How do you help a moany child

[spanieleyes22]

So my friend's dd is just about to turn 5, and she is so moany. Everything she says is said in a 'moany' voice. Any tiny thing is turned into a drama. For example this morning I said to her 'good morning lovely little girl' - massive tears and upset - she's not little. I apologised profusely but she wouldn't 'forgive' me (not sure how to phrase it - I don't really mean forgive, I mean I couldnt' 'get round' her IUKWIM). She cried for an hour the other day as she doesn't want to be the youngest. Her mum and me didn't know what else to say - she tried distraction, she tried being a bit stern and saying ok enough now, but nothing would console her. I feel sorry for her mum - every day is such a strain. I gave them a lift the other day and she wouldnt take off her school bag, she just crossed her arms. I tried being nice and then joking with her, then we all got in the car and waited for her to get in, but no, nothing would appease her. In the end her mum managed to get it off and get her buckled in. Would love some advice on how you dealt with this kind of stuff. It seems like she's at level 10 all the time so if any tiny thing happens she tips over into crying, or going quiet and refusing to talk (which we have started ignoring). Grateful for any tips!

Anyone...?

If she's not your child I'd stay out of it.

Ok . Her mum is a friend and she is on her own so we talk to each other about stuff like this. But ok point taken I'll say nothing . If she asks me I'll just say I dunno and leave it at that. Thanks

I don't know if it's what I should do but I have a moany child (10) and I tend to try and ignore it as much as possible. He has a good life but often nothing is good enough. Ignore the whinging if you can! Doesn't always work, sometimes I snap and tell him enough but he's obviously a lot older.

I don't ignore him but just try and keep it light.

It's really hard! I don't think you're doing anything wrong by giving your opinion if your friend is asking for tips.

Has the mum tried ignoring the crying/moaning? Just carry on like she isn’t crying? When she cries about being the youngest just explain that can’t be helped and get on with other things, same if she goes quiet etc.. it might take a while and isn’t ignoring her just the unwanted behaviour…

Is she in FT nursery or Reception OP? I’d cut her a bit of slack as I expect it’s tiredness. Just empathise “Oh I know, it’s terrible, isn’t it…”, hug and then ignore. My DD is 7 and can still be a bit like this on a Friday after school, a movie and a cuddle with a fluffy blanket and she’s right as rain for the weekend.

I told mine I couldn't understand what they were saying when the Winey Voice came out.
Dd once had a huge tantrum because she didn't want to be a human being..

lol that's the kind of thing she does this made me laugh!!!

And if none of what I said works, I do this too 🤣

She's never right as rain though at least any time I see them. Always something wrong. I got fed up when I brought her to the cinema and all she could do was moan and moan through the whole film that she'd eaten her sweets and needed me to go out and get more . She had loads! And she had 2 packets of crisps. I thought I was generous but whatever you do it's never enough. I nearly went home tbh. I took her to give her a bit of a treat and a break for her mum

My lot go through moany phases. Often seems to happen when they've been hanging around with other moany children. I tell them I can't hear them if they use a moany voice and then proceed to ignore them until they speak to me nicely. Seems to do the trick.

Our great niece is a bit like this, constantly crying or moaning when she visits as she's bored (we get games out for her, DH sometimes buys her a book or sweets and show interest in her), doesn't like tea (which her Mum made and bought last time as it was her favourite), might lose a game, tired, doesn't want to sit at the table or the fact the rest of us are still eating mains and she can't have her pudding until we've finished. She's 7. I don't know what the answer is. We've tried to distract in the past, this last time we ignored her. DH says no way is she coming her again - it's too much. Our niece wants to go out for a meal with us, but we're putting it off.

If you take her out then set expectations clearly
I will buy you 1 packet crisps and x sweets. If she moans say ‘that’s not polite’ and then try to distract. If she continues to moan explain that you will go home if it doesn’t stop.
and carry that threat through.
Also take her places where no treat is needed - park, free museum, library etc. Again set expectations- we are going to have a nice time, we say please and thank you, if you keep complaining we will leave. And follow through

Have you tried a more playful approach and being moany back? It makes my kids laugh and snap out of it, if I stick my bottom lip out at far as possible and start whingeing about every little thing, in a dramatic and long suffering voice. This only tends to work for general whining though - not if they are in floods of tears already.

DN is moany as hell with my DSis, who panders to the moaning and usually ends up giving in for an easy life. I look after DN quite a bit, and I don't seem to hear any moaning when we're on our own together! I would have completely ignored this attention-seeking little madam after her strop at your morning greeting. How long did your friend keep you waiting when you were kindly giving them a lift, before getting her into the car?

"Suck it up buttercup"
"Life isn't fair"
"Keep going, noones listening"
And yes "I can't hear you when you are moaning"

Oh and general resilence training. Short luck based games like ludo/sorry, and magnets https://amzn.eu/d/3avShvG.

Just empathise “Oh I know, it’s terrible, isn’t it…”, hug and then ignore

^^

This.

Sarcasm worked with ours when moaning
Might not work with all but then they saw me and their dad totally enjoying being sarcastic with each other.
Or you can try posing questions with very closed answers.

Examples: school bag and car

Sarcasm influenced: "sorry sweetheart these seatbelts are bags off ones if you want a lift the bag needs to come off I will tell Nissan to give me bags on belts next time but until then....."

Closed question: "if I am to give you a lift you need to get in the car with a seatbelt on otherwise the traffic police will be very cross with me so how can we make that happen?"

I'm with the 'Suck it up, buttercup' brigade, said briskly and with no sympathy whatsoever. Also 'No one likes a whinger'.

It's difficult when they aren't yours.

It’s hopefully just a phase..

Don’t respond to the moany voice, you don’t understand it.

Praise good behaviour like crazy, ignore bad.

Set up clear consequences. I’m really looking forward to ice cream at the park, but that will only happen if everyone gets into the car quickly and behaves nicely.

Set up expectations. Today we are going to the supermarket, and then when we get home you will be able to relax and watch X progranme.

Do you mean a whining voice? I really cant stand whining - if dds ever did it I told them I couldn’t hear them unless they talked properly. So I’d just ‘be deaf’ and they soon stopped.

A friend’s dd only ever spoke in a whine - how she bore it I will never understand.

I'm afraid I was terrible to my kids when they moaned and whined. I just hated it so much and would just tell them to stop bloody moaning.
If I suggested a trip out, I would be met with moans when I knew they would love it when they actually got out. I'd just have a go at them and ask why their first response to anything is always negative? And then lecture them to death about being moany and miserable.
Either my amazing tactics worked or they grew out of it but I have lovely teenagers who hardly ever moan now.