Fed up being at home full time

[Tnib]

DD is 15 months and I’ve become a full time Mum by accident as I was made redundant on maternity leave. I want to be back at work but haven’t got a job yet. I missed out on some freelance work as I didn’t have childcare in place. I have had 3 interviews for permanent work but no job offer. I’m feeling fed up and depressed, my mood is all over the place. I’ve found myself angry and sad…I’m just tired of the repetition of baby groups and the structure of my day if I’m honest.

I’m looking at starting DD at nursery two days a week to be able to take freelance or temp work, and get more time to spend on permanent job applications and to get a break from full time parenting which I hope will help improve my mood. We’d then make it four days a week when I get a job. DP has made me feel guilty in the past about putting DD into nursery without a job, but I feel it puts me in a better position. Seeing as I lost work before , and I feel like the longer I’m not working the harder it will be.

I just wondered if others have done this? and wanted to hear I’m not mad for doing what I’m suggesting. I suppose if I got no work at all after two or three months we might take DD out of nursery, is that bad in itself?

Any thoughts appreciated.

Thank you

You're in a tough spot OP so no wonder you're feeling low. Sounds like DP could buck his ideas up and be more supportive too. 2 days of nursery sounds like a good idea even if you're not working because you'll get some precious time to look after yourself and your mental health. Put her in and don't take her out, that will be confusing for her. You'll get work, keep at it. Good luck

Sounds completely sensible to me. 15 months is a good age for nursery and you're heading into summer so 2 days will be a nice balance but also should avoid a lot of the winter lurgy.

The longer you are out of work, the harder it is to get your head back in the game. "Describe your recent successes?" Mmm - no-one puked on me this week?

DP? Not married? Tell him in the nicest possible way you have zero protection, no pension or income coming in and you need a job to ensure you are not high and dry if he decides the grass is greener elsewhere. You are doing 3 days, the 2 days of cost is on him.

Thank you for your supportive words and your advice to keep DD at the nursery.

I wouldn’t hesitate to use nursery as long as it can be easily afforded. Apart from anything else that is a full on stage and it’s hard to do anything else (like job applications) if you are looking after a toddler all day.

Thank you for your support, good that you think 15 months is a good age, I think you’re right.

We have spoken about my pension and finances…but I will be footing the bill at least initially for various reasons but he has essentially supported me financially for almost a year and his business isn’t making as much money as previous years.

I was home stay for 8 long years. I had to be. And did not know how to find part time job. Found only one single advert once, for working in tiles shop. Never knew about job share or just did not know where to ask for few hours job. Suddenly few years ago discovered retail part time and catering part time.

In my 8 years of staying home, did volunteering, many adult courses, car drives to nature spots and so on

I am now between jobs again and thinking, shall I go to a florist, cooking or interior design course or become self - employed cleaner.

Nursery sounds like a great idea. I have no idea how you’re managing job applications with a 15 month old all day. I was made redundant shortly after returning from maternity leave and kept DD in nursery to save the nursery place but it was also essential to actually do all the job hunting and interview prep. Also, be kind to yourself, job hunting can be so demoralising but try not to catastrophise because you will find something it can just take time - it just all feels so much more pressured when you’re going from no job at all to trying to find something.

I’m not doing loads of applications as I don’t have much time, and I I need interview prep time and I think that has probably affected the outcomes of the interviews I’ve had. Good to know that others have been in a similar position. A bit scared but onwards and upwards!

Thanks for sharing I’m hoping to be back working sooner than 8 years. At 15 months DD is with me all the time apart from when my DP takes her for a couple of hours.

Hoping something does come up that I can do as there is more flexibility at work now, especially since covid.

I did exactly this when on maternity and looking for work. Put DS in for 3 days a week so I could get my head down sorting my cv, updating LinkedIn and posting to boost me, applying for jobs and having solid times I could go for interviews. There's no way I could focus on that with a baby around. Also gave me time to start running again and get my head clear. Some days I'd pick him up just after lunch if I'd done all I could. Got a really good job quite quickly in the end and moved DS to full time.

The guilting around nurseries befuddles me. My DS loved his right up til school and we still see the staff around and he chats to them.

I also think women need to be savvy about having their own financial independence and pension. There's too many stories on here with women who stopped working, no pension and for whatever reason split up and now are in quite dire circumstances.

Go for it. I did 2 days a week for a few years and I found it to be the perfect balance with 1 then 2 young dc.
If you can pick up freelance work then Sounds like a great idea.
And you won't know until you've tried.

I put DS in a nursery two mornings a week when on ML so I could have a morning in the gym and also take a course. I had zero guilt. Just put your child in.

I also think women need to be savvy about having their own financial independence and pension. There's too many stories on here with women who stopped working, no pension and for whatever reason split up and now are in quite dire circumstances.

I think this is so so important. The relationships boards have been a life lesson to me. It is so easy to think that couldn't happen to me. Or to fall into weird set ups where "my salary pays for the childcare - it's not worth me working".
If you are covering childcare costs for the time being that's your decision to make, but I would strongly recommend it becomes a joint cost, from a joint account like your mortgage and the only thing that's in debate is your relative contributions to it depending on your earning power.

It's in no-ones interest if you are unemployable especially your partners if his business income can fluctuate too. He's supported you this past year, your turn may come. It did to me for 2.5 yrs of covid and it was really quite stressful to be the sole breadwinner even if I did enjoy the "perks" of long hours and little to no domestic admin, home schooling and the rest.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams i don’t necessarily disagree with anything you say but will add this. Being at home with children who are not yet old enough for school is a valuable use of time whilst not valued in a financial way. I can see why a woman whose salary only just covers childcare would choose to care for her own children. This doesn’t apply to the OP as she isn’t enjoying being at home though.

Any plans to marry? You're vulnerable not working with kids, unmarried.

As well as the nursery, which I also think is a good idea, I'd seek out a career coach to work on your attitudes, interview techniques and to help fine tune your CV, I'd also look at any short courses o qualifications you can do to compliment your past work experience.

The plan is to halve the cost of nursery once I’m working full time, if part time hours then it’d be a proportion.

I feel like I’m fairly savvy but maybe not. I paid a bit extra into my pension for while I was on maternity leave so I wouldn’t miss out but then made redundant!

Another thing I plan on doing is sorting out my pension, retirement savings and savings when I have that extra time while DD is at nursery, to put me in the best possible position.

We have had lots of conversations about finances, present and future. They need to be put in place though.

Yes my friend suggested interview coaching and hadn’t thought of it before but it’s a great idea, plus what you’ve mentioned.

We are engaged but it’s sorta off at least for now as our relationship hasn’t been great and other things have taken priority.

Hi - I don't disagree at all re the value of looking after your own kids if you thrive on it.
Where I do get a bit cross is where women look at their salary and 100% of the cost of childcare rather than their 50% share of it and think, there's no point when it does break even, gives them skills and a pension and gives their children the opportunity to see them at their best if a job outside the home is where they are more fulfilled.

Yes, the combined family finances will be very tight for a few years but if you were saying my salary went on 50% of the childcare, mortgage, bills etc with only a tiny bit left over for spends, it feels different? Or does to me anyway but I spent many hours in the dead of night on the relationship boards while Bfing thinking oh my god, how many women on here are so incredibly vulnerable doing all the childcare for free, being horribly undervalued and often abused while leaving themselves out of the market for so long they will struggle to return without dropping right back a few steps.

Nursery is good for children too, not just for parents. How does your DP think you’ll get a job with DD at home 24/7?

I think he thinks I can apply for a job in a few hours if he has my daughter and then I’ll get an interview and get the job. So I have evenings to look and apply for work too (but exhausted often) and DP does go out on his own with my daughter but I only have usually 2 hours maybe 2 and a half to myself to apply for a job during a day, which I might ask for.

He doesn’t remember how it is job hunting as he’s been self employed for 20+ years. If he’s going out and I’m going to do an application at home, he says how long do you need? I say I don’t know, as I usually haven’t had a chance to look through it so have no clue.

The interview prep is really important for me especially now as my confidence is low. He says he’s onboard now but said it was a gamble, and he is risk averse but I don’t think it’s a gamble. I also think nursery is good for young children.