Really worried about this child

[IfYouLikePinaColadaaa]

My cousin’s daughter has just turned 9. She’s always been a very very very quiet child, as a baby she didn’t cry, as a toddler you hardly knew she was in the room, very shy and only started saying a few words to people outside of her first degree family (mum/dad/brother) when she was about 5. She still doesn’t really speak to anyone outside of her wider family and when she does, it’s mainly one word answers.

She has a very odd disposition, the best way I can describe it is that her face is like a blank mask. She doesn’t really smile, or pull faces, or show any emotion at all, in her expressions or speech. Her parents have always said she throws intense tantrums at home and is ‘hard work’ but outside of their home, it’s just the blank mask with people.

This in itself has always worried me but as she is well taken care of I didn’t see it as my business to pry.

I was speaking to my cousin on the phone today and she said something that shocked me. She said her DD was angry about something and said ‘one day I will cut you into bits mum’.

She didn’t seem fazed, I think at this point she sees it all as ‘just DD being DD’, but it really shook me. My children are still very little so I don’t know if this is a normal thing for a child of that age to say, but it doesn’t feel like it. I knew she wasn’t typical but didn’t think she would say anything like that.

I feel at this stage something needs to happen but I don’t know what, she’s never been assessed (her teacher suggested it, parents refused) but I think this should happen.

Has anyone else ever know a child like this, or does anyone have any advice? Should I say anything?

I think it’s up to the parents really what they want to do. If teachers have suggested assessments then they have noticed and taken note but sadly if the parents say no then it’s their choice .
It really sounds like she’s masking, she’s hiding and unleashing her anger and feelings at her safe place at home.
If you feel comfortable talking about it then speak
to them about what the teachers have suggested in the past but you’ll need to be prepared for the parents to argue back.

She sounds like she could be ND but if the parents aren’t receptive to an assessment, I doubt you can do much as long as she is otherwise well cared for.

As the others have said sounds like she may be neurodivergent or possibly selective/situational mutism?
I think you have to approach the subject very carefully with your cousin if you wish to do so as it's obviously a very sensitive topic. Best wishes x

Sounds ND and the outbursts at home are probably from masking

Sounds very likely that she is ND and because she is not having her needs met, she is masking and shutting down emotionally and socially.

I think you need to talk to your cousin about it. Or what about talking to cousins parents? They might have similar worries and you could find a way to help together.

Sounds like neurodivergence. My youngest would come out with (still very occasionally does, if today is anything to go by) similar awful sounding statements. My eldest would be the blank-described bit of your post, along with weird statements people thought sounded concerning.

Not much to do if the parents have refused help with assessments. Which is sad, the kid is likely to end up a confused, depressed adult with added mental health issues.

I would be really surprised if she wasn’t ND, I’ve assumed she is all along, but it was the threat which really shook me. My aunt (cousins mum) is in firm denial there is anything up with her granddaughter, and actively discourages my cousin and her husband from investigating. It’s awful and I can see so many chances to help her slipping away. She has no friends and spends her life inside the family home doing very little.

It was the threat which shook me and made me wonder if it’s time one of us intervened in some way. To help her DD but also because (although I’m sure 9 in 10 such threats will never be carried out) surely not taking such things seriously CAN lead to people growing up to do horrendous things?

I might get flamed for this, but if the poor girl has no life, no friends etc, I think is neglect. Failure to thrive.

I agree with @YouAndYourFringeCanFuckOff
It's a child whose needs are being ignored. My instinct is to report it to school safeguarding as such.

OP you concerns are very valid. This child may turn into the violent teen that ends up expelled from high school as they can't cope there in mainstream school. I assume they've tested that she can actually hear and see fine etc? Otherwise sounds like classic ASD

The thing is they think she’s making progress. Because she wouldn’t speak to anyone, and will now reply in 1 word answers, they say this is proof she’s getting better (so to speak) and will do things in her own time. But going from not speaking to 1 word answers at the age of 9 isn’t really what I would consider progress in a typical child.

It’s very hard, we have to see her quite regularly and I don’t want to ignore her but when I do speak to her it’s very awkward as she may or may not reply and her face is just completely blank. Sometimes she’ll just sit and stare at you with the same blank expression, I’ll smile at her but she won’t return it.

At this stage would you say a thoughtfully worded, heartfelt ‘I can no longer overlook this’ type message would be acceptable? I doubt the school can do much, as I said they’ve pushed for assessment but my cousin is having none of it. She thinks the school have it in for her child a bit, and won’t engage.

I suspect she'd just cut ties with you.
Schools are trained in this

Not sure about the ND issue, but I do know kids that have said stuff like this.

(I worked in primary for a few years as a TA).

They had had access to unsuitable and violent films and games and were copying what they had seen. Ie it was bad parenting.

Would she have seen anything like that?

Sounds ND to me, autistic. Could you encourage them to get her assessed, will help with parental strategies, the girl understanding herself, accessing the right support, PIP

I have a family member like this, she is autistic and has ADHD. I don't know what you can do if her parents are not receptive to assessment. They are certainly not doing her any favours at all. The school are in a difficult position too. I would say something but it's a risk isn't it?