Wishing I could start over again

[Bubblybooboo]

Does anyone wish they could go back to when they first had their kids and start again?
I feel like I’ve made mistakes and we’ve developed into a really unhappy household. Our dynamics are all skewed. It doesn’t feel like a happy home sometimes. Or maybe I’m just expecting too much and should be greatful for what I have.

I don’t want answers. Just wonder if anyone feels the same. I’d give anything to go back to when they were born and start again.

Yes 😌
How old are your kids and why does it feel like a negative environment?

Yes. I left my marriage and an unhappy home to create a happy one which I have broadly for DC sake but inside I'm wracked with guilt. Have a thread on this as I'm struggling immensely.

I would say that you've recognised that you can make things better for you and your family, it's never too late.

7 and 9. Just they argue constantly. My husband and I are often stressed. We have cycles of being really happy and then dips when we all feel like crap and home is a bit of a war zone. Nothing massive or abusive just constant low level bickering and unhappiness.

How old are your children?

I know I need to focus on what I can do now. But tonight I just don’t feel like it and am embracing the wallowing a bit.

They are still young & you have many more years ahead. You can start new resolutions from tomorrow to try and make your home more like you want it.

We all do at times. It wasn't until they left home and went to uni that I realised I had been one of those parents who had bent double to try and ensure their DC were never disappointed. Shit decision. Life is disappointing and they don't become resilient by trying to hide that fact while they grow up. I used to wish my time over so I'd be less precious about them.

Hope the happy times come around again soon OP.

Would going on a parenting course give you more confidence to make the changes you need?

Nothing massive or abusive just constant low level bickering and unhappiness.

Is this how you want to present your children's future how theirs will be?

A calm single household is what you want. I know it can be hard, but I did it. My DS is off out into the world living his best life. And me too.

I had my second child so sure that I would get it all right this time. Nope, not at all, just found new ways to screw up.

Well yes or course that is what I want. I thought that went without saying. I am and do try lots of things to make improvements. One of the things that make
me want to start over is how hard it is to change things. I feel like my children have developed a difficult relationship with eachother than I try my best to manage, but that is hard to change. We make little improvements, but I wish I could start again with the knowledge I have now.

I’ve done so. I read a lot too. I do try lots of new things. Some behaviours are just so engrained. There’s a lot of good going on here too….which I can see sometimes, but others days I just see the bad and the difficult.

When mine that age I felt the same, felt there were more bad days than good. But now they are adults I listen to them when they come home talking about old days telling their partners stories of their childhood. You know what , they remember things sooo different. That picnic when I forget the sandwiches, I remember the picnic I ruined, they remember that great day when they went to a bakers and had pasties and then eat sandwiches for tea in the garden ! That time DH and I argued and were convinced it would be best to split - they remember going to grandads with mum for a few days and having a great time if pushed the oldest remember something was wrong but not the extent and overall it was a great weekend.

me personally- yes I wish I had done things in my life differently but what’s done is done .

When I was raising my children my priority was to keep them safe/warm/fed and to build happy memories. They don’t have to be every day because those few really good ones are the ones they remember.

They just may not like each other. I am one of six children, it’s a lot isn’t and sort of control group size for an experiment. I adore 3 of them, 1 is certainly ok and I really don’t like 1, we never got on that well. Personality clash. Once our Mother died we lost contact, no big announcement or anything dramatic. I just haven’t seen them for years.

What do they like each as individuals and do you ever do anything with each of them without the other?

Yes I think a lot is just a clash of personalities. One is very loud, always energetic and wants to be doing things and socialising constantly. The other is quieter, like a fair bit of calm ‘down’ time doing things like reading and gets overwhelmed with too much activity. One is physical, likes hugs etc and the other doesn’t like being touched. One is loud and the other sensitive to loud noises.

Im hoping as they get older and more independent it becomes easier as they will have more space from eachother:

today actually was really lovely and not much arguing. I think I have a bad tendency to catastrophise things when I’m down and have had a hard day.

@Bubblybooboo that is very similar to myself and my sister who do not get on. I was a quite studious type, a bit of a book worm who ended up working in academia. She is very loud and a complete party animal, so we are just very different.

Not a healthy atmosphere but can you and your husband make a peace pact and become friends and start reminding the kids that we are kind to each other, we do not bicker, why should you.