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Original poster

Advice regarding dying relative

20 replies

WetWetWett · 13/02/2024 11:57

Not sure where else to post this, but looking for advice as I'm very torn.

To cut a long story short, DGM has been ill for some years, cancer and other ailments. Over the last few months she has deteriorated significantly. She's in her 80's, was very positive about things, but is fairly distant at this point due to medication and deterioration of her condition. I saw her back in September, I live 100 mile round trip away, work full time and have a young child so it's normal for visits to be sporadic. She seemed well enough, mobile, chatting and mentally very 'there'.

She is now bed bound, cannot have a conversation at all, is very rarely actively conscious and from what my DF has told me, is unrecognisable from the lady I saw a matter of months ago.

She has just been given days to live and is on end of life care.

My question is - do I visit?

I'm concerned that seeing her the way she is now will take away the image of the active, bubbly, chatty lady I know as my DGM. However, I'm also concerned that I will regret not seeing her. She wouldn't know either way, she's fairly non responsive.

Please could I have experience/advice of those who may have been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2024 12:02

I held my grandmother's hand as she slipped away, it was the privilege of my life (and lucky timing)!

She had been unresponsive for days but I was very much responsive and it meant the world to be there with my mum and my uncle as we saw her leave this world peacefully.

The care home had smooth fm on the radio so I was humming oldies and it was an entirely pleasant experience.

If it's doable, I think it's priceless thing to do. I lived locally and my DP was home to cover childcare so not everyone can do it of course.

Original poster

WetWetWett · 13/02/2024 12:11

@MorrisZapp that sounds lovely, as lovely as can be in such a situation.

Thank you for your insight. It helps a lot to see the positives of being there. I'm sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

MagpiePi · 13/02/2024 12:11

You will still have the memories of your grandma as a bubbly, chatty character and this will become another memory of her if you visit now. I think that it will help if you are prepared and know that she will be looking very frail, but I hope she will also look peaceful.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

SollaSollew · 13/02/2024 12:12

Hi @WetWetWett firstly I'm really sorry, it sounds like she's a wonderful grandma.

I lost my dad just before Christmas, I live 5 hours away from where he was in hospital and it was 48 hours in CICU from arriving to when he died and I was basically on my own with only my dsis on facetime. In the end we had to make the decision to turn off life support so it was pretty horrible beginning to end.

However I would not have changed being there, while it's taking a while to process it all I went with a "no regrets" approach to the whole thing so if I felt that I might wish I'd done something later, I did it (e.g. I took photos of him, asked lots of questions of the medical staff to understand exactly what had happened, didn't really live his side etc.) .

It's helped now, as though I have some memories of him looking and being totally unlike my Dad, it's only added to not taken away the other lovely memories i have of him. Having been there to take care of him at the last and say goodbye is something I wouldn't change for the world.

BrightLightTonight · 13/02/2024 12:12

I always believe that you regret the things you don’t do rather than the thibgs you do.

Original poster

WetWetWett · 13/02/2024 12:14

Thank you everyone - sorry for everyone's losses.

It's definitely helping see things as a positive, and that my memories won't be overshadowed if I do visit.

OP posts:

clarepetal · 13/02/2024 12:15

Totally up to you. The nice thing having the choice is that you can hold her hand and tell her that you love her. Even if she is out of it, it would be nice to know that you have told her. It is horrible seeing your loved one in a bad state, but those memories do fade (although not completely dissappear, so if you find it traumatic, maybe not). I apply this to my dad when he died as I watched him deteriorate. Although I remember when his own father died, he was given the choice to visit him to say goodbye and declined saying "that's not my dad" and he had no regrets.
Love to you during this hard time.

cerisepanther73 · 13/02/2024 12:17

@WetWetWett
My experience is even though it was initially distressing when i saw how much weight he losed he was unrecognisable my ex partner father of my children,

when I was tel out of the blue by the care home he was at to rush over to see him before he died,

I am glad i was there too be by him
So he wasn't on his own and
I know if it had been the other way around and i was in that situation
he would have done everything to be my side

spanishviola · 13/02/2024 12:17

Even though she doesn’t appear to be conscious she will be able to hear your voice and may well know that you are there. I’d take the opportunity to go and say goodbye and tell her how much you love her. It has helped me with grief. The good memories come back after a while so you won’t lose them.

AnnaMagnani · 13/02/2024 12:17

Whatever ever you do will be right.

Some people want to be there at the last moment. Others don't. There isnt a best way, just what feels right. And what is right for you will be wrong for someone else.

Original poster

WetWetWett · 13/02/2024 12:19

Thank you all.

I think I'm worried about feeling guilty if I don't go, but from what you have all said, it's a very personal choice.

I was very young when I last lost a close relative that wasn't 'out of the blue' so I haven't had to prepare for a death for a long time, especially not in my adult life (I'm 28). This is so tough.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2024 12:19

Oh thank you! But no need to be sorry for my loss, gran was 92 and very ready to leave the party. She was a pocket rocket and we loved her so dearly, but her later years became sad. I won't be so brave when it's my parents' time to go, that feels like another thing entirely. Hand hold to everyone going through this, there's no right way to do it.

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/02/2024 12:23

Personally I was glad I saw my grandmother the day before she died - I did a mad dash from Portugal to Northumberland. It gives you a sense of closure and, while she may not be able to respond, she may well be able to hear you.

You will also be there for your father (is she his mum?) who may need someone to lean on.

Original poster

WetWetWett · 13/02/2024 12:28

@Eyesopenwideawake I think closure would be nice.

Yes, she's my dads mother. We are all very close, there's a lot of support, which is nice. My dad has said he's ok with it, he said it's her time, she's fought hard but she has no quality of life anymore. She's merely existing. I think he's ready for it all to be over and her be at peace.

OP posts:

NotMyFinestMoment · 13/02/2024 12:28

Hearing is often the last thing to go and having you there will bring great comfort. If you can be there, I think you should.

AnnaMagnani · 13/02/2024 13:07

It's not fair to say 'should'.

I have absolutely no regrets about not being with my Dad when he died.

Loads of people saying 'were you there?' was then deeply upsetting as neither I or my Dad wanted me there, didn't mean we weren't amazingly close, it just wasn't right for us.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/02/2024 14:04

I sat with my best friend for three weeks while she was dying. She went from being able to talk, to a pressure of hand and a nod to unresponsive. However we were assured she could hear us and could feel our hands when we were holding hers. I am glad I was there for her and that I was with her when she died. But, it has to be something you want to do. It's not for everyone

Recycledblonde · 14/02/2024 12:51

I saw my Father in hospital about 8 hours before he died, he had deteriorated hugely over the six weeks he was in hospital going from a pleasantly confused 85 year old to a screaming out in ?pain, grabbing onto us, not recognising anyone, a totally unrecognisable man. On the day he died he was given increasing doses of morphine (with our agreement) to manage pain and agitation and he was totally unresponsive. I sat and held his hand for a couple of hours and he died during the night. In those days you couldn't stay with people in hospital and I had young children and a full-time job.
Despite his last 6 weeks being hell, 18 years down the line, I still remember him as the loving, kind Dad with the biggest beaming smile. And I'm glad I saw him on the last day of a life well lived. My sister was unwell and didn't visit that day and really regrets not seeing him.

Kerfuffleplunk · 14/02/2024 14:46

it was one of the most upsetting things about covid for me not to be able to see my DGM before she died. It's such a personal thing but generally I would say go unless you strongly feel you shouldn't. I worked in a hospice though so I think its equally an important time in your life as a birth. If we experience the positive things about saying goodbye to our very elderly relatives then it can make less daunting/ "unknown" for us when we have to say goodbye to our parents, spouses, siblings.

TheSnootiestFox · 14/02/2024 14:51

Well, I'm currently sat here in tears having flashbacks to watching my mum die last month and her struggling to breathe and her tongue turning black in front of me. She desperately wanted to die in her own bed with her cat with her, and I made sure that happened but I think I've given myself PTSD in doing so. Entirely up to you, but watching someone die isn't always a peaceful and fluffy experience.

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