How does grandparenting look if you are overseas?

[OverseasLiving]

A couple of years ago, my dd went travelling abroad, and found a country and a city that she loved. She has never been more happy she has a job she loves, a lifestyle that means she can do all the things she enjoys, and great friends and a wonderful partner.

So as a mum although I miss her dearly I am thrilled for her, and as I say to her my one desire for her and her siblings is that they are happy.

Now she is looking at having a family, and the only fly in the ointment for her is not having mum round the corner, to support and be hands on, which she knows I would, and be a part of the grandchildren lives.

i have said look there are ways that a relationship with the grandchildren can be nurtered. Such as holidays, with the kids coming to me or me going to them or both.

But we can’t really see how this works - unfortunately our only personal experience is my grandparents emigrated (to a different country) and I visited them twice in my life before they passed and they never returned.

How does grandparenting look in your family if there’s a distance involved? I presume things are different at different stages - new born, pre school, school years, teenage years etc

My dd is a planner she likes to understand how things would work, and I think if we came up with a plan that would make her content.

I have a 10 month old and she has Irish grandparents - we do a video call every Sunday and they come over to visit for the weekend every 3 months or so.
Her cousin (their other grandchild) lives in Australia and they have visited 4 times for 3 weeks at a time. He is 3 and a half and they seem to have a good relationship, so much so that he was happy to stay with them at their house in Ireland while his parents went to Portugal on holiday for a week.

I grew up in England and all four of my grandparents lived in Australia. I saw them every two years or so. They were in their seventies and not capable of travelling to see us, so we were limited by cost, time and (as I grew older) school holidays, exams etc.

My last grandparent died when I was in my mid twenties. While I was sad, I can't pretend that I was devastated or really impacted by it because we barely had a relationship.

My grandparents were overseas growing up and they were amazing! Bearing in mind this was before cheap flights, internet etc.

We alternated between them coming over for 2 weeks one year, and us going over the next. Combined it with a holiday so we saw loads of both countries.

My GM would go nuts with the gift giving pointing out she only saw me rarely so didn't hold back when she did.

Honestly, it depends on the grandparents.
Mine, for example, have golden wonder living round the corner from them. They never call unless birthdays, I'm expected to. When they do, they're not particularly interested in hearing what my DC have been up to, to the point where my Dc rarely bother to come to the screen any more. They visit once every couple of years and moan about the DC making noise or playing on their screens. Yet, they expect Dc to be quiet and not take part in "adult" conversations. Unfortunately we can't leave the DC with them so they can't and won't take them out any where. My DC are pre/teen age now and are well aware their Gp's aren't interested in them.

I have a friend who sent her Dc home to her mum for a month every summer from age 4. Mum and MIL visited for a month-6 weeks (in one go) every year. Dad and FIL came for a week or two within that time. Covered holidays, took day trips, helped with running house etc etc.

I have another friend who tries to get back once a year or goes to visit a sibling in an other country and parents join them there. Her parents come twice a year for a week or two at a time, over school holidays so both parents can work. They take the kids out for trips etc and look after them/household the whole time they're over.

My DC have a much better relationship with the IL's who are local. However, I really don't think this is an issue of distance. If you have a good relationship with your DD, and are willing to compromise, you will be fine.

If she lives somewhere where another language is spoken (or her partner speaks) start learning it now.
Understand that they will need time together as a family on holiday and that not every one of their holidays can be a trip "back home".
If you go somewhere on holiday together maybe consider if different accommodation is easier for them (my PIL do this, it's soooo much easier in the evenings) than all together in one (as my parents insist).

When we were abroad I came back to the UK with the kids twice a year (including about a month in the summer!) and both sets of grandparents visited once or twice a year. Regular video calls.

In a way, its no different from living at the ther end of the country.

I should also say my GPs abroad had been pretty awful parents.

Being abroad allowed them to be excellent GPs - we only saw them for short periods for which generally the adults could manage to behave. The over the top spoiling was fine as it was short visits. We had stuff to do as it was a holiday.

There basically wasn't the opportunity for all the GP grief so often posted about on Mumsnet as everyone was on their best behaviour.

Both sets of my children’s grandparents live on the other side of the world. DC adore their grandparents- they have video calls on the weekends, send each other voice messages during the week (time difference is too much to have calls!), send each other cards and birthday presents. Last year we got to visit both sets and the children were thrilled to see them all, despite not having met for 3-4 years before that. They were very comfortable around them, and regular video calls have been a big part of that.

I do sometimes envy people whose parents are involved in their children’s day to day lives, but it is what it is. If you put in the effort, a strong relationship can still be built.

Regular phone calls and FaceTiming regularly with everyone.

How far away are you? When we were a 90 min flight away, my mum came roughly every 6 weeks for a long weekend and I would also visit her 2-3 times a week.

Now my children are older so in school and we are an 8 hour flight away. My mum comes twice a year for about 3 weeks each time and I go home for the full summer holidays.

When my children were younger I did lots of FaceTime with my mum and showed her them playing etc, and she interacted with them as much as they wanted - little children don’t always want to be on a zoom call.

Now they both have iPads through which they message her. This varies but is usually a few times a week but can be multiple messages a day for days in a row. It depends what’s happening in their lives that they want to share with her.

For me, I’ve definitely missed out on hands on help. But my children have a wonderful relationship with her which I don’t think would be any better if we lived closer. It does take effort on both sides though.

“In a way, its no different from living at the ther end of the country.”

And this.

I think it is about quality rather than quantity. I was close to my grandmother who lived in Europe but not to my grandparents who lived in the UK. This is because we had every summer with my grandmother in Europe and she would often come to stay with us for 3 months (even if that tested my own mother’s patients!). When we saw our grandmother she would bake for us, which sounds like a small thing, but that is what we remember!

My mum is a nanny to children the same age as her grandson. It fills the void in some small way I suppose...

There was the Covid chaos, then my DS started school, there were new jobs, illnesses and all of it combined made it very difficult to travel for quite a few years. This summer we are finally going to visit our Grandma for the first time in 5 years.

I had huge love and lots of time from my Grandparents when growing up and I do feel a painful pang in my heart that my son will never experience it.

I had ds when we lived abroad. I didn't work so was able to travel back and forth as I wanted to (maybe 3 or 4 times a year?). Once preschool started, that went down to about twice a year, but it was fine. DS has the best relationship with all his GPs. Quality, not quantity! Lots of video calls, WhatsApp and pics can help.

This.
We are 75 minutes and 2.5 hours away from the GP. So not popping in round the corner etc and a bit of hands on support in the week of a baby arriving but that was it.

We have done holidays together which helps but I also find the gp aren't really that interested in the DGC they are interested in their own DC. Maybe that's just mine
I also internally seethe somewhat that both my DM and DMIL had huge support from their mothers when they had small kids, with babysitting for long periods when they swanned off abroad, my kids have been looked after overnight by GP about 10 nights total in 16 years
And my ILs have never had all
Of my kids together

We dragged (now 16 y.o.) DS across the Atlantic away from his grandparents when he was 2 and a half. He has no recollection of a time when he spent loads of time with them, but my parents certainly do. Needless to say, Skype and telephone are a blessing.

I wish they would have visited more often than they did (only once every couple of years), but we made an effort to travel to them at least once if not twice a year. When we do visit, we stay with them a solid month. So I'd like to think that they get as many "contact hours" with their grandchild as some do despite living in the same country but only see them a few hours every few weeks.

It depends how far away they are. If it's the other side of the world it's a bit trickier. An hour or so flight go every couple of months.

It really depends on the distance, Australia is very different to France. It just won't be the same is the quick answer. You won't have the same bond and she won't have anything like the support. I did it with my mum 6000 miles away and seeing her every 6 months. My kids are now a bit older and they honestly really aren't connected to her.

My DD has GP's who live in 2 different countries and she is in the UK. One pair live in Spain, we visit once a year for 10 days and they come over once or twice a year too. Also lots of texting and video calls . They moved abroad before she was born so it's normal to her and she has a great relationship with them. . Her other GP's live in the middle east and don't speak english, DD also doesn't speak their language. Her dad used to take her to visit once a year but she never heard from them outside of that. Basically it's all down to putting in the effort on all sides.

I think it depends very much on the individuals and circumstances involved. DD's paternal grandparents moved abroad when she was 4 (she's now 9). They were very close when she was little however they haven't once come back to visit her (no health or financial issues that would prevent this) and they don't call her or even really message to ask after her/show any interest n her. Our situation is probably complicated by the fact that I'm no longer with their son (DD's dad) who now also lives abroad with them and makes very little effort himself to maintain contact with DD. As a result they don't have a close relationship now.

However, you seem lovely and invested in maintaining a relationship which makes all the difference.

Once a week zoom call. Then grandparent books into accommodation once year for 4 weeks and we have a load of traditions like hire a row boat, eat a sunday roast, go to a particular summer fair, have an ice cream at a location.

My kids say the have as many nice memories with abroad grandparents as around the corner ones. It feels special to them wheras the gradparents that pop over weekly they just see as part of the furniture.

I moved abroad a long time ago, when flights within Europe were still expensive. When we had kids, we visited the UK at least once a year and my parents came here too. We spoke every week on the phone - Grandad would help the kids with their homework, even though it was in a foreign language. As the kids got older, they would go and stay with my parents for 2-3 weeks in summer. Once Easyjet started flying here, we were able to visit each other more frequently.

The kids are now all adult, 1 married with her own children. All have a great relationship with my parents and still call or FaceTime every week. They also still visit them them at least once a year.

Oh it’s lovely to hear that with the effort (which I’m confident we’d both do) that the kids feel they have a relationship with the distant (physical not emotional) grandparents.

To those who asked, it is an 8 hour flight plus min 2hrs travelling either side to international airports to get the flight, so not other side of the world distance but also not a quick hop on flight.

The wonders of VTC - yes that would be good to see them, even just playing as someone said the young ones may not want to engage through the screen.

I hadn’t thought of the holidaying in third place that also sounds great idea - but also agree next door accommodation rather than all in together for everyone’s sanity.

Thank you all for your comments

We live in Spain and my MIL in England. She comes over 4-5 times a year for between 6-14 days, and has a great relationship with all the kids. When she's here, she is with them all the time, playing, drawing, reading with them. So it's very much quality time. They talk about Nanny often and ask when she's coming over again.

Obviously she would much prefer them to be round the corner but that's never going to happen, and even when we lived in the U.K. we were 4 hours away. So Spain isn't that different.

My PIL moved across the country so they were a 4 1/2 hour drive away when my DC were small. We visited them twice a year - once around Christmas and then for a week every Summer. They never came here. The relationship was fine, although I feel PIL were a lot closer to the GC they moved nearer too - but, they were also the 1st born GC and the DC of their 1st born favourite child. So it's not just about them being abroad.

My SIL's parents live a similar distance away (North America). Her mum tends to come over 4 times a year, normally for a couple of weeks but sometimes longer. She stays in an Air B&B nearby so she's not on top of them. My brother is a teacher and my SIL is currently on maternity leave so they will spend the whole summer holidays with her family in NA. They did that before with their previous child too. My side of the family are also quite close to her mum too so are all in regular email/WhatsApp contact which I think makes her mum feel like she's part of the family.

SIL's dad is a bit useless (divorced parents) but normally comes over once a year.