Feeling dread about meeting this old friend

[BrassCandlestick]

I have a very old friend, S, who I've known for 40 years, since we were teenagers. We were close growing up but at age 20 she had a relationship with my sister's (recent) ex, which caused a bit of distance between us and was not great fro my sister. S and I kept connected over the years even though she has always lived outside of the UK since this time. This was mostly due to her diligence (some might say persistence) in letter writing. I have appreciated her friendship but I find her quite nosey in mine and my family's business at times. She has a strange relationship with her parents (we are all white British, for context) where she has remained so close to them as to be emotionally and financially dependent on them quite a lot, even though her parents often tell her they want her to be more independent and they frequently have massive yelling arguments about it.

We were in regular touch (talking once or twice a year) then when covid hit she went full conspiracist, attacking people on SM who didn't agree with the videos she was posting. I felt very uncomfortable and didn't contact her for quite a while.
We have been in touch again, a phone call and some messages every now and again.

Yesterday she contacted me to say she'd found out that I was going to be in a city a couple of hours from where she lives. She asked to meet me and I sent some options, then she said how hurt she was that I hadn't told her myself that I was going to be in her country. I'm only there for 4 days, visiting my cousin, and actually I've been there before a few times over the past ten years but never felt the urge to meet S.

Now I feel even less keen to meet her. I'm not a teenager any more and I think it's bad manners for her to imply I have a duty to tell her when I'm in the same country as her. She actually was very sweet when I had a breakup a few years back and I keep trying to hold onto that; but she is very intense and I feel deeply uncomfortable about seeing her. It's making me feel unsettled about my trip.

In Chat so that it doesn't stick around, but maybe it's an AIBU really....

Just block her and move on with your life

What are you getting from this "friendship"? As @bastin says, you could just block her.

Or, for cowards like me, I would tell her I was fully committed to activities with my cousin on this trip, but would tell her when I was visiting next.

And then, in a while, I would unfriend her.

Thanks for your answers. It's not a matter of blocking or unfriending her. We are not connected on SM, but she is friendly with my everyone in my family (although not as closely as she is with me) and her parents visit my parents occasionally. Sorry if I didn't give that for context. Her brother has asked if he can come and visit me, I've not seen him for 15 years. That's how she found out I was visiting her country. So our families are connected, if loosely, and I can't wipe her from my life.

Is she coming to the city you're in or expecting you to take time out of your 4 days to travel to her? That would impact on my decision, personally.

She's coming to the city I'm visiting. I thought I might just invite her to join my cousin and I for lunch and hope she doesn't go too deep or embarrassing (she has a habit of this) but my cousin is very chilled and is also a very fascinating and eccentric person so the cousin may well top trumps S!

I think sometimes just being vague and distant can get the message across. At least if she's in a different country it makes life easier for the friendship to dwindle off. I had a friend literally communicate to me that she didn't want our friendship anymore - brave! But... tbh, I would have rather she just became less available and let things taper off organically, I would have picked up eventually and let it go.
I think by being unavailable and vague about meeting up, it avoids confrontations and usually (if the other person has half a brain) they realise they are not a priority in your life and will be a little hurt, but get the message.
Some friends are for our entire life. Some are there for a chapter. We can't always explain it, but sometimes we just drift.

Oh I couldn't be bothered with that. My best friend lives a fair distance from me. She comes to visit her parents and her large extended family. I don't expect her to visit me everytime she comes down. Her family are her priority and she doesn't see them often. Tell S your busy.

Yeah it is strange you didn't give her a shout when in her city; after all, you've been 'pen pals' for a while. Of course it makes sense to meet up if an opportunity arises. This is what friends do. Especially if you've not seen each other for a while. Therefore if you 'don't feel the urge' just be honest and do each of you a favour. No more wasting her and your time if you're not her friend anymore.

If you want to see her, invite her to lunch, as you say, with your cousin. If you are feeling uncomfortable, just say that after you thought through your availability and how to fit everything in, you realise it's just too much on this trip to see her as well as you are mainly there for your cousin/family. Just keep saying, no sorry, next time! if she persists in asking. It's no big deal and you don't need to 'block and delete' as people suggest (do people really do this? 😂)

It's not strange to me; it's not her city. She lives 2 hrs away. And I don't really want to see her, which is why I didn't even think about telling her. I can't deal with all the hurt feelings she's expressing.