To start I do have bipolar disorder but I’m medicated and “stable”.
Feeling so deflated & sorry for myself. I wish someone could give me a slap and tell me to pull up my big girl pants.
I genuinely am trying everything I can to be positive - I’m meditating, doing online CBT, affirmations & counting my blessings.
But it’s just not working, it normally does the trick but not at the moment.
Every area of my life is affected, I’m not working due to significant health issues - I’m a HCP & work massively helps my mental health, I feel guilty being off with the NHS pressures and feel so helpless that I’m not there.
It’s leaking into my life as a lone parent - the guilt I feel for not being a fully active mum. I do as much as I can, we do things like “sleepovers” camping in the living room, movies, art and on my good days more. I feel like I’m failing them when their friends do so much more.
I have massive family issues which I think is a massive cause of this mood and blip.
I was raised by my grandparents as my mum felt no bond or love towards me.
My siblings were raised by my parents.
I do get on with my dad but he’s stuck in what’s an emotionally abusive marriage and he won’t ever leave. They’re very religious and put on a front, they don’t believe in divorce.
My heart breaks for him and I’ve tried sticking up for him but it just ignites more toxic arguments. I try talking to him when we’re alone but he just shuts down, I worry about him he’s lost so much weight and there’s just no emotion behind the eyes, he’s obviously just given up & it’s most going to take toll on his body. His dad had a fatal heart attack at 60, my dad’s 63.
I keep civil for the sake of my children, they adore them, my mum shows love which I’ve never known and my boys seem happy seeing them and I don’t want to stop that.
I know my dad enjoys their company too.
Last night I was invited to a WhatsApp group for my sisters hen party, a posh do - it’s the day after I’m having major surgery and will obviously be in hospital. They know this.
Even though I know I wouldn’t like it and would be a martyr going if I could, but it’s just the principle of it. The wedding isn’t for months but this is in the next few weeks at this convenient date where I can’t make it 😔
I massively rebelled and have bright hair and piercings and speak my mind so I’m 100% the black sheep 😂 but I have a massive heart and would help anyone - I’d like to think.
I’ve had years of being gaslit and asked “am I taking my meds”.
I should walk away but I keep stupidly putting myself in these situations where I’m hurt.
This is massively long and not expecting anyone to actually get to the end! I suppose I just needed somewhere to come and rant anonymously.
New day tomorrow and all that.