I'm in the biggest rut/depression and I don't know how to get out of it

[bedrotera]

I have struggled with my mental health my entire adult life, and I'm now in my late 20s. I left my previous career after burning out/struggling with depression and anxiety. I decided to go back to university to train to be a nurse and the first term went well, but after coming back from Christmas I realised it wasn't for me. In January I only left the house twice to try and force myself into university and both times cried on the way there which I know sounds pathetic. I couldn't motivate myself to get dressed, shower, eat properly. I withdrew from the course last week, and I've been the same since. I've applied to several jobs but have only had rejections so far which obviously is harder to deal with rationally when I'm already sensitive and down.

I've been to the supermarket this week and prepared a few meals for myself which is at least better than January when I didn't do either of those things and just lived off junk food and takeaways. But everything feels insurmountable, when I was in the supermarket I remembered when I get home I'd need to wash my face and brush my teeth before bed and I could have cried and/or screamed.

I'm on citalopram already. I'm living with parents and siblings at the moment who are supportive thankfully, bad mental health seems to run in our family so they're pretty understanding.

I don't know how to get myself out of this rut. I'm trying to push myself as I don't want to come across as pathetic or childlike or self-indulgent. Every evening I decide tomorrow will be different but it never is

Didn’t want to leave without writing something. It’s hard. Sending you hugs xx

Hugs OP.

I’ve also struggled with severe depression, and been through nurse training!

Honestly it will depend on what’s causing your depression that will be the answer. For me CBT was a godsend and worth every penny.

You’re not pathetic, it’s genuinely the hardest thing in the world.

I'm so so sorry you are having such a tough time. You're not alone in this.
Have you ever attended a support group or a any courses at a recovery college (run by peers who are also in recovery from mental health problems)? They can be so helpful as they are so supportive and full of practical advice and tips on how to manage life and recover, in all the ways that are not just taking medication. There's a lot more to recovery.
I'm not sure where you live but could be worth googling where the nearest recovery college is. The courses tend to be free for people with mental health problems and their family members. I've done several, can really vouch for them.

Does the uni have support you can access?

@Checken I'm not sure if rules are different in different areas but where I live (Dorset) you can self refer.

Have you tried counselling?

Sorry you're going through this OP. I would recommend going back to your GP. How long have you been on the citalopram? If it's been more than 6-8 weeks and you've noticed no improvement, you may need to try a different drug or a higher dosage. You GP may also be able to refer you for counselling.

I think you're doing pretty well! Applying for jobs is hard work, the fact you have managed to do that while depressed is impressive. Take it small steps and be kind to yourself for the small things you achieve. Some days that might only be having a shower. Or eating some fruit. Try to do things you enjoy too if you can.

I know how tough it is, I've experienced poor mental health for a lot of my life. Hang in there.

Thank you everyone 💐

I've been on citalopram for around a year and a half... I feel like I'm not cut out for normal life, I have absolutely no resilience and have struggled in every season of life - nursery, school, college, university. I feel like I'm just destined to always have bad anxiety and depression

Hi OP, that sounds hard.

Could you try to focus on doing small things that lift your mood a little bit, rather than just pushing yourself to do to the things you "should" do.

Pop back to the Docs and tell them exactly what you've told us, might be a case of upping your Meds
Try and get out daily for a walk, I know it'll be hard, t shirt, trackie bottoms, big coat, put on sunglasses and put earphones in and listen to music/podcast or just put them in with no music (I quite often wear my headphones just because then people won't try and talk to me)
Even if you do 10 mins, then up it day by day
Try and eat and stay hydrated
Also you can self refer for CBT via the NHS website
You'll come out of the fog, it may take a while but you will feel better
Self care also, don't feel guilty for indulging yourself with the things that bring you joy and things that bring you peace and calm

You get happy by doing things that make you happy.

What are those?

Usually things like walking in green & blue spaces, exercising, socialising, going to different places, doing a hobby help but it depends on your individual interests.

Do one happy activity every day for 2 weeks and see how it goes.