At what age should children be in control of their telephone contact with dad?

[ICanHearOwls]

I have a 12yo and a 9yo.
Dad doesn't see dc frequently (his choice) and for years we have had an arrangement of a weekly phone call on a Sunday morning.

12yo is getting more and more resistant to talking to dad when he calls on a Sunday and more often than not refuses to do so.

He is in Y7 and has his own phone. He sometimes calls dad himself during the week when he feels like it.

Ex harangues me whenever dc doesn't want to talk when he calls.

Ex and I split due to to abuse, and last time dc were there, over Xmas, ex was absolutely horrible to him, reducing him to tears on numerous occasions and making him fairly miserable for the whole week. That was the first time I think that he has directed his unreasonable temper at ds during contact and it has really shaken ds. Since then ds has hardly wanted to talk to his dad at all.

I feel like, at 12, ds is at an age where he can choose for himself if and when he'd like to talk to his father? But I don't want ex to transfer his haranguing from me to ds.

12 is reasonable. I went NC with my dad at that age.

I would not be pushing any contact with an abusive man. I’m not surprised they don’t want to talk to him.

Maybe ds can contact xh when he wants but is allowed not to answer when xh calls? What’s the arrangement when ds is with xh?

Yeah around that age however mine decided at that age they didn’t want any phone contact with their father (opposite reason he literally never ever called them) and would make constant promises to come down and see them then not show up or text them at 3am cancelling so they decided not to speak to him anymore and blocked him.

Ex tells me 'someone' is turning ds against him when ds doesn't want to speak on the phone.

I can't tell him that it's his own fault because of his behaviour over Xmas (as well as cancelling several contacts during last year) because he has never recognised his own behaviour or been able to take responsibility for it.

But I can just ignore that can't I? I can just tell ex that ds will call ex or answer his calls when he wants to from now on and I won't 'encourage' him to speak to ex any longer?

Two weeks ago ex threatened to cancel a TV service he pays for for the dc if ds didn't call him to thank him for it (he's been paying for it for over a year and ds thanked him when he offered to do so - ex just randomly decided ds was 'ungrateful' because he hadn't been regularly thanking him since and wasn't speaking to him on the phone generally).

He genuinely doesn't seem to see how damaging such manipulative behaviour is for his relationship with ds. He thinks it's completely reasonable.

I honestly wouldn’t engage with this. Xh has his number, he has Xhs number, they can leave messages, talk or not talk. What is he expecting beyond that?

He thinks I can make dc talk to him, or stop him from doing so. But the more dc is badgered about it the less he wants to, no matter how nicely it's done. I will tell ex I won't be involved any more

I think that’s reasonable. If he wants to punish ds by removing privileges then ds can choose how he responds to that.