Help me be a bit less slovenly and live better

[ACuriousHare]

I have two small children, one of whom still wakes multiple times per night. I suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD (have family members who are still diagnosed) and we live the sort of lifestyle where no one can ever find anything they need, drawers are frequently turned out looking for things and then the mess remains there for days and yesterday's pots and pans often clog up the sink. Never truly grim or dirty, but often not conducive to the kind of mental wellbeing that would let me be a better parent to my DC and get out and do more things with them.

Anyone got any tips for how to improve things one step at a time? Not just the house, but also my mood and wellbeing so I feel more able to get out with the DC and do things. For instance, I've been thinking of chucking out most of my wardrobe (which doesn't fit post-DC2) and getting some really comfy lounge clothes that I can also wear out to get out of the temptation to just stay in pyjamas and remove an obstacle to going out. I'm just so tired all the time, but don't want my kids to miss out.

Getting diagnosed would be a starting point.

Decluttering would definitely help!
As would a routine e.g. one person baths the kids while the other washes up abd tidies the kitchen in an evening.
Invest in a label maker and storage containers to separate larger drawers and cupboards (watch that "sort your life out" programme for inspiration and if you're not that way minded then there are companies who will come in and help you do it). Making life easier for yourselves will make you more energised.

Get into the habit of trying to have a home for important things. Get into the practice of putting them back in their safe place when they are used?

The issue with an ADHD diagnosis is that the waiting list is currently 2-3 years for NHS and, even if the OP goes private and so gets seen slightly faster, there’s currently a shortage of medication. I imagine that the OP wants things to be better a bit faster than that.
OP I would suggest a regular online food delivery. Much faster than having to go round the shops and, once you have that in place, you can start meal planning which takes some of the stress out of cooking and eating.

I dont have a perfect life but what helped:

Decluttering but you need to be strict with getting rid otherwise you just end up with bags everywhere!

Building up a routine and try to stick with it even on holiday.

Do a huge declutter. When you've decluttered (not before!) organise storage so everything has a place.

Write yourself lists - daily list/weekly list/monthly list. I think it's easier to have something to refer to and tick off when you're starting out, it'll soon become second nature.

Lounge clothes are a great plan, also slip on shoes and a hat for bad hair days!

Never miss a bin day opportunity, make sure the bin is full to the brim. Ditto with if you get any charity bags through the door, get them filled up and put out.

Think of your house as a mathematical equation, the outflow of stuff needs to exceed the inflow

Smart Scattered is a good book.

If you already have clothes, make it a goal to shower and put them on each day.

Once you have some routines in place decluttering the wardrobe is good. Although I handled my wardrobe very badly, the things that I would recommend is picking a colour palette. I got my colours done as I didn't know what suited me. Turned out to be completely different to what I though. I now mainly buy 5-6 colours and it all goes together. Secondly I buy two or three or more of things like t-shirts, vests, jeans that fit. I did use Styled by Susie they have some useful cheap guides on what you actually need for a capsule wardrobe.

Label your wardrobes and chest of drawers and chuck if you must what goes there, but chuck it in , only in its own designated place. Whatever you have not space or storage for, put into plastic bags and write labels also on the bags what it is and store it in loft or give it to your mother. Or just donate it or throw it away. After done that, start tidying individual storage units by folding the clothes that go in them.

Some of the Flylady ideas work quite well if they are adapted for real human beings:

Always shower and get fully dressed each morning

Unload the dishwasher and draining board at a set time each day

Take something with you if you are going upstairs or downstairs

Challenge yourself to put away ten things in two minutes

Readers of Flylady will recognise these as adaptations of 'Get dressed down to your shoes', 'Shine your sink' and the 'Twenty-seven fling boogie', but I am trying to be realistic here!

Diagnosed ADHD here ( combined type).

As others have said, decluttering has helped me massively! A place for everything and often multiples of things around the house (nailclippers, hairbrushes etc) I find I need things on show otherwise they don't exist for eg I hang most of my clothes up rather than put them in drawers.

Getting yourself some comfy loungewear sounds like a great idea, I have lots of comfy sweatshirts, vests & leggings which are fine to wear out and about. I tend to stick to similar colours and things that go together. I have less items but try to love everything I have and if I don't love it then I get rid of it.

Do you drink much water? Hydration is really underrated I think & does help you feel a bit less exhausted. Maybe set a goal of filling a litre bottle every morning and making sure you get through that throughout the day, then you could up the amount to 2 litres? Add a bit of squash if you don't like plain water. Sorry if you already do this!

Do you get the chance to exercise much as that may give you a little more energy too? But small kids and waking throughout the night is a killer so huge sympathy!

I think you maybe need to start with your physical health. In the last line of your post you emphasize that you "feel tired all the time." This can be a major handicap when you are trying to make your life more efficient - every effort seems just a drag.
If you can get an appt for your GP (which can be tricky, post pandemic) then you need to put this perpetual tiredness to them - at the very least they could arrange a blood test for you.

firstly I’d buy one of those long material shoe holders that one can hang behind a door downstairs (they have pockets for shoes). Store everything u may need to have around but don’t necessarily belong in a certain place eg nail clippers, hairbands, hairbrush, kids suntan cream, etc it’s so handy and kick to find things. Also leaves shelves less cluttered.
2 don’t have too many small boxes/compartments of different items..as that’s just more work to maintain eg a big drawer for socks knickers and bras in more or less sections is more maintainable than neat compartments that only have space for the exact amount.
3 coat rail for coats and coat rail for bags. 4. a drawer in the house for sellotape scissors string (unless they’re in the shoe thing) 5. Only white linen cos everything looks clean and quieter (less busy messy)
6 always quarter fill a sink while u cooking in the kitchen so u can plop rinse off utensils you’re using so even if they stay in/around the sink for a little longer than they should it will look cleaner and feel easier to approach than grimmy sticky crockery. 7. Invest in nice cloths that you actually enjoy using to clean surfaces I like those square thin spongey ones they not drippy like dishcloths 8 something lemony or refreshing to put in your shower to feel clean 9. Always put trainers on when u are slumping around it makes u feel more productive slippers or thick socks = lazing feeling. 10. But one of those handheld vacuums for quick less of a fag cleaning 11. If u can afford although I don’t know environmentally friendly bathroom wipes are so fabulous easy to use and make your bathroom shine in one quick wipe well a few. 12 make sure comfy clothes u buy don’t need ironing to look neat. Creased just adds to sloppy looking as opposed to casual. I’m sure I would have done more with my kids if I hadn’t been a slumpy mess from exhaustion and I look back now and it would have taken so little well relatively little to just have improved a lot. So good on you

Thank you for all these great ideas... I don't think there's anything physically wrong with me although I might ask for a blood test. My DC's other parent isn't really in the picture on a day-to-day basis and it's been a long time since I had a full night's sleep (DC2, 18 months, has never been a great sleeper). Combine that with working part-time around school, caring for both DC and and trying to find a way to increase my hours and I'm just feeling a bit... battered.

But I want to feel a bit better and more put-together, and have the headspace to do more with my kids. So definitely going to focus on decluttering and organising. And then drinking plenty of water and trying to squeeze in more exercise. I have a bit of spare money out aside (birthday/Christmas) that I can put towards trying to improve things so useful to get ideas of where it would be best spent.

K.C. Davis on YouTube or her book "how to keep house while drowning" (available in audio version) AND Dana K White/A slob comes clean on YouTube, also has podcasts, and a few books. "How to manage your home without losing your mind" would be particularly good.

Posted too soon.
I'm a single parent to two primary age kids and one older who I'm a carer for. I am certain I have ADHD. I definitely feel like I'm drowning sometimes. I used to be a hoarder but now the house runs relatively smoothly, but I can't really have more than one day off. I wish I could be more efficient! Both these women have been amazing for my mental health, and as the guilt lifted, I was able to do more. I wash my dishes at least once a day. I do a load of laundry daily. I spot clean rather than look at some fingerprints and think "the windows are so grubby- I need to find time to wash them all"

I struggle with the motivation to get myself out of the house - on bad days I just wont move.

I've found if I remove the obstacle of "getting ready" I'm far more likely to be able to leave the house.

A big, long coat helped with this as I don't need to worry too much about what I'm wearing, and in the winter I can chuck a hat on instead of having to do my hair.

Strangely enough, if I manage to get out for half an hour, when I get home I feel more motivated to have a shpwer etc.

There's a lot of good advice here but I find changing just one small thing at a time is less overwhelming than buying lots of new storage solutions and trying to organise it all, or changing your whole wardrobe.

Not an ideal "starting point" when it's 2-3+ years from first seeing GP to recieving treatment.

OP, I find it helps if I'm just realistic about things. For example, I know that if I have a day where I absolutely smash it and get loads done, 9 times out of 10 I'm going to be burned out and numb the next day. So I try and be a bit kinder to myself. Rather than "you're so fucking useless, you did loads yesterday so you're definitely capable - you're just lazy!", I try and tell myself "you did loads yesterday so today feels really hard. Let's just aim for 1 dishwasher load, 1 laundry load, and the kids can play in the garden rather than going out".

Actually, that's my top tip. I always do one dishwasher load and one laundry load (properly finished; as in washed, dried and put away!) every day. Otherwise we very quickly get in such a state that it feels insurmountable to tackle.

Totally empathise, OP. I'm in a very similar position circumstance-wise and really struggle to keep on top of things especially after a particularly broken night..

I'm really trying to implement the rule of always putting something back in its place as opposed to tidying up and leaving piles of stuff everywhere.. this is helping a bit as is getting my DD6 to tidy up more after herself (not easy but am seeing an improvement).

I've also now got drawers downstairs for DCs with pants socks and some clothes so I don't always have to trudge upstairs (and upstairs again as DD is on second floor) to get everyone dressed.

Just a couple.of weeks ago I finally bought a cordless vac (cheap Dyson imitation but had good reviews) so I can so quick vacuum without having to drag out bloody Henry or grubby broom/dustpan and brush each of the million times the kitchen or living room need a sweep up each day. It's my new toy and I love it!

Also trying to get rid of stuff each week that kids have grown out of... its an endless cycle but has to be done!

I'm constantly knackered but have also learnt to just try to rest a but when DCs sleeps

kids are never too young to start learning good habits too - toys go away before bedtime (even if they stuff them in a box and you sort them out later), take their empty plate / mug / bowl to the kitchen sink, help to put laundry away (pairing up socks is a good task for small kids), put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, make a space where they can hang their own coat and put shoes away when they get home etc.

It is so hard, I've spent the last three days sorting and cleaning because I got to the point of wanting to scream over the state of the house.

I started small by sorting out the storage cupboard on the landing, and then I just kept going. I had clean washing piled up on the chest of drawers in the bedroom, and I mean piled! I couldn't put it in the drawers because stuff was just rammed in there, so I sorted out the drawers, moved on to the wardrobes and I just kept going.

My bedroom is now tidy for the first time in at least a year. Today I've tacked the bathroom and the kitchen.

I'm shattered, but I feel like I've achieved something. Three bags of rubbish, two bags of stuff for the charity collection and I feel a bit more organised and ready to tackle the lounge tomorrow

I would have hated anyone turning up to my house - it embarrassed me, and I am ashamed that I've let it get so bad, but even a ten minute tidy three or four times a day will make a difference. And once its been blitzed, its easier to keep on top of.

💐

Something else I find helpful is to do things whilst the kettle is boiling - I'm on my feet anyway to switch it on, so whilst waiting for it to boil I can take washing out of the machine or empty the dishwasher. Even if I dont put everything away, having the dishwasher empty means that I won't pile dirty things in the sink making them harder to deal with.

I am well past the days of having young children around so I'm not sure if any of this will help in your situation but habit grouping or 'stacking' certainly helps keep me feeling able to start the day, even when I'm not too well or am feeling low.

I put all my clothes ready for the next day in the bathroom so that when I wake up and go for a wee first thing, I undress and weigh myself (am trying to lose weight and choose to weigh daily), then wash, change into my daytime clothes, clean my teeth and do my hair. I don't leave the bathroom until I am daytime-ready. I also leave the bathroom presentable - maybe giving the basin a quick swish which takes seconds.

Once I got those linked habits sorted, I added the habits of then putting away my pyjamas, making the bed and leaving the bedroom tidy.

When I got this little group of habits sorted, I added making my first cuppa of the day and taking a couple of vitamin tablets which I keep by the kettle to remind me.

In the space of ~10-15 minutes, I achieve so much and for me it all begins with having my clothes ready.