Why exactly do people struggle so much with widows?

[Getonnow]

I lost DH nearly 4 years ago. It was/is devastating for me and our children (young adult) but I've done my best to support them and build a new life for myself. I'm pretty proud of what I've achieved TBH.

I've sold the ridiculous flashy car that he loved and bought myself something more practical that I love (the first time I'd ever bought a car myself😯)

I've changed my job to earn more money and gain flexibility for my other interests

I've made new friends and have a busy social life with a lovely mixed group of single people

I've upped my training in a sport I love and am starting to see results

I've been on a number of trips, with DC, with friends and alone

I've had some male attention, but nothing serious and that's how I like it for now

You'd think people, especially fellow women and friends would be pleased to see me thriving, wouldn't you....?

I am not aware of anyone having any problem with widows?

Sounds brilliant. I dont see the problem?

You've really not given the full scenario. Who's not pleased to see it? Why do you think it's a problem with widows in general.

Its half a story. More context is really needed

I thought you were going to say everyone disappeared.

Are so called friends making snide remarks that you’re enjoying yourself too much?

As a lifelong novel reader my understanding is that lone women are perceived as a threat, and treated with a degree of suspicion in mixed social groups.

They think you want their husband or something.

That's exactly it. The people I thought were my good friends disappeared. I worked really hard to build a new social network and now old friends are being all snidey about me "living it up".

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. But it looks like you're doing a great job in re-focusing on yourself.

To be honest, I think a lot of people struggle to make sense of any women who thrive in life without men. I think being a widow adds an additional layer of complexity to it but I do think its part of a general discomfort with women who can do well without men.

I think you're right, but it has surprised me that women seem to struggle with it more than men.

Despite Queen Victoria being incredibly dead, I think as a society we still hold on to her model of life-long mourning as something of an ideal for widows.
Women who don't fit with that model are treated with much suspicion.

There is an outdated perception about how widows are supposed to behave.
You sound amazing and strong.
These people are not good friends. Have nothing more to do with them.

That wasn't my experience but on reflection I was quite secretive between different groups as to how I was living my life. I didn't experience much if any judgment about the way I was living, though some about the death which was very painful.

I also wrote some pieces about my views of the image of a widow and the things I was doing to conform to that publicly, while actually feeling and in certain ways behaving, very differently at times. Writing helped a lot throughout.

I would just ask as well, are the friends commenting to your face? If not, who's telling you about the comments?

I’m really sorry about your experiences. I came on to make sure I wasn’t making mistakes with a friend of mine. She’s doing brilliantly. I was dismayed by some comments she’d received from ‘friends’.

I think some people say things to minimise it so they don’t have to worry about you. Others want to know that they are better off in their crap relationships than on their own- so need you to look miserable. Others again want you to need them. They can’t manage balanced relationships.

You’re doing what works for you, so well done!

I haven't found this so much, my friends seem happy I'm happy. The discomfort I think was more about mentioning my husband, there was a point about six months after he died where no-one ever mentioned him, but since then I've started going on about him if appropriate and relevant to the conversation (e.g. if we are talking about relationships).

Are there one or two people who are judgy? I don't have judgy friends, they don't sound so great so I'm not sure what you are losing there.

I’m sorry for your loss OP and to hear that this is the experience you have had. My dad died when I was 18 and my mum about 45 and she didn’t have any of what you described. She had a definite ’mourning period’ but then started getting back to normal, going back to all the groups she had been part of before and socialising with her friends, who had all been incredibly supportive. I have no advice but please know that we aren’t all like your old friends.

Interestingly my mum has now also died, meaning I had lost both my parents by the time I was 35. There is a definite ‘vibe’ I get from people that I haven’t mourned correctly, that the piss poor relationship I have with my brother is 100% on me (it isn’t and we have never fallen out we are just different people so don’t talk) and is my responsibility to fix, and that I should be a crumbling mess, not a well functioning member of society. I feel like people are just waiting for me to turn have a breakdown.