As the username and and title suggest, I feel if not rock bottom just totally fed up/at sea.
In 40’s one DC work for DH’s company part time. I have so many things to be greatful for I know but I just feel not right - both physically and mentally.
Physical feelings;
Trouble sleeping, although I take NYTOL and herbal tablets which do help.
Extreme tiredness and lethargy often to the point of not being able to get out of bed, extreme dizziness during the day, struggle to focus on reading - so things like emails and anything on screens are sometimes impossible.
Inability to focus visually - things often dance in front of me or on a page
Often struggle to articulate myself properly and sometimes hear myself speak and it sounds like a stranger….I don’t seem to be able to get my point across in a way that makes sense and get a bit muddled - DH and I are at constant cross purposes because of this
I feel very low in confidence/maybe what could be described as imposter syndrome/social anxiety
The two things things above are in complete contrast to how I used to be pre children.
Achey and cold - sore joints
I have been assessed via NHS for and diagnosed with ADHD as have for as long I can remember struggled with extreme lateness, forgetfulness executive function and clumsiness. I always eschewed medication as seemed to get on okay. It was a councillor who I saw when I was struggle with recurrent miscarriages who suggested I might have it and wrote it my GP for me - this is about 7 yrs ago. I asked about finally getting medication at Christmas but now I can’t have it due to the shortage
I’ve been to the GP multiple times and suggested, had multiple blood tests, vitamin deficiencies, hormones thyroid etc. nothing has come back. They’ve suggested antidepressants but I don’t think I’m depressed!! Obviously feel it but only because of the physical things, the only thing they have suggested is SRI’s but I have read through all the physical symptoms and don’t want to add anything else to my list of physical ailments!!!
Things aren’t great with DH either, he never talks to me and I don’t seem to be able to get at what he is thinking/wants. He’s also permanently home based since the pandemic (previously would be put with clients 50/60% of time and this adds to my anxiety as he his business is very busy highly pressured and I feel like I can’t get away from it.
I’m desperate to do something of my own or go back to work but I don’t feel like I physically can it feels insurmountable when previously I had s good career - I went back to work aft DC 5 but when we moved to be closer to our parents in 2022 I wasn’t able to keep working remotely and couldn’t find anything that fit around childcare, DC is at school now tho so there is more scope time wise.
I also feel sad about our financial situation. Previously yes DH works long hours but there was an upshot in that we were comfortable - I know we are missing my salary but I’ve always worked in the Arts and comparatively to DH was very low paid so really didn’t make much of a dint in terms of overall household income. I barely broke even once I went back after DC, so I’m not sure what has happened, I know there’s been the colc but I see friends in similar positions able to still carry on with holidays and house renovations etc. we don’t seem to be able to afford anything without significant hand wringing, but apparently nothing is wrong - DH is as busy as ever. For instance we used to both have a nice and very nice car respectively….that seems like another life, now we have one reasonable car because it’s the sensible thing to do I thought, but we seem to have less money even though we are spending less?!?
I don’t know I just feel 😑.