OK.

I think it's easier for the staff, they get you off the phone quickly by giving a positive report, no follow up questions, no emotions to manage.

I found the staff in my Dad's nursing home were more open and realistic about how he was near the end.

Sorry to hear about your db. When someone is critically ill the update is only as good as the moment it is given and things can change quickly, Unfortunately it can lead to a very disjointed communication of the situation.

Fucking hell I had the opposite which is why I felt I couldn’t complain. My mum was told my expected ectopic pregnancy surgery went as expected and my baby and fallopian tube was removed. I found out 2 days later when the doctor finally decided to pet me know that I had a cyst and a healthy pregnancy. Until then I thought my baby had died and I’d lost a part of my body. Some of them don’t give a shite

Because the phone is given to someone very junior to update you, as everyone else is busy, so they tell you what the person had for breakfast or they slept well.

It is difficult. But hopefully your sad post might help others to realise that when ringing hospitals they might need to be very specific in their questioning and not just be fobbed off with "fine" or "as well as can be expected."

"I live x miles away and wish to come down to be with him; would it be best if I came now?" "Could you please be precise about what you mean by fine?" "Is he improving or deteriorating?" "Have you been nursing him all day, or is he a new patient to you? - is there someone available who knows him better or might have more information?" etc. etc.

The fact is that we are so conscious of how busy the poor nursing staff are that we do not like to be "pushy" - we are right to be concerned about their workload, but these are our loved-ones and we need to be kept fully informed.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you all. I know there would have been an element of not wanting to be pushy, but I also did say at the time that I'm one one of the few family members he has, if he was really poorly or deteriorating then to let me know so I can make plans to travel.
I know thinking it over now won't change anything it was just upsetting and a complete shock seeing it.

it’s because of confidentiality. Can’t go into specifics over the phone because you can’t verify someone’s identity.

I suppose. But every time I called I was asked his address and dob.
So I wonder why ask me to verify I actually know him (or why ever they ask you) to not then tell me anything.

They most likely weren’t aware death was imminent. There is very little training on how to deal with relatives, there is also confidentiality concerns it’s a bit of a minefield what you disclose over the phone.

A little under 200 miles isn't an impossible distance. Wouldn't you have wanted to visit him whether he was very close to the end of his life or not? You were asking the hospital staff to make a decision for you on whether or not to travel to visit your own brother, which seems to me to be beyond their remit.

I'm sure there's an element of staff who don't really care. When dh was rushed to hospital with a life threatening accident and I was stuck at home with our disabled child, they just wouldn't tell me anything much beyound he wasn't dead and he had a scan.

Then if your reliant on a relative telling you it's dumbed down to nothing. Step mil told dh not visit his dad after a fall he was fine. He had broken ribs and vertebrae. Either she is so dozy she didn't think a broken back was a bad thing or she was delusional about the prognosis.

I think unless your there, you will never get any where near an accurate account.

It depends on whether you are listed as next of kin or contact. I will only discuss specific things if I am certain I am speaking to someone I’m allowed to speak to, which is usually the person listed in the patients notes.

I’ve been on the other side too, the midwives wouldn’t even tell my mum whether I was in the hospital when I was in labour!