If your MIL disrespected you, would you talk back?/call her out/defend yourself

Trynato · 2024-02-08T22:54:42+00:00

Just that really. It came up in a conversation and a friend said she would lower her eyes and not say anything to her but speak to her husband about it privately later. That a person with manners would never disrespect an elder, whether they are in the right or wrong. A guy agreed and added that if his wife ever did that, he would divorce her. Do you agree? What do you think?

2024please · 08/02/2024 22:55

I absolutely would and have done.

sprigatito · 08/02/2024 22:56

Nope, mine is a bigoted, self-absorbed dragon with a host of offensive opinions and a serious case of main-character syndrome. If I hadn't established fairly early on that I get to speak my mind, we would have been NC long ago.

MorningMinion · 08/02/2024 22:57

Is she from a culture with an ingrained sense of deferring to elders?

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 22:57

2024please · 08/02/2024 22:55

I absolutely would and have done.

I agree. I never have but I wish I did. Instead, it made my MIL comfortable disrespecting and humiliating me publicly, because she knew I would never have said anything back

OP posts:

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 22:59

MorningMinion · 08/02/2024 22:57

Is she from a culture with an ingrained sense of deferring to elders?

Yes, I would say so

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thistimelastweek · 08/02/2024 22:59

Depends on what was said.

mamacorn1 · 08/02/2024 23:00

There have been comments that I have let go to
be honest, but also others I I have confronted head on. I guess for me it depends what the comment is and how insulted I feel!

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 23:03

thistimelastweek · 08/02/2024 22:59

Depends on what was said.

Things like:

you made food and she said you made the whole house smell terrible or that the food isn't good
she called you dirty
she spoke Ill of your own mum
she spoke ill of you to her family/ yours
She publicly humiliates you about things related to your intimacy
she said she should never have approved of your marriage
her son deserves better
she yells at you because something is not clean enough
She tells you she is scared you're going to try to screw her and your husband over because of stereotypes about your culture
That she doesn't want your parents to come to your birth
She makes up lies about you
Blames you for things she did/arguments with her husband
Threatens you

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defiant2024 · 08/02/2024 23:05

Lol. Were they Amish? Don't be daft, any man who'd divorce his wife for that would be doing her the most enormous favour. Any woman who's a doormat will get stepped on.

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 08/02/2024 23:07

I have done more than most to accommodate my mil, but she is unceasingly rude and ungrateful.
Patience is not endless, but i am trying gto bite my tongue for my DH who has been brought up on fear, guilt and obligation.

Zoflorabore · 08/02/2024 23:08

I told my MIL to fuck off and get out of my house about 6/7 years ago. She has never liked me but this one time she was really awful and I can’t even remember the exact details now. I did apologise when I saw her again and I see her very rarely now despite living about 3 miles away. She’s got no interest in our 2dc and she’s the coldest person I’ve ever met. I used to worry about it but it’s out of my control. My dc don’t like her much either.
dp tolerates her and has next to no relationship with her and agrees she’s not very nice.

WestendGrrls · 08/02/2024 23:10

I think in British culture it is normal to behave respectfully to your partners parents, but it is given with the expectation that respect is a two way thing. You would not expect your in laws to demean and chastise you or treat you like a child or a servant.

The comments that you are describing are pretty unpleasant and as an adult in my own home I would ask someone to leave if they were speaking to me like that, and if my husband didn't agree he could go with them too.

WestendGrrls · 08/02/2024 23:13

I see you have edited your post to give more examples. This is more than pretty unpleasant, its bullying and abusive and no-one should have to tolerate that from anyone.

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 23:18

WestendGrrls · 08/02/2024 23:13

I see you have edited your post to give more examples. This is more than pretty unpleasant, its bullying and abusive and no-one should have to tolerate that from anyone.

Thank you.

I remember one day, a long time ago, telling my husband that his mum was being cruel to me (word for word) and he chastised me and said I was rude and disrespectful and spoke ill of her because I told him his mum was "cruel".

I was surprised at his reaction but it seems these people and, maybe many in our circle, would agree with him.

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Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:24

If your husband is happy for his mother to disrespect you. Then you have a problem. The situation is not going to get any better. You’re either going to have to put up and shut up, or leave. I know what I would do. Life is for living, being happy and loved.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 08/02/2024 23:30

It really depends, doesn't it?

On what was said.

On whether it was in or out of character.

On how often you see MIL and how invested you are in maintaining a relationship with her.

Generally speaking, I am confident in tackling shitty comments from people but always weigh up whether it's worth the grief based on the above, MIL or no MIL.

thistimelastweek · 08/02/2024 23:30

Trynato · 08/02/2024 23:03

Things like:

you made food and she said you made the whole house smell terrible or that the food isn't good
she called you dirty
she spoke Ill of your own mum
she spoke ill of you to her family/ yours
She publicly humiliates you about things related to your intimacy
she said she should never have approved of your marriage
her son deserves better
she yells at you because something is not clean enough
She tells you she is scared you're going to try to screw her and your husband over because of stereotypes about your culture
That she doesn't want your parents to come to your birth
She makes up lies about you
Blames you for things she did/arguments with her husband
Threatens you

Edited

Show quote history

She's horrible and you are entitled to stand up to her.

If your husband cannot support you!, you are entitled to stand up to him. By that I mean , don't take any crap.

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 23:30

Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:24

If your husband is happy for his mother to disrespect you. Then you have a problem. The situation is not going to get any better. You’re either going to have to put up and shut up, or leave. I know what I would do. Life is for living, being happy and loved.

I went NC with my MIL because it got to a point where it became abusive.

But the conversation my friends were having about similar issues just reminded me of my own experience. So I got curious as to whether or not it was the norm to believe that.

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Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:34

@Trynato no it’s not the norm, of course families have issues and there are personality clashes, but most manage to rub along. Most husbands support their wives. Most MIL don’t behave the way you’ve described

Easipeelerie · 08/02/2024 23:37

I’m glad you’re no contact with her. She sounds dreadful.

Whitesapphire · 08/02/2024 23:40

My MIL verbally attacked me for no reason and I have been absolutely vile to her ever since, I really enjoy it!

Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:44

@Trynato having said that, I’m never one for and argument, I would just smile sweetly and let her dig her own grave. But I would make absolutely sure my husband was aware and was on my side. If he wasn’t like I said above, that’s a different situation

Original poster

Trynato · 08/02/2024 23:46

Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:44

@Trynato having said that, I’m never one for and argument, I would just smile sweetly and let her dig her own grave. But I would make absolutely sure my husband was aware and was on my side. If he wasn’t like I said above, that’s a different situation

Thank you for your reply xx
How do you manage to stop it from happening again without directly telling her you are not happy with something she said? Would she understand the smile is sarcastic and feel silly? Or would you rely on your husband being present with you? I found it tricky

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Maybeicanhelpyou · 08/02/2024 23:59

You can certainly try with the knowing smile! But keeping your husband close really helps. Also have some simple one liners ready as comeback.
”oh, I’m sorry I thought you said my cooking was…. But I must have misheard as you really wouldn’t be so rude!” As you hand her a glass of wine or whatever.
or if she’s broadcasting private information just raise an eyebrow and say” oh, I told you that in confidence” then don’t tell her anything again. You can learn to politely state your boundaries, she won’t like it, but until you try there’s no way of knowing what will happen.

DaftyLass · 09/02/2024 00:03

I tell my MIL to fuck off when she over steps
She does the same to me.
It works for us, nothing is bottled
I love her dearly, and she me, but we don't always see eye to eye!