Making you me for yourself/ letting yourself go

[123station]

Hi. Just wondering if people want to chat on what 'looking after yourself/ making time for yourself' mean to them and is it the opposite of 'letting yourself go'...
I had a phone call with a childhood friend. She's obsessed with her physical appearance, bless her. Since I've known her she's been o. every diet, slimming exercises, permanent make up, hair dye. I haven't seen her for a while and she insisted I won't recognise her if I see her. She sent me photos (I'm not on socials) and I can tell she's done a bit of Botox, hair is big and light, her body looks very fit and strong. She was always beautiful in my eyes from early on, anyway, and she looks the same person to me.

She mentioned it's important to make time for yourself and I instantly thought but I do - just for me, dying my eyebrows or even hair, and spending time and money on beauty treatments is really not a priority... I mean if I manage to read a few pages off my book or do a bit of meditation I feel like I've treated myself!

I'm rambling now but wondering if people feel like they've 'let themselves go' if they are not particularly interested in their own looks anymore. My older sister is very bordered I've got white hair now and I'm not doing anything about it!

I am healthy weight but I don't exercise as much as I should. I do think health looks very good on you so I definitely hope to exercise more and eat better.

But is there anything else I'm missing here - do I need to make more effort with my appearance, if not for myself than may be for dc sake, etc?
I guess I was brought up to think vanity is a negative trait and may be I've gone the other end too far?

Op title should've said 'making time for yourself'

I think the important thing is the reason.

If you’re happy, healthy, and comfortable in your own skin and don’t obsess over superficial appearances, then that’s all marvellous.

If however it’s a symptom of low self esteem / self worth, then that’s something worth thinking about.

And the reality is people do judge others on their appearance. First impressions matter.

Thanks- that's a good point.

I guess my reason is

• I'm here only temporary, I'm a tiny spec on the face of the planet, as a female I don't owe males pretty-ness, make up feels like a mask/ chemicals on my skin, my eyebrows do their job just fine even if they are half the size of a 'normal' eyebrow. 😬

I do lack confidence too - usually when I'm in a new/ unknown situation.

My friend is like yours and suffers from chronic low self esteem, she is a married man’s mistress currently. She is always very critical of others appearance as well. I have known her since we were teenagers.

I don’t dye my hair, I became allergic, I’m still slim, I rarely wear makeup, I do get my eyebrows shaped twice a year as I am bad at it. But overall I’m not groomed a lot.

But I have never given a shit what others think, I worked in academia as does DH still. It’s changing and getting a bit more corporate.

My idea of me time is going over the local woods and looking up through the trees and singing to the horses in the field a few mins from my house if no one is about as they like it.

My idea of me time is going over the local woods and looking up through the trees and singing to the horses in the field a few mins from my house if no one is about as they like it.
That sounds so lovely.

You’re not wrong, neither is she. Let’s not put other women down for choosing a different path than you. If you exercise great, if you don’t, no problem. If you like Botox good for you, if you don’t then don’t have it.

I want to get fitter and lose weight for myself, and to feel attractive again. I’m being very lazy though and I wish I was more focussed like your friend.

I wouldn't necessarily say that someone who likes to spend a lot of time and money on their appearance is vain or lacks self esteem. For some (like your friend) it is. For others it's just their preferred way to treat themselves.

Also I'm in my forties, widowed and considering going back on the dating scene as I'd really like to meet someone. Rightly or wrongly I'm definitely doing more to look after myself and look my best than I was when I was a contented married. I think wanting to attract a partner means you kind of need to try a bit harder (or maybe I'm wrong? But that's how I feel).

@Wictc the OP isn't putting her friend down. She asked if because she doesn't prioritise the same things her friend does as 'making time for yourself' does that mean she's letting herself go. They're two very different things.

I have other friends that are very well groomed and are fine but my friends criticism of others if a bit overweight and I mean just a tiddly bit and other comments show some sort of issues for her that’s for sure.

I have definitely let myself go, although DH denies it, bless him. All through my youth I was told that I needed to lose weight, make an effort with myself etc etc, I think eventually I just thought sod it and opted out. I generally hate my body and probably only have my hair cut once a year. Rarely / never wear make up or nice clothes. Me time is reading a book or going out on my bike for a while. Sorry to be a downer!

When women are called brave for going outside without make up on I just think is that all that is remarkable about them. Surely the thoughts in their brains are more interesting.

Hi OP, I've always thought that "letting yourself go" was more to do with looking like a slob - dirty clothes, unkempt hair etc, rather than not wearing makeup or dying your hair.

I'm probably more like your friend. I love makeup and nice clothes and I dye my hair. I make the best of what I've got, but then if I ever bump into anyone I haven't seen for years, It's usually in the supermarket and I'm in my dog walking gear looking like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards, so they probably go home and tell their other half that I've let myself go 😄

Me time is reading and gardening and dog walking here. I know I’d be so much happier carrying less weight but since hitting forties I have no energy too…yet if I did I know I’d feel more peaceful. Not to primp for a man, but to feel good for me. I’d never colour hair or fiddle with eyebrows/do make up/botox/nails/go to spas though and wouldn’t consider any of those things “me” at all.
Is your friend happy overall do you think OP? If so, that’s good.

(My adult DD goes and lays in the horse field with the horses cuddling up with her for her me time.)

My idea of me time is going over the local woods and looking up through the trees and singing to the horses in the field a few mins from my house if no one is about as they like it.

Awww, I love this. I used to sing to my horse but she'd put her ears back and move away from me 🤣🤣 You obviously have a lovely singing voice.

I think making time for yourself is twofold - relaxation but also treating yourself with dignity and respect.

So for relaxation I would add meditation, mindfulness, beauty treatments like facials and massages, time for walks and quiet time for decompression.

Respect overlaps with relaxation but I think it's about fuelling your body the best you can, exercising to move your body in whatever way that feels good to you, going to therapy etc. Finding the time to honour your body and mind in small ways so you always take care of yourself internally and externally even with the craziness that life brings.

That's what exercise becomes to some of us. Not about aesthetics but about the time alone just for ourselves. It feels something of a meditation.

I’m in the same boat @Darkenergy . Good luck x

That's what exercise becomes to some of us. Not about aesthetics but about the time alone just for ourselves. It feels something of a meditation.

I'm absolutely on board with that. I did have my spells of regular exercise and I kept at it for the feeling alone.

Me time for me is going for a run and reading a good book. I can't be bothered with how I look but I feel confident in myself and happy with the way I look (I'm also told quite frequently by my man how attractive I am).

Sounds to me like you're doing fine, although it's hard to be sure.

I don't really relate to the phrase me time, or doing things for myself. I go with the idea that whenever we're in motion, we're replaying existing habits. It's nothing new or different.

My closest behaviour is lots of little timeouts. Frequency varies, but probably at least once a week I think, and subject varies. It could include asking myself if I'm alright, doing what matters, right priorities etc. It can be entirely thoughts/internal monologue or maybe write/type a little note answering a question.

Sometimes it manifests openly, as part of a conversation with others, for a bit of variety and new input to think about.

I am critical of some ideas of what it means to take care of ourselves, I think that's fine actually in the right scenarios, but this isn't one of them & I don't want to drag the thread down that rabbit hole 🤣

^
I am critical of some ideas of what it means to take care of ourselves, I think that's fine actually in the right scenarios, but this isn't one of them & I don't want to drag the thread down that rabbit hole^ 🤣

I'm genuinely curious what people think. I posted in Chat rather than Style and Beauty to get all sorts of perspectives.

Your friend sees 'Letting yourself go' as being appearance related, as she has an emotional need to feel cared for in ways that she can feel and then see when she looks in the mirror. She spends time and money on things that include sensations - the processes, the texture of her hair and skin - and visually in how she looks - and emotionally in that she is spending money on herself, rather than to benefit others because her needs and desires are valuable, her feelings are valid and meeting those reinforces the message in her mind that yes, she is valuable and important in her own life.

Why not rephrase it as 'Letting your needs and happiness go'? Maybe your needs to feel valued, cared for and with purpose are better met by something else?