Mulling things over whilst trying to get baby back to sleep. Since I was a teenager I’ve always struggled with social situations.
It got better for a while but with sleepless nights it’s definitely gotten worse.
I’ve always struggled with large groups of people I don’t know. Not the first time when nobody knows each other but maybe the third or fourth time we meet (baby groups have really brought this out again). I find it really awkward to strike up and keep up a conversation, say the wrong thing, really worry about how to say goodbye, and find reasons to think people think I’m being rude.
I worry people think I’m strange and awkward and say the wrong thing and then eventually I’ll stop going even though there’s probably a promising friendship because I’m finding it too awkward and worrying about going a week in advance.
It’s been a huge source of anxiety since having baby. I enjoy the classes and can see her getting something from them but really worry about them so force myself along but I’m in my head a lot of the class. I’m at the point of just looking for new classes for her so I don’t have to bump into the same people (very silly I know).
Before baby was born I finished a university course. I enjoyed the study but hated going in because I worried so much about the social stuff. I’d turn deliberately arrive 10 seconds before class started, hide out in the toilets, avoid the cafeteria and days before would worry about classes. It’s honestly a miracle I’ve completed it, and I think only the pressure and expectations (in my own mind) of family and friends that I finish it is what made me continue.
Before going in anywhere with larger groups or having to speak out (often Ice breakers). My heart pounds and I feel really sweaty. It’s effort to get words out and I really overthink what I’m saying.
This has been going on since adolescence, it gets better and worse. Baby classes seem to have really brought it out, I’d hoped to make some mum friends but I doubt I will now because where I live it’s the same people at different classes and I think they’ve written me off as just awkward (true enough). I really wanted to make friends (I’ve only a two old friends really, although I’m aware I’m lucky to have them).
The thing is my friends and family wouldn’t think this is an issue. They think I’m fairly confident and I do well enough work wise. I just don’t know how to fix it. I want to do better for baby so she does not experience this herself. Not turning up to baby classes is silly I know that as there also for her to enjoy not just for me.
I can’t afford therapy just now, but it’s something that really holds me back. I suppose I just wanted to know if I’m just weird or if other people struggle with this?