Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If your DP wanted a big wedding and you didn't- how did it go?

16 replies

marjoriee · 15/02/2024 22:58

We got engaged at Christmas and are starting to try and get sorted. DP is quite traditional and wants a summer Saturday wedding with all the frills. We'd probably have to wait until 2026 for that, which I don't think he quite gets at the minute.

I don't really want to sacrifice all my savings on a day and I had privately daydreamed that 2025 would the year we'd TTC (I know- my fault, shouldn't have), but I'll be 33 then and I don't really want to wait longer than that.

How do we compromise? Who compromises?

OP posts:
moosloverlover · 15/02/2024 23:01

We had a very small ceremony (22 guests, hired a small venue and had food, speeches and a mini evening do) and then a massive evening do (the following night, 150 guests and did the whole first dance etc) in a lovely function room next to the beach!

RNBrie · 15/02/2024 23:06

I didn't want a big wedding but my DH did and it meant a lot to him. We had a lovely day, it was so fun and brilliant to have all our important people together. I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected to.

But we look back now and think WTF were we thinking spending all that money on one day. Dc1 joined us 9 mo later (somewhat unexpectedly) and childcare was £1800 a month after my mat leave. We struggled financially for a good few years. We wouldn't do it again knowing what we know now.

My dB had a tiny wedding ceremony (15 people) a lunch and then a big party in the evening. He spent a quarter of what we did and has no regrets.

KenIsAnAccessory · 15/02/2024 23:09

We had a big wedding, but on a week day so not quite so £££££. At a time of year where most of our friends were already off work. It was a good compromise and I'm glad we did it. Made DH v happy, great memories and I did enjoy it a lot more than i thought I would.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 23:10

I wanted a registry office affair with close family and friends, he wanted the big wedding. We ended up getting married in a hotel and had the wedding breakfast and evening do there too. I tried to keep it lowkey but we ended up inviting about 45 people to the day and 100 to the evening. Cost about 12k which still makes my eyes water 15 years later. Tbh I had a lovely day but I think I'd have preferred my wedding.

2chocolateoranges · 15/02/2024 23:12

I didn’t really want a big wedding, dh did so we compromised,

we had a small day with family only, 38 guests and then we had a huge party at night with all our extended family, work mates and friends.

we had the best day.

Original poster
marjoriee · 15/02/2024 23:15

I've actually really enjoyed 'being engaged' and I think I would enjoy the day. It's just the money really, it's such a staggering amount of money when we rent a flat and hopefully will have a family in the next few years.

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 15/02/2024 23:23

Can you get a late availability deal for Sep/Oct time this year?

We got engaged in the April and started planning in the May and got a late availability for early October in a lovely hotel - great time of year as wasn’t too hot or cold. People tend to have better availability around that time after having busy summers. We paid with 0% credit cards and paid off over the next year and started TTC pretty much immediately.

Original poster
marjoriee · 15/02/2024 23:26

Honestly I'd be happy with a Sept/ Oct deal. I saw a good one with 80 guests for 5k which seemed an absolute bargain compared to others we looked at.

DP not keen...... and I think by the time he realises that it is a good deal, it'll be too late to organise.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 15/02/2024 23:31

We had the ‘big wedding’. I cried on my wedding day and was suicidal during my honeymoon. I regret my wedding.

WandaWonder · 15/02/2024 23:35

We invited who was important to us, so we had about 50

To me there would have had to be a reason to invite someone not just to make up the numbers, if you were important enough to come to our wedding then you were important enough to be invited to ceremony and reception

if my husband wanted a big wedding I would have got to the bottom of why?

CatchAButterfly · 15/02/2024 23:38

I always wanted a big wedding. I come from a culture where big weddings are the norm. DH on the other hand always wanted a small wedding and hates being the centre of attention.

DH knew how much it meant to me so we went for the big wedding. Then covid happened and we cancelled it all and went for the micro wedding instead.

With the benefit of hindsight, it was the right choice financially. Our budget was set at £25k and we were approaching £50k, which is a crazy amount of money to spend on one day, but in the middle of wedding planning, things add up. But, whilst I loved our small wedding day and I’d much rather be married and have our family, I will always feel sad that I never had the wedding that I dreamt of my whole
life.

WinterDeWinter · 15/02/2024 23:56

I don’t want to be disrespectful but I just can’t imagine dreaming of my wedding day my whole life. To me that signals the fetishisation of the status of being married rather than your actual real relationship with a real person - it’s an a abstract. And it’s so closely linked with gender conditioning and the way that women are encouraged to see themselves as not fully themselves until ‘chosen’.

ViciousCurrentBun · 16/02/2024 00:11

I did not want a big wedding due to cost, DH did and he said his Mother would never forgive him if he didn’t. So we compromised and had a registry office wedding with a buffet in a village hall for 100 people. Not fancy at all but I really loved it. I just did a conversion as we married in 1999 so the wedding would be 2.8k in today’s money.

CatchAButterfly · 16/02/2024 00:11

WinterDeWinter · 15/02/2024 23:56

I don’t want to be disrespectful but I just can’t imagine dreaming of my wedding day my whole life. To me that signals the fetishisation of the status of being married rather than your actual real relationship with a real person - it’s an a abstract. And it’s so closely linked with gender conditioning and the way that women are encouraged to see themselves as not fully themselves until ‘chosen’.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. You can still dream of having a certain wedding day, but still want the marriage and life that follows it. As I said, I would much rather have my husband and our family that followed, hence why we chose to go ahead with a micro wedding rather than postpone until the pandemic was over, but you can still place importance on a wedding day at the same time.

Whitesapphire · 16/02/2024 00:16

I would have been happy to have a basic registry office wedding for about £55 with two witnesses. He wanted a ‘proper’ wedding which ended up costing me at least 15k including the honeymoon, because I earn a lot more than him. It was a nice day though and I don’t regret it.

Pekoe78 · 16/02/2024 00:19

I’m a private person and hated the idea of a big wedding but DH was adamant. It’s probably the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. It was all about everyone else. For months. I had my bridesmaids falling out with each other, my mum being difficult about her outfit, my inlaws being demanding, even on the morning of the wedding it didn’t stop. I ended up ill with stress. Even after the wedding it carried on. I had my mum’s friend moaning she didn’t get any cake (she left early) and my inlaws friends moaning that someone else had got a thank you card and they hadn’t (just hadn’t arrived yet). I just feel numb when I look back at my wedding photos.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page