Ds has shot up in the last couple of months and is stronger than he realises. We were goofing around today. He was upset that his bottle broke and despite his best efforts wasn’t fixable and was discussing with me the possibility of suing the manufacturer for emotional distress 🙄 and I was trying to lighten up the moment by advising him to let it go. I pulled up the Frozen song on my mobile, which he snatched out of my hand, to turn off and I said I’d have to sing it then. All just a bit of silliness.
Then he kind of grabbed my face from behind, to “gag” me, and I instinctively stepped forward, so now he was sort of yanking my neck backwards. He didn’t stop when I told him to. I had to give him a finger jab to the thigh to break his hold.
It was the kind of goofy play that 6 weeks ago would have turned into a hug but now has got dangerous. And obviously I need to be mindful about winding him up too.
But my neck and shoulder hurts now. I told him, calmly, that it crossed a line, that I wasn’t mad, and understood he wasn’t trying to hurt me but he’s stronger than he looks.
I’d really like some advice on how to handle this, preferably from people with some experience or awareness of neurodiversity. He has asd, adhd and a strongly pda profile. I need a succinct rule that takes a no more than a couple of phrases to say. And I need to get it right first time. I also don’t want to trigger a pda response or I’ll be unpicking it for years.
He’s a good kid, with a lot of restraint, but since hitting puberty he’s very angry and wants to go nuclear when things go wrong or he’s dealing with a perceived injustice. He’s a bit handsy though. He’s not good at moderating touch - he can be rougher/stronger than he realises or intends. He can be both hyper- and hyposensitive to touch, aversive to hugs or unexpected touch. He can misinterpret an accidental jostle as an attack. And he’s a kid that has an invisible “mug me” sign on his head
I’m in two minds whether to tell dh about this because I can predict dh’s response will be a bit heavy handed and I don’t think there was any bad intent. From ds’ perspective the problem was that I stepped forward instead of staying still/or moving backwards. He wasn’t trying to wrench me- he was stopping me singing.
But I also don’t want to be covering up for him! or making excuses. (I don’t think I am?) My aunt was in a long term abusive relationship with her ds, protecting him even though he put her in hospital and financially abused and terrorised her. I’m trying not to catastrophise here, but it’s also important that I handle this well. Up to now I’ve had the upper hand in terms of physical size. But that’s changing. And this incident has shaken me a bit.
Whatever I say next will has the potential to be an absolute rule, applied in every single situation.