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Should I ask this man to see this band?

25 replies

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 07:46

I know him through parkrun. He's nice enough for a brief friendly chat but I wouldn't say we have any great connection, in fact I sometimes get the feeling he's a bit nervous/scared of me.

I have a group of friends who I go to see local bands with, this man occasionally comes along, but isn't one of the core. He's quite particular about which bands he wants to see!

Anyway one of my favourites is playing in a local pub this weekend, the rest of the group are all busy. I happen to know that they are also one of this man's favourites.

So this is more about wanting to see the band than wanting to spend the evening with him, although I'm sure it would be a perfectly good evening.

I have asked him to things twice before and he's said no, with (what sounded like) pretty genuine reasons. He did say yes when I asked him in for a cuppa on the way home after a Christmas do (he lives near me, we were walking home). I was shocked that he did, I'd expected him to say no. I asked because he wouldn't stop talking at the end of my drive and I was getting cold 😆 Anyway he came in, we chatted over a cuppa for about an hour and a half, he shared lots of stuff about his childhood and peronal life, maybe a bit too much, he left, I haven't seen him much since.

So, it's definitely not a date. If he was a female friend/acquaintance I'd definitely ask, but he isn't and however much we'd like to believe it makes no difference, it does.

We're both single, in our 50s, if that's relevant.

So do I ask and if so how do I say it's just us, but I'm definitely not suggesting a date?

OP posts:
10ThousandSpoons · 13/02/2024 07:47

Are you sure it's not a date?

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 07:49

10ThousandSpoons · 13/02/2024 07:47

Are you sure it's not a date?

I am sure, yes.

OP posts:
nottojog · 13/02/2024 07:52

You don't sound like you particularly like him (friend or otherwise). I don't think you should ask him just because your other friends are busy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

SnakesAndArrows · 13/02/2024 07:53

Just say something like “Are you going to see X?” and see what happens with the conversation. You can go to the gig on your own though, surely?

TeabySea · 13/02/2024 07:53

Perhaps mention to him that the specific band are playing, that you're going, and if he is, you could meet for a drink.
If you open with "Do you want to come with me...?" that sounds a bit more open to interpretation as a potential date.

TeabySea · 13/02/2024 07:54

SnakesAndArrows · 13/02/2024 07:53

Just say something like “Are you going to see X?” and see what happens with the conversation. You can go to the gig on your own though, surely?

X-posted with you.
Captures it much better than my ramble .

goingrouge · 13/02/2024 07:56

Is there a group chat you could ask in? Even if you know others are busy you can say you want to see the band and is anyone up for going. Less date-like and less awkward.

Aecor · 13/02/2024 07:57

SnakesAndArrows · 13/02/2024 07:53

Just say something like “Are you going to see X?” and see what happens with the conversation. You can go to the gig on your own though, surely?

This.

GoodGollyMissM · 13/02/2024 08:14

You don't sound keen on him and he sounds nervous around you. Why are you even considering this?

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:15

No he's not in the band group.

I don't dislike him, I like him as member of the group, were just not especially close.

OP posts:
Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:20

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:15

No he's not in the band group.

I don't dislike him, I like him as member of the group, were just not especially close.

You've never asked an aquaintance to go to something just because you'd like to go and you thought they might too? Isn't that how friends are made?

OP posts:
Aecor · 13/02/2024 08:24

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:20

You've never asked an aquaintance to go to something just because you'd like to go and you thought they might too? Isn't that how friends are made?

It’s just that you don’t sound that keen on him. You were taken aback when he accepted your token offer of a cup of tea and overshared about his childhood and personal life.

Him being male makes no difference — I have made new male friends over the last few years and I’m 51. We do things together. No one thought anyone was asking someone out.

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:40

Aecor · 13/02/2024 08:24

It’s just that you don’t sound that keen on him. You were taken aback when he accepted your token offer of a cup of tea and overshared about his childhood and personal life.

Him being male makes no difference — I have made new male friends over the last few years and I’m 51. We do things together. No one thought anyone was asking someone out.

I was only taken aback because he usually says no and he's seemed nervous around me, but obviously not as nervous as I thought.

OP posts:
OceanicBoundlessness · 13/02/2024 08:46

You could just ask him and say you'd asked the others too but have a feeling they're busy. So he knows you're looking for company and there's a chance it will just be you and him but you've invited him as part of an open invitation to everyone.

Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:47

OceanicBoundlessness · 13/02/2024 08:46

You could just ask him and say you'd asked the others too but have a feeling they're busy. So he knows you're looking for company and there's a chance it will just be you and him but you've invited him as part of an open invitation to everyone.

Yes, that's the kind of thing I was thinking.

"There's a possibility x might come, but in the interests of transparency, I think most people are busy".

OP posts:
Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:48

If x did come, he would invite this friend.

OP posts:
Getonnow · 13/02/2024 08:49

X would like to come but he has weather dependant plans. He'll come if they get rained off.

OP posts:
Getonnow · 14/02/2024 08:21

Oh well, I went for it and sent what I thought was a chatty friendly message yesterday evening. It's showing as unread, despite him having been active loads 🤣

OP posts:
Ginandjuice57884 · 14/02/2024 08:24

Just say it's not a date! No room for ambiguity there.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 08:29

Maybe he's read the preview and is agonising over whether it's a date or not!

Fwiw, I'd have asked him too.

Getonnow · 14/02/2024 08:31

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 08:29

Maybe he's read the preview and is agonising over whether it's a date or not!

Fwiw, I'd have asked him too.

I did say not a date and also that it's possible (but not likely) another mutual friend might come, to reinforce that.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 08:37

Getonnow · 14/02/2024 08:31

I did say not a date and also that it's possible (but not likely) another mutual friend might come, to reinforce that.

I wouldn't worry about it then.

Maybe he wasn't in a position to commit either way right then and didn't want to leave you 'on read' which (according to my kids) is a huge faux pas! 😅

I just wouldn't read too much into him not having read it whilst having been online. There could be loads of reasons for that, as I'm sure you're aware. I hope he goes with you though - its always great to find a new gig buddy!

Getonnow · 14/02/2024 09:55

FGS, he's replied now, with a friendly response and a "should be able to make it" answer. Grrr, I hate that from anyone.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 11:16

Getonnow · 14/02/2024 09:55

FGS, he's replied now, with a friendly response and a "should be able to make it" answer. Grrr, I hate that from anyone.

Me too! 😅

It does sound like he'll go though.

Have fun!

DrunkenElephant · 14/02/2024 11:21

Getonnow · 14/02/2024 09:55

FGS, he's replied now, with a friendly response and a "should be able to make it" answer. Grrr, I hate that from anyone.

Me too! I always take it a yes though and would reply something like “Great! Shall we meet at 8pm at x place?”

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