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Original poster

Empty nest, moving forwards

28 replies

andwhy · 09/02/2024 19:07

Hi, I'm a mum of two teenage girls. One is away at uni the other is on a gap year (away now until Easter). My husband is away for work, sometimes for months at a time. I feel lost/stuck at home. Another Friday night sat here on my own in front of the television. Has anyone got any ideas, been through this and got out of the boredom rut!! I have friends that I meet for shopping, or the gym but the rest of the time really I think I'm lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 19:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
HonorGold · 09/02/2024 19:30

Ah that’s a shame. Do you work? Could you get a dog? What about working shifts in a pub?

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 19:32

I do work, part time, but I'm usually home by 12.30 and today that's the last time I spoke to anyone

OP posts:
HonorGold · 09/02/2024 19:40

andwhy · 09/02/2024 19:32

I do work, part time, but I'm usually home by 12.30 and today that's the last time I spoke to anyone

In which case, could you up your hours at work, get a pet, join some clubs?

Sewing, book club, climbing, paragliding,

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 19:45

I could, the problem is I feel like I'm trying to keep myself available for when anyone is home, so it's like my life is on hold while I wait, and last week I realised that its making me so unhappy. But I don't really know what I want to do. I went to a new gym class yesterday and no one spoke to me so I just went home feeling even more alone. It's hard. I know other people have much worse things going on. But this is my life and I'd like any ideas anyone has

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Namenamchange · 09/02/2024 19:54

I don’t think people chat at gym classes, at least not until you’ve been for a long time. You could try a walking group or learn a new skill like pottery or similar.

Rummikub · 09/02/2024 20:02

Some yoga classes seem friendly?

i will be in a similar position soon and I’ve been thinking about what to do. I’m considering returning to old hobbies, courses and finding full time work.

I understand the idea of waiting. I’ve done it too. It’s thankless. We must train ourselves out of it!

Rummikub · 09/02/2024 20:04

Or volunteering. I think in order my ideas are more work hours, new job, volunteering then the rest. I don’t live with anyone and I used to work out how long before someone found me 😂 when dc were at their dad's

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2024 20:05

I think working part time to be available for people who are living independent adult lives elsewhere is surely part of the problem? This is your chance to think what job you really want to do - you have a thousand times more options if you go full time.

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 20:07

Thank you, for me I'm not sure that full time work will help, it's evenings and weekends that are hard. I will definitely think about joining some clubs. Is that really what people do in their 50s. I'm hoping someone might come along and tell me it gets better. I have friends but they are all busy with their husbands and family's at the weekend. It feels like only 2 minutes ago that I was doing the same

OP posts:
Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 20:11

They aren't really living independent adult lives yet, I think that's the problem. My eldest daughter is home every holidays and reading weeks, and maybe every 3 or 4th weekend. My youngest left in January but is back in April and I don't yet know her plans after that, and my husband is due home for 5 weeks in June

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DelphiniumBlue · 09/02/2024 20:13

So you need a group that involves talking to people, like a book club, or a pub quiz, or a foreign language conversation class. But it takes a while to get friendships going, it’s not going to happen overnight.
My choir is full of very chatty empty-nesters, maybe see if there’s a choir locally? Or some sort of volunteering?
My last home based son is about to move out, I do recognise what you are saying, and I’m not looking forward to it.
But I m trying to remind myself that life moves on, and if I don’t make plans and changes, no one is going to do it for me.
Its a phase of life most of us will go through, and I suspect the key is finding other women going through the same thing.

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 20:17

Thank you for your understanding. You are right I do need to find some like minded women. It's going to be hard, but I guess I have no choice. Life moves on. (But I wish I could I wind the clock back)

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crumblingschools · 09/02/2024 20:19

School governor., schools are usually crying out for them and meetings can be in the evenings

PigglyWigglyOhYeah · 09/02/2024 20:21

It's considered old fashioned, but Rotary is good. It's very social, good for the local community and has all sorts of events you can go to on your own (without it being a 'thing').

skippydo · 09/02/2024 20:43

In my experience you need to put yourself out there a bit...

I joined a gym, no one spoke to me but lots of groups chatting...

Week 2 lots of smiling at people... keep going, lots of the same people so a few words here and there and it builds...

I practiced the I'm here for me not to make friends so appeared confident in my own space...

Made gym friends but takes time...

Same with walks, head phones in, a few smiles, passing comments but it seems to happen when I can't be bothered to make an effort

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 20:47

Thank you, you are right I do need to put myself out there a bit. I'm just out of practice I guess. I have friends, some that I've had for 20+ years and this week I've just been feeling really down. Only 1 seems to contact me regularly, the others haven't been in touch once this week (because I haven't contacted them) I do feel we are friends; but I guess at the moment, I'm needing friendship more than they are; so it just feels very lonely

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HardcoreLadyType · 09/02/2024 20:54

Things I have done since my nest started to empty out are to join a book group, join some hiking groups, join a choir, do a couple of exercise classes.

This week I have been out Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings, and will be out all day tomorrow.

Rummikub · 09/02/2024 21:05

Volunteering might suit then.

When I went through separation and divorce I felt incredibly lonely. Friends were busy with their own families. Like you craved conversation and company. I ended up joining a social group. It was great. Meeting lots of new people and made a close friend out of it.

Do people you work with meet up or socialise after work?

Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 21:08

They do, but only really for birthdays or Christmas. Most of them have family's at home so evening meet ups aren't easy. I have spent the last 18 years mainly meeting my friends for day time meetings/ events, often just chatting at the children's after school clubs etc.

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Original poster
andwhy · 09/02/2024 21:10

I think I'm going to try and look up social groups in the area and see what's available. However I do live in quite a small town, so I am worried that maybe there won't be many new faces.

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Rummikub · 09/02/2024 21:15

A friend joined WI but I have no idea what they do. I also joined ‘meet ups’. I guess it is easier in some ways to find stuff like that in big cities.

mondaytosunday · 09/02/2024 22:00

No one is going to talk to you at the gym first time. It takes weeks of regular attendance and same class.
I'm a widow, my son moved out a couple years ago and my DD will be going to uni soon. I quite like my own company, but it will be odd. But my daughter is already pretty independent- her being at home doesn't stop me from going out of an evening. I think your kids sound old enough that you setting up something a couple evenings a week should be fine - and when they are around maybe they could have dinner waiting for when you got home!
Setting up a book group might be an idea - I'm thinking of starting one up myself. Also hobbies - I crochet, Having a project going is good.

Rediscoverme · 21/07/2024 09:30

Hi, just joining in, I feel for you - and me!
I found the best thing is a hobby - what an awful word- I go to painting class where everyone is v chatty and encouraging, and it’s something I can practice on my own, research into etc. people drop in and out too when they have visitors etc.
its very hard putting yourself on the back seat, I do too - weekends are wasted while I sort of clean and am then around to offer lunche, dinner etc. I don’t know why I do it, years of training from when they were little I guess.
pits actually hard to make time for my hobby - I feel guilty, or I can’t start something because there will be something more pressing to do!

toothfairy26 · 19/03/2025 20:35

Hi Op, wondered how you are now as I am feeling the same way. This change in life, is hitting me hard. Was not prepared. x