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Original poster

Can wife be turned into a tidy as they cook person?

67 replies

SealDeal · 13/02/2024 14:54

My lovely partner and I share out house work fairly evenly. She does most of the laundry, we do about half the life admin and half the cleaning each. I do most of the cooking, but she makes the odd meal as well as sometimes doing breakfast for the kid and making herself snacks etc.

And every time she gets in the kitchen she is SOOO so so messy and wasteful. I’m talking loaves of bread with one slice cut left out to go stale, mayonnaise covered spoons plonked down on clean surfaces, packets thrown back into cupboards in a way that means they are guaranteed to fall into the head of the next person to open them, everything left out of the fridge to spoil, six pans used to make pasta and then left all over the worktops to “soak.” It’s like the second she starts eating her food she becomes blind to the mess she’s made… and I genuinely don’t think she can help it, she’s just made that way and acknowledges it’s not ideal!

I’m a tidy as you cook sort of person, always have been and always leave the kitchen clean before going to bed, don’t waste food etc. - just the way I was raised. I have plenty of my own flaws of course (any tips on remedy to put away clothes gratefully received)

So my genuine question is, can she somehow become a tidy as you cook person (and if so how, I don’t want to just nag but I also don’t want to just do it all). Or is it a fixed thing and I’m condemned to a life of following her around putting things away and getting food poisoning?

Lighthearted

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 20:56

BeachBeerBbq · 13/02/2024 15:05

Dh is more clean as you cook person than me, but tbh I still make quarter of the mess you describe. My "might make another" sandwich knife drove him crazy.
I got better because I had to when we moved once into tiny winy kitchen and if you didn't clean as you cooked, you couldn't fit!

Re laundry. If it's clean, just do it, doNOY put it down somewhere or it will become itsnew home... Hard learned lesson here.

It taken 20 years for my husband to not argue about my “might want more toast” knife.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 13/02/2024 21:25

SealDeal · 13/02/2024 14:54

My lovely partner and I share out house work fairly evenly. She does most of the laundry, we do about half the life admin and half the cleaning each. I do most of the cooking, but she makes the odd meal as well as sometimes doing breakfast for the kid and making herself snacks etc.

And every time she gets in the kitchen she is SOOO so so messy and wasteful. I’m talking loaves of bread with one slice cut left out to go stale, mayonnaise covered spoons plonked down on clean surfaces, packets thrown back into cupboards in a way that means they are guaranteed to fall into the head of the next person to open them, everything left out of the fridge to spoil, six pans used to make pasta and then left all over the worktops to “soak.” It’s like the second she starts eating her food she becomes blind to the mess she’s made… and I genuinely don’t think she can help it, she’s just made that way and acknowledges it’s not ideal!

I’m a tidy as you cook sort of person, always have been and always leave the kitchen clean before going to bed, don’t waste food etc. - just the way I was raised. I have plenty of my own flaws of course (any tips on remedy to put away clothes gratefully received)

So my genuine question is, can she somehow become a tidy as you cook person (and if so how, I don’t want to just nag but I also don’t want to just do it all). Or is it a fixed thing and I’m condemned to a life of following her around putting things away and getting food poisoning?

Lighthearted

My OH is a tidy as you cook kinda guy, I am…not. In the 9 years we have been together, try as I might, I am incapable of tidying as I go 😂 I’ll think I’ve done really well, and then come back in the room and it looks like a food bomb has hit it. My OH despairs at my capacity to make a mess - so to answer your question, this is your life now, enjoy!

Original poster
SealDeal · 14/02/2024 11:16

Think I’ll focus on three small things for now.

  1. don’t put dishes in the sink
  2. get out a colander when cooking and put all the vegetable trimmings into it (not on the counters)
  3. Put the bloody mayonnaise back in the fridge

And let the rest go…

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 14/02/2024 11:22

CatamaranViper · 13/02/2024 15:23

If you find a way to do this, let my DH know please.

Even if he was cooking chicken nuggets and chips he'd use every single pot, pan, garlic press, potato ricer, bread machine etc that we own.

Lol are we married to the same person?
It drives me insane. But my DH is just as messy with clothes, post, diy tools and everything else so I've given up hope!

Sophist · 14/02/2024 11:22

Christ, if my husband tried to micromanage my cooking like this, I'd find it unbearable.

HarrietJonesFlydaleNorth · 14/02/2024 11:58

Maybe look at having an agreement on what constitutes a clean and tidy kitchen? And then whoever cooks, it's their responsibility to put the kitchen back to that state afterwards, but they can do it however they want whether that's clean as you go or do it all later (but within and agreed timescale).

You could also have an agreement about tidying clothes away, leaving the bathroom clean, whatever. It's kind of how I work things here with teenagers. I don't care what they do but the room needs to be put back to ground zero ready for the next person to use it.

haggisaggis · 14/02/2024 11:59

I do think it helps if you are both in the kitchen at some point. I have managed to turn ds (24 and living at home currently) into a tidy cook by both 'modelling' how to tidy up as you go and tidying around him when he is cooking so he sees what mess needs to be tidied.

Original poster
SealDeal · 14/02/2024 12:02

Sophist · 14/02/2024 11:22

Christ, if my husband tried to micromanage my cooking like this, I'd find it unbearable.

It’s not about micro managing her cooking, it’s about ensuring that our shared spaces aren’t rendered unusable and that the food we and the kids eat isn’t off because it’s been left out / three jars of the same thing have been opened.

OP posts:
CarpetSlipper · 14/02/2024 16:01

I don’t know if it’s possible to change. I’m a tidy cook, DP isn’t. His food tastes nicer and is far better presented than mine though.

NothingChanges678 · 14/02/2024 16:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Loubelle70 · 14/02/2024 16:10

I clean as i go along. If ex was in kitchen odd time cooking i would stay out because it sent me marsha marsha.
I also hated the 'leave knife out incase want another sandwich '....its not is it? Its what i call ' gotta eat now cant do anything until eaten'...i think i have an issue with it...i had an ex who was greedy...and world ending if he didn't get food 'now'...only time he was happy..and drinking

stayathomer · 14/02/2024 16:19

Stop making excuses for a supposedly grown adult.

No-one is made that way unless they were made in a pigsty.
yikes!

BertieBotts · 14/02/2024 16:19

This is me, it's part of ADHD for me. It's not that I don't have patience to the boring bit after I get to the nice bit, it's more that I tend to totally separate out the task of cleaning up from the task of making a sandwich/food etc. So I don't see all that mess because it's not relevant to the task of making a sandwich, it's a cleaning up task which I've compartmentalised as "not my job right now".

To change it I had to re-spec the task of cooking/making a sandwich in order to include the cleaning up part. That's not really something you can do for someone else unless you are somehow in charge of them, which is not really a healthy relationship thing.

But I agree that it's much easier to see the mess etc when the kitchen isn't a total disaster. If the dishwasher and food waste bins have space to put things in at all times, then I can put things into them as I go, and if the counters are clear then it looks really obvious when I have left something out. Conversely if the place where the bread (etc) lives is very cluttered and hard to put things in then it is even more of an uphill struggle than it usually is and I'm more likely to go oh FFS and just leave it.

Likewise if there is a trail of tuna oil and that is just one thing on a totally messy/gross counter, then I won't think anything of that because it's part of the "clean the counters" job which is not what I'm doing NOW, I'm making a sandwich.

vs when the counter is really clean and the tuna stands out in the middle of it, and there's a clean cloth by the sink I'm so much more likely to quickly grab that cloth and wipe up the spill.

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 14/02/2024 16:20

I’m a tidy as I cook person (no dishwasher so it makes sense to me), Dh is not and never will be. He is chaotic artistic in the kitchen.

It is a little frustrating at times but I adore him so put up with his slightly frustrating bits same as he does with me.

BertieBotts · 14/02/2024 16:23

My problem with cleaning up as I go is that I can't multi-task in this kind of way as I have shit working memory so I'll get engrossed in the cleaning task and forget about the cooking task.

If I am to clean as I go then it has to be absolutely minimal effort required so that I am not task switching back and forth between cleaning and preparing food as this is too complicated and will result in the food not getting made.

GingerIsBest · 14/02/2024 16:27

Personally, I think it's less bout being a messy cook and more about leaving the mess for you.

I am somewhere between the two of you in terms of cooking - my sister manages to keep her kitchen almost entirely spotless while preparing a meal and I am definitely NOT that. But as a rule, I'll be loading the dishwasher, throwing away empty packets/vegetable peelings etc as I go so while there is a mess at the end, it's usually fairly manageable.

But I also do 90% of the cleaning up after while Dh does other tasks - laundry, bathing of DC, picking up dog poo, general house tidying. I find it just massively reduces overall irritation and resentment from both of us. And once I'm done with the post-dinner clear up, the kitchen is SPOTLESS.

BarrelOfOtters · 14/02/2024 20:14

My dh is a tidy as he cooks person…I’ve got better by realising that it’s nicer to clean as you go and sit down to eat not surrounded by mess. I’m about 7 out of 10 now when I was 3/10…..

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