A year until I'm 40 and I don't know what to do with myself

[MsAnnThropic]

As per the title, really.

I turned 39 this week and I feel so STUCK, so much so I just don't know what to do with myself!

I have four children, whose ages range from 18 months to 14, and a lovely husband who would be very supportive of anything I chose to do.

I work as a healthcare professional in a job which brings me very little joy anymore (huge caseloads, poor management, toxic culture) but am scared to leave , mainly due to my crippling imposter syndrome and the fact that I'm the bread winner and retraining etc would mean a payout.We earn just about enough to get by without any treats / extras between us

I'm about 4 stone overweight. After a lifetime of disordered eating to stay slim I have gone completely the other way over the last few years and moreso since my youngest was born. He's a horrible sleeper and I'm knackered all of the time which doesn't help.

I have about three (not very nice) outfits that I wear on rotation, when not in my work uniform, and I have no idea how to pick outfits/ colours etc to suit me.

I do very little outside of the family/ work that is for pleasure and I don't even really know where to start , or what I'd actually enjoy.

My house is a tip too.

I realise I sound like a total sad sack, but I want to use my 40th next year as an opportunity to make some changes. I'm so low on motivation I don't think I even know where to start.

Has anyone else been like this and come out the other side?

I'd really, really appreciate some tips (or even just moral support) to use the next year to start sorting myself out!

Thank you if you got this far!!

What do you think is the thing that concerns you most?

Is it the house or the weight or the job?

Personally, I'd look to start on the house first just cos I always feel better when my surroundings are clean and tidy. You can rope DH and older children into doing it too.

What would you like to retrain as? Do you have any ideas? EG if social work, then you could look to do a funded Step Up to Social Work course or similar. There will be similar schemes for some other positions too.

If the weights getting you down, maybe look to sign up to a personal trainer if finances allow. It's something just for you and if financially committed then you'll be more likely to go. Or maybe try a personal shopper (again if money allows) to get some new outfits.

Also, maybe via work try to access counselling to try to work things out in your head.

Good luck!

Sorry just noticed you said you've not got much spare cash. But youtube will have workouts you can do and stylists offering tips.

Ask your DH for half an hour a day where you are just able to work out in peace at home.

If it's any consolation OP I think there are lots of us on this situation. I am a bit older and also feel like this.

Thank you both for your replies.

@DacadactylThank you for your suggestions . You're right about having nice surroundings. I feel so much better when it's done... it's overwhelming to know where to start, but I've decided to do at least a little bit each day to get back on track.

I did have a personal trainer for a little while between lockdowns and it really benefitted me. Money won't allow right now, but I like your idea of having half an hour each day dedicated to exercise. That feels achievable.

I think you're right that counselling would help too.

@fromBodentoBandM (your user name is great) I'm sorry you feel the same way. It can be really tricky can't it. Perhaps we could share ideas support?

My sister was almost 6 stone overweight, her losing it has been a game changer as to how she feels mentally plus she realises how achey she was because of it. She just had a lightbulb moment, she was 50 at the time.

This sounds really tough and parts of your story resonate with me. I wonder if it might feel overwhelming to list everything and all the barriers (when I was reading your post it felt like there is a lot "going wrong", and lots of barriers- e.g. lack of time, confidence, money etc - to putting it "right")?

Instead, can you focus on one or two things at a time and change them first. For example, you mention your house is messy, could you and your partner try the organised mum method (for example), and both of you agree to do some cleaning and tidying every other day? Or, maybe you could start by trying to get 10,000 steps in each day - or start couch to 5k - for your fitness? Or, maybe you could try to go alcohol free, sugar free, or junk food free to help your diet/weight?

These shouldn't cost much money (I picked up a pair of second hand running trainers in ebay for less than £10 when I started C25K), which felt like one of your bigger barriers for making a change.

@PickledOnionsRodger Thank you for your practical and helpful reply. I think you're right. I have really been in a funk lately, focusing on all the rubbish parts and because there's so much that needs addressing, I've been overwhelmed and addressed NONE of it, instead of realising something is better than nothing.

Part of my problem is I'm very "all or nothing" so get frustrated if I've only done a 30 minute clean instead of blitzing and deap cleaning a room, but I need to shift my mindset.

With that in mind I've spent some time in my bedroom today, sorting stuff for charity and clearing up a little, so that's a start!

Progress not perfection!

@PickledOnionsRodger yes this is a very helpful reply, it's a bit like habit stacking, do one small thing then add another

What I struggle with is that I know what to do and would be great at offering advice to others, but that I still can't seem to make myself do it

@MsAnnThropic love your name btw
I know the overwhelm feeling well and am sending you a big virtual hug

I felt like this previously and I made lots of little changes that have really helped.

• watched lots of house sorting programmes on Netflix, like Marie Kondo, then tackled one corner at a time
• got my colour’s done by a stylist on Instagram called style me happy. It cost £35 and has been so helpful in figuring out what suits me
• sold loads on vinted and bought nicer things on vinted in the colours that were recommended. Now everything goes well together and it’s easier to get dressed
• Intermittent fasting to keep my weight in check, I use the Fastic app to track it

small steps OP, you can do it!

@MsAnnThropic I am just over a decade older and I have felt much the same in many ways. I'm not fully sorted out yet, but I feel I've been able to make some changes that have certainly helped. I wouldn't suggest taking everything at once as it will be overwhelming, but maybe mapping out this year with a new goal every 2-3 months might help.
Here are the things that have helped me over a period of time:

Work: like you I was in the NHS with an overwhelming caseload that made me feel over worked, anxious & scared at times. I accessed some free career coaching via the NHS Leadership Academy & it was so helpful for showing me where my skills & strengths were, and made me realise I had things to offer & I could and did apply for other jobs. https://www.leadershipacademy.nhs.uk/

Also, to help you cope with work right now, there is an organisation called Abel Futures who offer free monthly counselling & the aim is to support you to keep you in work. It's funded by the DWP and totally confidential. I have used both of the above services at the same time, the counselling for the now and the coaching for the longer term plan. http://able-futures.co.uk/individuals

Work/life: I started to follow a chap on Insta/FB called Paul Mort who has had some mental health struggles & he's now supporting & coaching people. He's really straight talking (a bit sweary 😄) and brilliant at motivation. I did a course of his called Unstoppable 28 and it was amazing. He takes you through how to tackle the issues in your life & he breaks it down, so its not overwhelming: https://www.unstoppable28.com/join-the-challenge-og46888758

House/home: the clutter in my house (and the things associated with having a young child) made me feel overwhelmed. I kept reading about the Marie Kondo book & thought it sounded a bit far fetched if I'm honest, but I read it (it's a quick read) and it's been life changing- I know I sound dramatic here, but it has changed how we live/exist at home. Basically, it's a big declutter but in an organised way & you can get the family on board, too. Once you've worked through the house, it makes cleaning & tidying much easier. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22318578-the-life-changing-magic-of-tidying-up

Clothes/fashion: I had a style analysis done & it was so helpful to tell me what colour & style of clothes suited me. It stopped me thinking I need to lose these 5 stones in order to look OK. Follow Emily Innes on FB/Insta - https://www.stylemehappy.co.uk/ to see if any of what she advises resonates with you.

Self care: can you make sure you get a bit of time each day to wind down & maybe read, meditate or exercise? https://www.thebraveway.co/ is a really lovely & effective set of meditations that I regularly come back to if I'm feeling anxious or down. I also really rate this free app to help with getting off to sleep: Nothing Much Happens: https://www.nothingmuchhappens.com/
I also like journalling as it helps me make sense if how I'm feeling.

Weight loss: I'm still trying to figure this one out, so no help to offer here I'm afraid! @ViciousCurrentBun do you/your sister have any wise insights to share here, please?

Good luck @MsAnnThropic .

Oh wow @RedChester we have recommended some similar things! Just seen your post. 😁

First you've decided your not happy with weight, job or house. Don't waste another year being unhappy before you make changes. Tell DH things are getting you down. Get his support. Like a previous poster suggested start on house. Get DH to do jobs maybe a fresh coat of paint, declutter. Make kids help. I found getting a large storage chest of drawers for my hall helped tidy it up and keep it tidy. Everything has a drawer eg dogs leads, poo bags, treat bags, paw wipes and brush all go in one drawer. Wooly hats and gloves in another one etc. Do the same with kids rooms, give them storage and insist they keep rooms tidy, no more excuses for them. I lost 4 stone last year on Ozempic. It's expensive but it works especially if you stay on 0.25 dose for 2 months instead of one and then 0.5 for 2 months also before moving up to 1.0 dose. I kept it in fridge in-between doses and it was fine. Just check it's not cloudy. Drink more water. Eat more protein cut the carbs and fat and you could lose 4 lb in a week quite easily. I'd have a chicken breast and baked beans but no potato or chips with it. Once you've lost a stone treat yourself to a new outfit. My DH bought me a piece of jewellery every time I lost a stone. Once you've lost a stone you'll get more energy then start the exercise. I'm not good at exercise at all but I started walking around the cricket pitch when my son played instead of just sitting and watching. Sometimes I'd walk around 4 times stopping for 15 mins in between each lap. You could change your hair style/colour too and give yourself a make over. Take a photo of you at 39 and another of you looking and feeling fab at 40.

Read this book: how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones.

Interesting about the Ozempuc @caringcarer Please may I ask if you used a private company/pharmacist which one did you use? And are there any struggles with keeping te weight off once you come off it? I keep reading about it and im seeing lots of people having success with it, although i understand there have been some supply issues? Thank you.

Because my BMI was so high and I'm asthmatic and have high blood pressure too my GP gave me.my prescriptions. I therefore collected my prescriptions from my local chemist. There have been supply shortages. I almost ran out once but fortunately it came in just in time. You can buy it from online chemists. I've been on it a year and still taking it to lose more weight. I'm hoping to lose 2-3 more stones this year. It's so much easier to lose weight in the warmer weather though. When it's cold my arthritis is bad and I don't go out much to walk as too cold. Once Spring is here I'll go back to walking 5000 steps each day. I've never done the 10,000 but still lost weight with high protein, low carbs and fat and lots of water.

I'm like this too. It's really hard and I'm definitely not a person to have my shit together.

What massively helped me is starting a bullet journal where I create a colourful page for the week and then check boxes of what I want to do (e.g. five check boxes for a "walk" means I want to walk 5 times that week. 4 check boxes for a "clean" means I want to clean for 20 minutes 4 times that week). I've even added things like "reading" (chapters in a book), not for a set amount of time, but even reading for 10 minutes and then I tick it off.

Before doing this, I didn't really think it would work, but it has been working really well. I'm not sure why, much better than just an excel spreadsheet or a list for me. There's Something really nice about having a beautiful journal, with me creating the pages each week.

1. It's nice to look back and see - I didn't manage 5 walks, but I did do 3. Plus I cleaned 3 times and had a whole week alcohol free.
2. When I'm close to completing a goal it gives me a kick up the bum to do it - e.g. it's Sunday night, if I just clean for 20 minutes then I'll hit my target for the week.
3. It gives me time to think about things that aren't working. For example, I've noticed I'm really struggling to get my "walks" in each week, so I've thought about why, and try to make a plan to help.

Like others have said, it hasn't made me perfect but I'm feeling like I've made more progress than ever before. For example, I've just finished 6 weeks alcohol free. I used to drink 3-4 times per week. I've also read 1 and a half books already (I didn't manage that in the whole of the last 3 years).

I share this story because I wonder if something like this might help.

I like the habit stacking approach as mentioned by PPs. I think people often try to overhaul their whole lives at once, but i don't think it's very sustainable, so start with small things and try to get into the habit of them before adding something else. Examples of the size of new habits for me has been joining a weekly class, stopping buying diluting juice, integrating more vegetarian meals into my week, using my non working day for a hike, doing laundry more often but in smaller loads, trying to do 6000 steps per day, starting to read occasional non fiction. Bit by bit, things start changing.
I think on your house, you have a DH and 4 kids so this is not just on you.

From what I remember as it was a few years ago she just had a sort of massive epiphany. She had known for years how bad it was for her but she developed type 2 diabetes and it scared her. Her diabetes though not totally cured did improve so much it was great.

Someone gave me this on my fortieth. I haven’t completed them all yet but it’s certainly brought the fun back into my life.
It’s from notonthehighstreet.com

What a nice thread with kindness :)

What wonderful advice here OP. But yes., you can’t do it all. Also if everything on this list got sorted you still might not be happy so be prepared for that!

The thing that stood out most to me was your job and your sleep.

I wondered if you had more sleep and were less exhausted by your work then everything else might feel more manageable?

you’ve have some fantastic advice above about making the next move career wise above. This is a longer term goal but can be broken down into smaller steps and you can start ticking them off the list e.g. thinking about your dream job including hours / wage / skill set / people / location etc. Thinking about what you smaller steps can move you along that path. What would you retrain as? How would you afford it? Do the household maths of what you need to save for it. Think about where you could get extra cash for it.

Now with your youngest - I mean the sleep will get better over time but is there anything you can do to improve it? Life is so hard when you’re sleep deprived. Is there a day a week you could get a nap or a lie in? Can you get to bed earlier? Can you get away for a night away once every couple of weeks? What can you do to solve this one?

I wonder if you had a plan for getting out of your horrible job and were getting a bit more sleep, then things would be better?

im not sure that having all your knickers folded will have the same life changing effect so be careful where you put your limited energy Op!

Lots of the advice here, while well meant, would be "too much" for me in my feeling down moments.

My way is finding some small thing, very small, which gives me a sense of control or achievement. It can be "If I am down anyway, I can at least listen to something pleasant" or "it seems I didn't find time for full 30 minutes of exercise, still I can do a five minutes stretching now". Getting a small taste of the nice thing, a small taste of success, and building hunger for more.